Is Your Partner Always Late? Understanding the Real Issue

"Often, when we go to a family event, my wife delays our departure and we end up arriving late. This issue is especially difficult because it has become a recurring source of arguments, casting a dark cloud over our relationship. What is the solution?"

Unity Does Not Mean Sameness

It is important to remember that unity does not mean uniformity. We are not meant to agree on everything. Ultimately, we are two separate individuals, each shaped by different emotions, thoughts, desires, and life experiences. All of these together form our personalities and influence the motivations behind our actions. Naturally, there is a reason for everything we do or want, and that reason is not necessarily the same as our partner’s. The more we understand that our perspectives differ, the better we can learn to accommodate one another.

Even when we feel we know each other well, as long as we do not understand the thoughts behind every desire or behavior, the likelihood of truly knowing what drives the other person is very small.

Understanding Begins With Conversation

The way to connect, recognize, and understand what the other is genuinely experiencing is through open and simple communication. Asking questions such as, “How do you see things?” “What does this make you feel?” and “What causes you to act this way?” allows for a sincere and meaningful dialogue. Such conversations help uncover the inner world behind our partner’s behavior and can prevent tension, anger, and misunderstanding.

Once we recognize that our differences are legitimate, and that what annoys us is not rooted in bad intentions but in a different natural disposition, it becomes easier to see that what appears to be a shortcoming may actually contain a valuable strength that we can learn from.

A common example is the ongoing argument about punctuality when leaving for a family event. The husband is already ready, waiting by the door, frustrated and saying, “Are we late again? We’re always late.” Meanwhile, the wife is still getting ready and responds calmly, “Why are you so worried? We’ve never missed a ceremony because of this.” This same argument can repeat itself endlessly without resolution.

However, after a deep and open conversation, the couple may come to understand that the husband’s anxiety stems from a fear of disrespecting the host by arriving late, which creates pressure and tension for him. The wife, on the other hand, experiences the rush to leave as overwhelming, and for her, maintaining inner calm is essential.

Through this understanding, the husband can recognize the value of his wife’s inner calm and learn to draw strength from it. The wife, in turn, can adopt her husband’s sensitivity to honoring others and avoiding causing them distress, even as she works toward being more punctual.

This idea is echoed in a well known story about Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev. While standing near a synagogue with his followers, they noticed a wagon driver wearing a tallit and tefillin while repairing his wagon during prayer. The Hasidim reacted with criticism, questioning how one could work while praying. Rabbi Levi Yitzchak, however, focused on the positive and said, “Even as he fixes his wagon, he is praying.”

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is a lecturer, marriage consultant, and psychotherapist.