Why Strong Marriages Grow Through Challenges: The Secret Hidden in Conflict

“We are a very happy couple. We truly have it good together. But there were other periods too. Times of arguments and misunderstanding. Times of frustration and not knowing how to emerge from conflicts and differing desires. For many years now, things have been good between us. Why did we need to go through all those complexities and unpleasant feelings in order to arrive at the strong, healthy relationship we enjoy today?”

The Torah portion of Bereishit tells the story of the first couple in the world, Adam and Eve. The Torah defines the nature of their relationship with the words: “I will make him a help opposite him” (Bereishit 2:18). Our sages comment on this verse in the Talmud (Yevamot 63a): “Rabbi Elazar said: What does it mean, ‘I will make him a help opposite him’? If he merits it, she helps him. If he does not merit it, she is against him.”

The implication is that “if he merits it, she helps him” meaning, if you know how to use My gift properly, she will be a help to you. “If he does not merit it, she is against him” meaning, if you do not know how to use My gift properly, she will oppose you and become an obstacle.

These words are astonishing. When someone gives a gift to a friend, he might say, “If you use my gift properly, according to the instructions, you will benefit from it.” But how could he possibly add, “If you do not use my gift properly, it will harm you”? And yet, according to our sages, this is precisely what the Creator is saying.

Two Foundations of Married Life

It appears that our sages are teaching us two fundamental principles about the essence of married life.

The first lies in the word “merits,” which can also be understood as refinement. A person must refine himself in order to live calmly and harmoniously with his spouse. This requires inner work and character development. Couples must remember that they are no longer single and they can no longer do whatever they please. They have become part of something greater, stronger, and more real. Together they form a single entity that creates the unity of the home. As such, they must learn to live and breathe not only their own personality, desires, and needs, but also those of their spouse.

Why Marriage Is Meant to Be Good

The second principle is that normal married life is meant to be good, fulfilling, and joyful. This does not mean there are no arguments or disagreements. In order for us to merit such a relationship, God, in His kindness, embedded laws into reality that push us toward achieving this gift. If a couple refines themselves and lives well together, it can be wonderful. If however they do not, true peace will not exist in the home. There will be a clear sense that something is not right, and this discomfort may express itself in different areas of the relationship.

This natural law, set by the Creator, exists so that the couple will be pushed to repair what needs repairing. If life could continue smoothly for a long time despite deep marital issues, people would have little motivation to change, if they would change at all. It is precisely the sense of unease that forces and drives a person to correct himself, and ultimately merit the blessing of a healthy marriage.

Growth Comes Through Effort

Ideally, every couple would want all their days to be calm and peaceful, filled only with serenity, understanding, and love. But in this world, good things require effort. One must work, strive, refine character traits, and cultivate patience.

At times it seems that the crises we experience only delay our ability to achieve the goodness and peace we long for. In truth however, the opposite is often the case. Crises accelerate our need to change and improve. A couple that is pushed to grow because of the challenges they experience in marriage should ultimately be grateful for those very challenges, because without them, they may have never reached the goodness that, thank God, they enjoy today.

Turning Challenges into a Lever for Growth

We must try to understand, correct, and improve long before crises arrive. But if they do present, we can choose to use them as a lever for growth and repair. In doing so, we can fully realize the extraordinary potential that exists within married life.

From the book Together Through the Torah Portions by Moshe Ilan, social worker and marriage counselor.