Relationships

The marriage of a Jew with a convert

11.06.17

Question

Hello rabbi. I met a girl 4 years ago and since then we're friends. We were both secular at the time, so there were no particular problems, but during the past 4 years I became more observant, while she remained secular. I am a Jew and she converted to Judaism during her military service (before we met each other) but only "on paper" — I understood from her that she did not want to feel different in the country where she was living and she didn’t want future problems with her children when she married, etc. Her father is Jewish, her mother is not. In terms of her character and her qualities, she is a wonderful person as the Torah commands and even more. When it comes to interpersonal relations, she can give lectures on the subject. She has many fine qualities which her life brought her to, and I even envy and admire them. But concerning her relationship with G-d — it does not exist, she has no fear of G-d and doesn’t even believe in Him — she says she is an "atheist". We have a good relationship —  we understand each other and love each other and even care more about each other than ourselves in certain ways. Recently, her sister got engaged and questions began popping up such as living together, marriage, children, etc. I "examined" her in all sorts of ways in order to see if we can bridge the belief gap between us concerning kashrut, children, observing the Shabbat — basic things that could blow up our relationship in the future. She said she would honor me, but she also said: "My children will eat what they want", "I don’t agree that my husband keeps the Shabbat and would rather we go on a trip with the kids", "my children will choose for themselves their own way." I know her statements do not sound good, but she said it in turmoil, she really tries to respect me in the things I believe are right to do. This week I broke up with her after a discussion on the above issues which was held in good spirits and were not offensive in any way, because I felt that this is it, and I am doing the right thing. But for some reason, I am also "angry" with myself and keep asking myself questions like “Who am I to decide that she is not good enough for me?”, and “maybe she is the right one for me”, in addition to my longings and thoughts about her all the time. She was so good and pleasant to everyone, that it's eating me up to suddenly close the door on such a girl. I would be happy to get some advice. I tried to give the basic background of our relationship, of course there is much more to it like in any relationship, but the bottom line is that I'm not at peace with myself.

Response

It is not possible that she is the one for you since her conversion was phony, she never accepted upon herself the commandments, and she continued with her completely secular life. So it is quite clear that she is not your soul-mate and you can conclude with absolute certainty that she is not for you.

There is much more to add against the relationship even if she had been a Jew, but in this case the matter is obvious.

Remain strong in your decision and you will merit a worthy and modest Jewish woman as your mate.

 

 

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