The Hidden Motivations We Don’t Talk About in Marriage

“Shani,” I said, “based on everything you’ve shared with me, what you were truly looking for in your relationship with Nir was a sense of security. After everything you experienced at home, your parents’ divorce, and all the other things we’ve spoken about at length, you carried a deep fear of instability in life. You wanted a husband who would give you the security to build your life.”

“So you’re saying that’s all I expected from my relationship with Nir? That he would give me security?” Shani murmured. “I can’t believe that’s what I was really expecting from him.”

Motivation and Expectation Are Not the Same

“You’re right to be surprised,” I replied. “It’s important to understand that motivation and expectation are not the same thing. According to Hasidic thought, motivation is the inner light that drives a person, the force that moves them toward a relationship. Expectation, on the other hand, is what’s called an encompassing light. It’s the image or dream of what we want the relationship to look like.”

“Because you felt insecure and fearful in life, your motivation was to find a partner who would provide security,” I continued. “But pay attention to what you answered when I asked you what you expected from Nir before you got married.”

“I was looking for someone calm and tranquil,” Shani recalled. “A partner without many storms in life.”

“Exactly,” I said. “Your expectations took your motivation and elevated it far beyond its original place.”

“But why?” she asked.

“Because expectation takes a very specific inner need, like your need for security, and turns it into a broad fantasy tied to an image of the partner. You built a complete picture in your mind of who Nir was supposed to be.”

When Expectations Turn Into Fantasy

Nir suddenly interjected. “Then why did I also have expectations? When I was looking for a partner, I expected someone open, light, carefree, and flowing. But I discovered that Shani isn’t as carefree or flowing as I imagined.”

“And you’re not exactly calm, accommodating, or peaceful either,” Shani shot back. “You’re tense and not very receptive.”

“Nir,” I said, “what drove you into this relationship was loneliness. You were looking for someone who could break through the bubble you had wrapped around yourself.”

“So how does that connect to wanting a light and carefree partner?” he asked.

“Your motivation was to resolve loneliness,” I explained. “But your expectations were much more general. You imagined that if you married someone open, sociable, and flowing, she would meet your emotional needs and dissolve your loneliness. In reality, you married a partner who makes you feel suffocated.”

Shani interrupted. “I feel suffocated too, but I don’t understand why.”

When Needs Collide and Create Suffocation

“When your primary motivation is fear,” I said, “the way you protect yourself is by guarding your boundaries and personal space. You expected Nir to be calm and accommodating, someone who would stabilize your world.”

“And you, Nir,” I continued, “were looking for someone to pull you out of loneliness. That’s why you were drawn to Shani, a sociable and flowing person. That image was your expectation.”

“So what’s the problem?” Nir asked impatiently. “If we both found what we were looking for, why do we both feel suffocated?”

“Because, Nir, you are a lonely person enclosed in a bubble,” I answered. “It’s difficult to penetrate your inner world. You rely heavily on connections with your mother, your rabbi, and other structures. You are not truly free. A person like that cannot fully accommodate a partner who is open, sociable, and constantly surrounded by people.”

“Why not?” he pressed.

“Because that openness touches your deepest fear,” I replied. “Here lies the paradox. Your motivation was to escape loneliness, but that very motivation produced expectations you could never truly handle.”

“Expectation lives in imagination,” I continued. “In imagination, anything is possible. But in reality, you cannot accommodate what you imagined. You yourself once said you met women who were far more open and relaxed than Shani, yet you were afraid to marry them. They felt too extreme for you, so you stepped back.”

“You were searching for someone who was somewhat opposite to you, but still safe enough not to shatter your inner world.”

Seeing the Real Partner

“What happened,” I concluded, “is that you looked for openness and freedom on a scale you could manage. Shani fit that scale, but not your fantasy. You imagined someone fully open and free, yet married someone who is only partially so.”

“And you, Shani,” I added, “were motivated by fear. You envisioned a serene, unshakeable man who would give you absolute security. But you couldn’t truly accommodate such a person. Someone completely calm and fearless would feel foreign to you.”

“The gap between your motivations and your inflated expectations created a blinding effect. Each of you preferred to imagine that your partner met your expectations, while reality told a very different story.”

“To address things at their root,” I said, “you must first be willing to see the truth. You need to uncover the real motivations and interests that brought you together. That is where the work begins.”