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Marriage

Why Don’t I Get Married?

What makes it so difficult for us to decide? The paradox: The more afraid we are of mistakes the more we make. So start believing in yourselves!

| 28.03.17 | 17:28
Why Don’t I Get Married?
Even picking a challah bread in the store is difficult for him; maybe this challah is better, maybe this one is fluffier. But, wait one moment it's too white it's not well baked… It took him a while but he left the store with his challah bread. However he still had this feeling of missing out; “maybe I didn’t  make the right choice!
Choosing a challah is the same thing as choosing a Kallah (bride).

You can understand why he's not married yet. It's really difficult… he himself doesn't even understand the problem but he can't deal with it. He’s in great pain, it's not easy.

Being hesitant sometimes is the right thing but how do you become more decisive? How do you overcome the difficulty? Let's look and see why indecision happens all together and what the additional reasons for it can be. From there we can get to the solution.

The story with the challah bread  we mentioned before is not a significant decision. We never saw someone thrown out of his house for bringing home the wrong challa. But when it comes to more important decisions it'll be more difficult for him. His lack of tolerance for somebody not perfect makes it difficult for him. Even when he decides, at the end thoughts will start running through his mind saying; “maybe my decision was wrong”.

He can buy a car but his thoughts are eating him up; “maybe I should have picked the white one. It's so hot with the black car. But he forgot that he chose black because black has a more dignified look. He'll feel the heat baking down on him when he turns the air conditioner and he will regret his foolishness.

Right after buying his car he started looking for advertisements saying that he could have gotten the car for cheaper and he’ll eat himself up inside and suffer. He’ll even deepen his suffering thinking that what he chose is not perfect. Every time a person is upset at his decision he reiterates how imperfect it is and how terrible imperfection is.

Then when he comes to a more difficult decision like getting married that's much more difficult, because what can you do? There's no perfection. He’ll always find a fault and won't be able to close a shidduch, it's the same mechanism.

Another reason why it's so difficult for him to decide is because he'll have to take responsibility for his decision. Perhaps it happened in his childhood when someone criticized something he did that he decided it's not worth trying; why take the chance? It may be a mistake. He’ll refuse to take responsibility for a mistake therefore it's difficult for him to close a shidduch because then he's taking responsibility and he's very afraid of that.

Sometimes the fear comes from the idea he believes that in order to get married he has to give himself a hundred percent over to his marriage and to invest and invest and invest and it’s scary. Maybe he won't be able to invest one hundred percent and then the whole marriage will collapse.

In this case I recommend investigating this belief. Is it really true that in order for the marriage to succeed a person has to obligate himself that his whole day is focused on his spouse? Maybe this investment a hundred percent is overdoing it? It could choke their spouse from having an independent life. His own life will be choked if his spouse focuses a hundred percent on him and doesn't let him breathe. They won't have personal satisfaction and this hyper-focus will make them dissatisfied with their life and affect their marriage.

Therefore let us assume that you need to invest only 90% that's not so bad how about 80% it’s not a catastrophe maybe it's worth taking the risk.It’s possible to say that it's actually better to get married with the idea that you don't have to invest so much! It is preferable that his connection should be through calmness. On one hand his marriage is the most important thing. On the other hand there are other important things. This is the right way of looking at it with a little balance. When you look at the whole picture it's easier to jump into marriage.

If the fear is that maybe this is not the right one or perhaps I'm going to make a mistake like we explained, he has an intolerance of imperfection which brings him to doubt. In this case the solution is not that easy but the benefit is great and far outweighs the investment you put into it. I want to propose a way to help you decide and free you of your confusing emotions, misgivings and self-flagellation that you always have after you decide on something.

Take heed, the more you think that you might make a mistake the more obsessive these thoughts become. More possibilities appear and you'll never get out of it. The conclusion is that the deeper you think about it the further away you get from a decision.

People who think in a balanced manner don't play it over and over again in their minds. They look at the situation digest the information and decide! Look it's possible to make mistakes sometimes, and they are taking a risk but they don't think about it too much. They also tolerate mistakes; that's why their lives are calm, because even if they made a mistake it's not the end of the world.

What's really interesting is that when a person is less fearful of making mistakes then his decision is more successful. It's true the fear of mistakes is positive but that's only when the fear is balanced; it causes him to be more careful and to go over the information carefully. But when the fear is overwhelming a person becomes pressured, it creates thoughts and fears that run through his head with no proportion, stripping him of his ability to think. In this way he only gets more confused and cannot see the picture correctly.

Therefore if this is your situation my advice is simply to accept the possibility that you might make a mistake. It sounds scary but it's worth it.

The more tolerant you are of making a mistake, the calmer your thoughts will be and the better your decisions will be, it's a paradox but it works!

When you feel that you're starting to second guess yourself, make peace with the idea that you make mistakes. Don't let the fear of the mistake take you over. Remind yourself that the more you behave this way accepting your mistakes; the closer you will come to your goal; which is to be someone that trusts in himself. You’ll be able to experience downfall and therefore you’ll be stronger, calmer and more successful.

Tell yourself: “It's true it's very possible I’m making a mistake but I won't let that fear of mistake take control of my life and destroy me. I want to be a more decisive person and the more I agree that I can make mistakes I will be a more secure, successful person it's worth it to lose the battle in order to win the war.

If you're not able to do this, start with small simple decisions like the challah where the damage inflicted won't be great if you made a mistake. Then slowly graduate to more difficult decisions until you get to deciding on your bride/groom; and don't forget to invite me to the wedding!