When One Partner Grows More Religious: How to Avoid Growing Apart

“When we got married, we were traditional but not truly observant. Over time, I found spiritual strength and grew closer to Judaism, while my wife remained where she was. I should say that our relationship is good, and she cooperates with the basics of Judaism. Still, the gaps between us are significant, and we disagree in several areas. I would appreciate some guidance.”

When One Partner Grows and the Other Stays Put

Dear Roi, first of all, be grateful that your wife cooperates with the basics of Judaism. That is not something to take lightly, and she deserves genuine appreciation for it. Second, patience is essential.

It’s important to remember that when you met, you yourself were not observant. Your spiritual growth happened gradually, over time. There is a clear rule that applies almost without exception: any relationship that was good before one partner became more observant will remain good afterward. And any relationship that was troubled beforehand will only have its difficulties magnified once one side commits to observance.

This principle has been tested by hundreds of couples counselors and has proven itself repeatedly.

The Lesson of the Oranges

There is a story about two friends who decided to walk through a forest in Ukraine, a long and demanding 15-kilometer journey. Shortly after they began, they heard the sound of horse hooves behind them. A cart passed by, pulled by horses and loaded with sacks of oranges. Suddenly, a large 40-kilogram sack fell off the cart about fifty meters away.

One friend shouted, “That’s my sack!” The other ignored him and ran toward it. Seeing his friend run, the first followed, and they both jumped onto the sack. One grabbed the top, the other the bottom. “I got it,” one insisted. “No, it’s mine,” the other argued. They tugged and fought the entire way.

At the end, they went to a rabbi and asked what the Torah says about such a case. The rabbi listened carefully and then asked one of them to step outside.

“You found a 40-kilogram sack of oranges,” the rabbi said. “Why is it so hard for you to share? Isn’t 20 kilograms enough?”

“Rabbi,” the man replied, “you must understand. My grandmother, may she rest in peace, used to make fresh orange juice for me every morning. It gave me strength and energy for hours. I grew up on orange juice. And now you expect me to give it up? Impossible.”

The rabbi then called in the second man and asked the same question.

“Rabbi,” he answered, “my grandmother used to make marmalade from orange peels. To this day, just thinking about that taste moves me. Now that I have a chance to get 40 kilograms of peels, how could I give that up?”

The rabbi brought both men back together and ruled wisely: “Each of you will receive everything.” Turning to the first, he said, “You will receive all the juice from the 40 kilograms.” Turning to the second, he said, “And you will receive all the peels for your marmalade.”

Both left as winners.

Applying the Lesson at Home

In your case, Roi, you have a good wife. At this stage, she lacks a deep understanding of the value and significance of mitzvah observance, but that does not make her an opponent. Right now, the task is to maneuver wisely and find creative solutions so that everyone feels respected and comfortable.

With patience, sensitivity, and proper explanation, understanding can grow. Spiritual growth is a journey, not a demand. When handled with wisdom, patience truly pays off.