The Interest Beneath the Love: A Hard Conversation About Marriage

“I’ve felt this for a long time. He just doesn’t love me anymore,” Shira said quietly.

“I don’t love you? How can you say that about me?” Yair shot back defensively.

“Really?” she replied. “Did you even notice that I highlighted my hair? That I wore a new dress on Shabbat? You didn’t say a word. Nothing. I’m invisible. You don’t see me at all. Our love has died. It’s buried,” she said as she began to cry.

“There’s no such thing as no love at all,” I responded. “You can be angry with each other and even have very intense fights, but there is a bond, a kind of glue, that connected you at the beginning of your relationship.”

When Love Feels Like It Disappeared

“But back then, I didn’t know her,” Yair said angrily. “I didn’t realize that all she cared about was shopping, changing her hair color every two weeks, and finding ways to spend all the money I bring home. When I met you, you were modest, barely ordering a glass of water at a restaurant.”

“I didn’t know you either,” Shira snapped back. “If I had known I was marrying a stone-hearted man who doesn’t look at his wife or care about her, do you think I would have married you? Maybe the secular people are right. Maybe we should have lived together for a few years before marriage to understand what kind of deal we were making,” she said in despair.

“I’m sorry to disappoint you,” I said calmly. “Even couples who lived together for years before marriage discover after the wedding that they didn’t really know each other. Marriage itself creates a profound shift in a relationship and brings out different sides of each partner.”

“But know this,” I continued, “there is always love.”

“The very fact that you chose to connect means that, deep down, you sensed something between you that could fulfill one another. Otherwise, you would never have connected in the first place.”

The Role of Interest in Relationships

“I know exactly what she wanted from me,” Yair burst out. “She wanted my money. She was excited that she found a stable man with assets and security, so she latched on to me. It was all one big interest. What kind of love is that? I’m not naive anymore.”

“What?” Shira cried. “Aren’t you ashamed? You told me that before meeting me, you were a lonely wolf. That everyone was after your money and connections, and that no one could reach your heart the way I did. You were miserable before me. How can you say this now?”

“Let me tell you something that may be uncomfortable to hear,” I said. “Every relationship begins with interest. There is no relationship that starts without it. That interest is what initially fuels the connection.”

“For you, Shira, there was an interest in his financial stability and status, which gave you a sense of security. And for you, Yair, there was an interest in her companionship, in ending your loneliness, in no longer being a lonely wolf.”

“So what does that mean?” she asked quietly. “That everything is interest? That there’s no real love?”

“When the truth is revealed, it can be hard to hear,” I replied. “But the honest answer is yes.”

Rising Above Interest

“So what do we do?” Yair asked. “Is this what relationships are supposed to be?”

“Absolutely not,” I said. “We are here to correct this and rise to a higher dimension.”

“I don’t understand,” Yair said. “When she tells me she loves me, does she mean she loves my money? That I’m just a tool for her security?”

“It’s possible,” I answered. “But I can reassure you that this is the starting point for all couples. The foundation of every relationship contains interest.”

“This reality can be understood in two ways. You can say that interest is everything, and therefore there is no true love. Or you can say that the relationship began with interest, and that interest can serve as a springboard to elevate you to an entirely different level.”

“Don’t live in fantasies,” I continued. “Interest will likely remain with us until 120. The goal is not to erase it, but to recognize it and ensure it does not control us.”

“When interest is ignored or denied, it becomes the greatest curse in a relationship and eventually leads to separation. But when it is acknowledged and refined, it allows a couple to rise beyond it.”

“Through therapy,” I concluded, “we learn how to ascend to that higher dimension.”

This column was inspired by Rabbi Eliyahu Levy’s course, Root Treatment in Relationships.