When the Life You Have Isn’t the Life You Imagined: Choosing Presence

“Honestly, I feel like I can’t go on like this. I don’t have the strength for this life, and certainly not for her. She’s just a difficult woman.

“It’s not enough that I’ve been stuck in this job for twenty years, a job I took only because it was close to home. It’s not enough that my kids are in a terrible school because the only apartment we could afford was in this neighborhood. On top of all that, she’s constantly on my case. Sometimes I feel like I was standing at the back of the line when God was handing out the cards,” Yoram complained.

“What would your life look like in an ideal world?” I asked.

“I’d want a calm, smiling wife, a well-paying job, to live in a better neighborhood, and then maybe my kids would have a decent school. But what’s the point of saying that? Reality is what it is. This is my life, and this is what I have,” he replied, full of despair.

Two Ways of Navigating Life

“I hear how strongly you feel that your life turned out very differently from what you hoped for,” I said. “Let’s try to understand the root of the difficulty in how you are navigating your life.”

“There are two basic approaches to navigating life. The first is self-navigation. In this approach, a person charts their course based on existing abilities and the limits of reality. This is very similar to what you’re describing. You were born in this city, this is the profession you know, and this is the woman you married. Within these boundaries, you navigate. In this approach, reality determines the destination, not you.”

“That’s true. I’m a realistic person,” Yoram said in his defense.

“But there is another approach, one that is more accurate and more beneficial. It does not begin by accepting reality’s constraints as the definition of your goals. Instead, it begins by deciding what the best version of your life should be.”

Desire Versus Reality

“But what’s the use of that?” Yoram snapped. “There’s a huge gap between how I want my life to be and what it actually is. That gap only frustrates me more.”

“That kind of navigation can only work if you connect to your true desire, not to what is dictated by the limits of reality. True desire has the power to bring reality into alignment,” I explained.

“You’re confusing me,” he said.

“After you identify your goal, you begin to ask how reality can be managed so that it leads you toward that goal. In the first approach, reality sets the limits of your desire. In the second, your desire shapes how you relate to reality.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Yoram said bitterly. “I dream of being a millionaire, traveling the world, running marathons, living on a mountain in the Himalayas. That’s my true desire. But I’m stuck with a wife and kids to support, and they prevent me from fulfilling myself. So maybe I really should just be brave, leave everything behind, and live my life.”

What Is a True Desire?

“True desire is free from external perceptions and superstitious beliefs,” I said.

“What does that mean?” he asked, clearly confused.

“When you say your desire is to be rich, admired, and free, you need to ask where that desire comes from. If it’s based on the belief that these things will finally make you happy, then it isn’t a true desire. It’s a fantasy driven by assumptions about happiness.”

“Why can’t that be my desire?” Yoram asked.

“Because it is defined by external conditions. You believe that if certain things happen, then you’ll be happy. A true desire is revealed only after you strip away those beliefs. When you reach a place where you know what you want not because it will make you happy, but because it is your mission and your inner truth, that is where Hashem wants you to be.”

When Doubt Turns Destructive

“Is this why I feel stuck everywhere? At home, at work, in life?” he asked.

“Exactly. Home places real limits on you. Being a husband and father requires emotional commitment, mental responsibility, and constant action. When you secretly believe that you shouldn’t be living this life, that belief itself is heresy.”

“Heresy?” he reacted sharply.

“Yes. And if it isn’t corrected, it turns into betrayal.”

“I’m not betraying anyone,” Yoram protested.

“I’m not talking about physical betrayal. I’m talking about mental betrayal. When a person is not fully present in their marriage, when they escape into work, community roles, or imagined lives because they believe their real life shouldn’t look like this, that is betrayal of the heart.”

“In halachic language, it’s called being divorced of the heart.”

Loyalty Begins in Consciousness

“When someone believes they deserve a different life, that belief creates pride, and pride eventually leads to sadness. Without true connection between spouses, there is no flow of vitality in the home. Everything feels forced, artificial, and distant. The home becomes estranged.”

“You’ve put me into a deep depression,” Yoram said quietly. “So what do I do?”

“When the Torah speaks about erasing Amalek, it gives one primary command: to remember. Memory is the main battle. Psychologically, this means constant awareness.”

“You must always be aware of the gap between true desire and false belief. The moment you feel that you cannot be happy without something specific, know that you are dealing with superstition, not true desire.”

“A true desire creates reality. It does not depend on reality.”

“I see many couples who fight endlessly over communication or behavior, but the root problem is that one or both partners are not truly present. They believe these are not the lives they should be living.”

“Yoram, the solution is awareness. When your true desire is constantly present in your consciousness, it becomes a safeguard for loyalty. It gives you the strength to create genuine connection and to build joy within the reality you have.”

This column was inspired by a lecture by Rabbi Eliyahu Levi.