Feeling Shut Out? When Belonging Disappears in Marriage

“I feel like I’m no longer part of your world,” Liron said quietly, voicing her familiar frustration. “You don’t include me in your business circle. I don’t even know who the people are. You don’t share anything about our finances. There’s an entire world of money matters that I’m completely unaware of.”

“Liron,” I asked, “when you first met, did Erez share all of these things with you?”

“Of course,” she replied immediately. “Not only did he share everything, he even boasted about it. He included me in his affairs, consulted me about different issues. But after we got married, he suddenly started putting up all these ‘no entry’ signs in places I used to belong. Back then, we felt united, like we were one. There wasn’t his world and my world.”

“So what’s the problem?” Erez responded defensively. “If I have areas that are just mine, why should that bother her? I don’t even think she would understand my business world. And suddenly she has friends I know nothing about. She doesn’t tell me when she goes out with them or plans trips abroad with them.”

Belonging as the Core Motivation

“Let’s talk about Liron’s motivation in the relationship,” I said. “Liron, your core motivation was a deep need for belonging. Erez, you came from a higher social and financial position, and Liron needed to feel that you were taking her under your wing.”

“Under my wing?” Erez asked.

“Yes,” I replied. “She needed to feel connected to something greater. Belonging to you made her feel empowered. She felt small before, and she could love you when you conveyed unity, presence, and inclusion.”

“And what happened when she began to feel your absence?” I asked Erez.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“She felt that you were pushing her out. That you were quietly telling her she didn’t belong in certain parts of your life.”

“But we’re married. We’re connected,” he insisted.

“Until it comes to money. Until it comes to business. Those became places she was excluded from,” I said. “Every ‘no entry’ sign created a feeling of lack. She felt there were parts of your life she did not belong to.”

Protest Through Distance

“Naturally,” I continued, “this unsettled her deeply. And when belonging diminished, her love diminished too, because belonging was the foundation of her love.”

“And what did she do?” I asked.

“What?” Liron asked.

“When Erez put up ‘no entry’ signs, you responded by doing the same. That’s the most instinctive form of protest.”

“That makes sense,” Erez said.

“Exactly,” I replied. “But you don’t realize that her protest comes from pain and loss. She wanted full mutual inclusion, but when she couldn’t get it, she protested, which only intensified the situation.”

“I gave up a long time ago,” Liron said tiredly. “He does whatever he wants.”

“Liron,” I said gently, “this is the protest.”

The Protest of Weakness

“When you feel weaker than him,” I continued, “and believe he holds all the power, your protest takes a different form.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“You express helplessness. Statements like ‘What can I do? He doesn’t ask me. I have no control.’ That helplessness becomes your protest.”

“When that didn’t soften his heart,” I added, “the protest expanded. You began expressing it publicly, even in front of the children.”

“Why would a mother say that to her children?” I asked.

“As a protest against you,” I answered for her, turning to Erez.

“We’ve been in therapy for years over this,” Liron added. “Nothing changed.”

“And what were you told?” I asked.

“That he should lower the walls and include me again.”

“And how did that feel for you, Erez?” I asked.

“She embarrassed me in front of my business partners,” he replied sharply. “After that, I shut the door completely.”

Isolating the Feeling

“Liron,” I said, “before anything can change, you need to isolate the feeling.”

“But he’s the one who caused it,” she protested. “Why am I the one who has to work?”

“We’ll address him later,” I said calmly. “Right now, we’re focusing on what’s in your control.”

“What does isolating the feeling mean?” she asked.

“It means separating your sense of smallness from Erez. You believed that belonging to him gave you value. I want us to look directly at that feeling.”

“What’s so terrible about feeling small?” I asked.

“It makes me feel worthless,” she answered.

“And that’s the core,” I said. “Your value became dependent on him. That needs to reverse.”

Reclaiming Value and Choice

“Your value must come from you,” I continued. “Not from being included, not from being chosen. When you choose to be present, to give, to create connection, the locus of control returns to you.”

“When you stop depending on him to define your worth,” I said, “you’re no longer reactive. You’re choosing.”

“And only then,” I concluded, “does Erez regain the freedom and strength to open those doors again.”

This column was inspired by Rabbi Eliyahu Levy’s course, Root Therapy in Relationships.