When Hobbies Compete With Love: The Cost of Divided Attention

“I really don’t understand what your problem is with me going out to ride my bike in the morning,” Gideon explained. “I go very early. I don’t bother anyone. It comes at the expense of my sleep, and I still manage to get home and prepare everything we need.”

“Of course you go to bed at eight the night before,” she replied sharply. “The whole house has to be quiet because His Majesty Gideon needs to ride at four in the morning. And what about all the hours you invest in it? You talk about it with friends, plan rides, buy gear.”

“I don’t get it,” he answered. “Why are you the only woman who doesn’t support me? All my friends’ wives support them.”

“Maybe because I actually love you,” she shot back. “Maybe because while you’re planning your next ride, we could be together. Instead of planning your next trip, why don’t you plan the next date with me? Or think about what kind of vacation we could take together? Or how we can improve our communication and strengthen our intimacy?”

“You know why I don’t do that?” Gideon said. “The truth is, I don’t enjoy being with you. You’re always angry. Always complaining. You constantly remind me how terrible I am, how I ruined your life, how you regret marrying me. How am I supposed to enjoy a couple’s meeting like that?”

“Of course you’re suffering because I’m suffering,” she replied angrily. “If I smiled and pretended everything was fine despite how awful our relationship feels, you’d think everything was okay and continue with your life. I feel like this entire connection was a mistake.”

“Maybe we’re just not compatible,” Gideon said bitterly.

“Who said you’re not compatible?” I intervened. “What you have is a problem of focus and attention within your marriage.”

“What does focus have to do with this?” they both asked, surprised.

From Chaos to Focus

Creation began with an abstract, infinite light. But in order for there to be a world and living beings, that light had to be condensed and focused so it could fit into a vessel. This movement from abundance to focus is an essential part of human inner work. The world and humanity were created in an unrectified state. The purpose of life is to rectify both the soul and the world.

“How am I supposed to fix the world?” Shlomit asked.

Rectification happens in two ways: by building vessels and by reducing lights that have no true expression. This process is called contraction. The Creator reduced the intensity of the light and placed it within a vessel so it could exist and be revealed. The same transition exists within the soul and within relationships. We move from chaos to rectification.

“I’m confused,” Gideon said. “Are you talking about relationships or about mental states?”

Both, I replied. They operate through the same mechanism. The natural movement of the soul is toward expansion. There is something exciting about abundance, about many options and possibilities. It promises pleasure and freedom. But without vessels, abundance becomes overwhelming. Moving from lack of focus to focus is not natural. Distraction is the default state of unrectified creation.

Turning Down the Noise

“Can you explain this without lights and vessels?” Gideon asked.

In order to focus, a person must turn off many channels. Around and within us are countless open channels: worries, desires, pains, ambitions, fantasies, impulses, bodily needs, trauma, news. These disturbances are natural. Anyone who wants to concentrate must consciously give up some stimuli in order to receive one focused light.

“And how does this connect to marriage?” Shlomit asked.

The first act of intense focus is sanctity in marriage. When a man sanctifies a woman, he chooses her over all other possibilities. Most couples grasp only the external layer of this, which is why the bond can feel imposed rather than chosen. True focus means directing thoughts, desires, emotions, and even imagination toward the relationship.

“And the woman doesn’t need to focus on her husband?” Gideon asked.

Of course she does. But the initial and defining act is the man’s focus on the woman he chose. A woman needs to feel that her husband is focused on her. That sense of being chosen creates security and allows her to open herself in return.

Choosing Means Letting Go

“So am I supposed to think about Shlomit all the time?” Gideon asked. “What about personal time? I need to ride my bike to clear my head.”

Personal time is important. The question is where it comes from. Every choice carries a price. Choosing one thing means giving up others. Gideon, you are not willing to fully choose.

“Why not?” he asked.

Because choosing means giving up the option to ride almost every day and every weekend. It means limiting excessive work hours. You want to preserve the possibility of multiple options instead of committing fully to one. Focus requires sacrifice. To focus, you must close other doors. You tell yourself you must ride. You do not have to. You are simply not ready to give something up.

This abundance of lights, excessive work, constant biking, fragments your presence and creates chaos in the relationship. The limitation that Shlomit represents, the boundaries that prevent you from living as you did before, are exactly what make connection and growth possible.

When hobbies exist in imbalance and individualism dominates, the relationship cannot develop. To influence the relationship, you must refine your energy to fit the needs of the bond.

Responsibility on Both Sides

“So all the work is on me?” Gideon asked.

No. Shlomit also has inner work to do. In order to receive your focused presence, she needs to soften the anger and emotions overwhelming her and use them to build connection rather than destroy it.

“How do you expect me to stop being angry?” she asked. “Should I swallow everything?”

First understand the idea. Then we address the how. When you shut out distractions and focus on your relationship, you signal that, at least in that moment, you have risen above emotional chaos. You step out of past wounds, impulses, and reactions and reclaim control. This movement from chaos to rectification creates harmony, and the Shechinah rests between you.

Practical Steps Toward Rectification

There are several foundations to this work. First, awareness that change is possible. Chaos is the natural state, and rectification is our responsibility. Second, sacrifice. Nothing changes without effort. Third, identifying barriers such as overpowering emotions like anger or anxiety, loss of interest in the relationship, lack of desire, lack of pleasure, and mistrust.

You must ask practical questions. How is this relationship relevant to my life? When you reflect honestly on Shlomit’s place in your life, you gain the ability to focus and close other channels. Without this, focus becomes impossible.

This awareness must be nurtured constantly. It allows emotions to be directed and creates a true inner bond, not one based on obligation, children, or routine, but a genuine connection that brings joy and meaning.

Inspired by Breaking the Boundaries of Personality by Dr. Yichiel Harari, in collaboration with Ishai.