When Hurt Becomes Habit: Breaking an Emotional Pattern

“Listen, Chaim, I’m tired of you. I feel like we have five children at home instead of four. You’re the fifth child.”

“Why do you say that?” I asked her.

“He gets hurt and offended by everything,” Simcha said angrily. “He thinks the whole world revolves around him. He’s hurt by me, hurt by the kids, hurt by friends from the synagogue, and even hurt by Hashem for giving him a life he doesn’t like.”

“I’m sensitive,” Chaim replied. “What’s the problem?”

“You’re only sensitive to yourself,” Simcha shot back.

“Chaim,” I said, “it’s not worth it to be offended.”

“I don’t choose this,” he answered. “I just get hurt. It feels natural to me. Maybe, Simcha, you’re so tough that nothing hurts you.”

“Yes,” she replied sharply, “not only do you get hurt, you choose to stay there. Sometimes it feels like you even enjoy it. And then I have to walk on eggshells all day, waiting for you to calm down and stop being angry, like a little boy.”

“He doesn’t enjoy it,” I said, “but he does gain something from it.”

“What?” they both asked.

The Hidden Gain of Being Hurt

“When you get hurt, you become angry. Whether the anger is visible or internal, it gives your soul a certain vitality. Over time, you’ve developed a pattern: you get hurt, you get angry, and you draw energy from it.

“But this is false vitality. It pulls you away from real life.

“This pattern causes you to lose focus on your true role. Instead of making thoughtful decisions, you make emotional ones that grow out of the hurt.

“When you are hurt, you are no longer in control. Someone else manages your emotions and dictates your inner world.”

“I don’t understand,” Chaim said. “Simcha genuinely hurt me. She spent all our savings without telling me, on things that mattered to her. I wasn’t involved at all. How am I supposed to forgive that? What kind of person forgives something like that?”

“I’m not talking about forgiveness,” I replied. “I want to help you with the place that gets hurt, regardless of what Simcha did. I’m addressing the part of you that holds onto the pain and refuses to let go, even though it’s destroying your life.

“Getting hurt is natural. If someone hurts you, it makes sense to point out the wrongdoing. But I want to help you reduce how often you get hurt, and stop turning it into a conditioning process where you gain false profits from pain.”

“So you want me to stop being sensitive?” Chaim asked. “To become numb?”

“Heaven forbid,” I said. “Your excessive sensitivity actually points to something else. You are overly focused on yourself. You care deeply about how others see you and what they think of you.”

“Excuse me,” Simcha interrupted, “it’s not only about how others see him. He can be hurt by our eldest son, Kfir, for laughing at something he said at the Shabbat table. Then he shuts down completely and refuses to speak to his own child for the rest of Shabbat.”

“So what, I’m supposed to turn the other cheek if I’m slapped?” Chaim said sarcastically. “That sounds like another religion, not Judaism.”

Sensitivity Versus Responsibility

“Chaim,” I said calmly, “a parent should not be hurt or offended by their children. When you are hurt, it means you are placing yourself at the center, not your role as a parent.

“When I say you shouldn’t be hurt, I do not mean you should become a punching bag. You must absolutely express that certain behavior is unacceptable. But that is very different from being offended.”

“And then I actually have to punish them,” Chaim replied, “which Simcha doesn’t agree with.”

“Setting boundaries is not punishment,” I said. “It is guidance. Boundaries create a clear path for healthy growth.

“And since you mentioned Judaism, from a Jewish perspective, when a person lives in hurt, they are pushing Hashem out of their world.

“Do not become a victim of reality. Everything that happens to you is precisely aligned with your life. When you internalize divine providence, you will not truly be hurt by others.

“You do not have to be a victim of Simcha’s choices, and you cannot allow her actions to damage your ability to fulfill your role as a husband, a father, and a human being. In Jewish thought, every person has responsibility over their soul, their mood, and their inner life.”

“I still don’t understand,” Chaim said quietly. “How do I overcome being hurt?”

“If you train yourself properly,” I answered, “you won’t just overcome hurt. You’ll learn not to be hurt in the first place.

“You need a rapid shift in mindset. When you switch quickly, you regain control. You need to understand the motives of the other side.”

“I don’t want to understand Simcha’s motives,” Chaim said. “I don’t want to know what drove her to empty our savings.”

“You are confusing understanding with compassion,” I replied. “I am not asking you to feel compassion. I am asking you to shift the spotlight away from the personal insult. That allows your intellect to come back online.”

“And how does that help me?” he asked. “How does that stop the hurt?”

From Hurt to Freedom

“The intellect transforms you from someone who is controlled into someone who controls. In many cases, when you feel hurt, nothing truly happened. Only your ego was shaken.

“This understanding frees you from trying to control how others see you. Instead, you take responsibility for your actions and stop being a victim of others’ behavior.

“And most importantly, you reconnect with your life’s mission instead of getting entangled in unnecessary ego battles.”

I concluded with one sentence:

“A person who overcomes hurt regains their freedom and refocuses on what truly matters.”

Inspired by Breaking Through Personality Boundaries by Dr. Yechiel Harari, in collaboration with Ishi.