The More I Amassed the Emptier I Felt!

Before I discovered G-d’s light and the sweetness of his Torah I lived a liberal life that seemed from the outside like there was no one more fortunate than me in the whole world! My modus operandi was to enjoy today as if there were no tomorrow. When a person doesn’t develop his spiritual side and is far from his purpose and soul the pleasures he pursues are materialistic and shallow which lead to a depressing feeling of emptiness once fulfilled.

My reality was such that every fulfilled pleasure made my sense of displeasure swell inside me. An internal voice shouted every time I participated in a Bohemian Tel Aviv party in the best venues. My body was there but my thoughts were elsewhere. I repeatedly found myself looking at everything going on around me as if it was a faraway movie that could never become part of my life.

The thing I hated the most was watching people prancing around inflated and full of themselves to an exaggerated degree, wearing their brightest forced smile glittering and sparkling. But only a moment’s reflection told me that not all that glitters is gold. I would like to quote from my book, ‘No longer a girl to be Slapped’:

“… I want to scream, shout and roar at all present to stop the phony display, to stop the distracting camouflage and the endless game. Let everyone say “Cut” as they do on the movie set and publically admit they too are as unfortunate and empty as every other person in this smoke filled room…

Another great big smile and sweaty handshake and the feeling of revulsion threatens to erupt and expel everything I’m trying to suppress deep inside me. The awful lie that hides behind the dream of my childhood takes the taste out of my life and is becoming more and more bitter every passing day. My childhood dream got shattered on the rocks of reality and it’s more painful than you can imagine…”

In this week’s Torah portion the verse says: “And Moses was the most humble person on the face of the earth”. (Numbers 12, 3) This is the most important secret for attaining the deepest happiness and pleasure. G-d testifies about Moses “In all my house he is faithful” and in the commentary Lekach Tov it explains that precisely because of Moses’ humility that he merited to reach the highest pinnacle. So it comes out that someone who acts with humility, and develops his soul is the one who will find true happiness and pleasure. His light will shine like the shine of the heavens in the world to come.


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