When Trust Is Questioned: The Silent Struggle Inside Marriage

In life, we constantly revolve around the question of trust.

There are many areas in which we are required to place trust. We trust the bank where our money is kept, the babysitter watching our children, the food companies whose products we consume, and even the bus driver to whom we entrust our safety.

The real conflict of trust begins when we have the option not to trust, especially within close relationships.

Trust Inside a Relationship

In a relationship, there are countless areas where suspicion can creep in, or where we ignore subtle feelings that signal a lack of trust. When trust is not established, it rarely disappears on its own. Over time, it can quietly unravel the partnership.

We need to believe that when our partner says they are at work, they are truly there and not somewhere else.

We need to trust that our partner is not misusing shared finances.

We need to believe that they are genuinely taking care of the children.

And perhaps most importantly, we need to trust that they truly love us.

They ignored us today or sounded impatient. That is okay. It may simply mean they have a lot on their mind, not that their love has diminished.

They did not offer help when we needed it most. Perhaps they were dealing with something overwhelming, or they did not fully grasp the situation we were in.

If we constantly assume that our partner’s actions are driven by selfish motives and not by love or goodwill, we would lose our emotional balance.

And in some form or another, this happens in every couple.

When Doubt Creeps In

We are suspicious by nature. Years ago, we stood under the chuppah and felt certain that nothing could ever weaken our love. Yet over time, moments arise when we feel stunned, hurt, or angry at our partner’s behavior.

Without a deep inner certainty that love still exists, these moments can easily be interpreted in a harsh and unfair way.

That is when the crack appears, and into it slips a quiet serpent called “What if?”

What if there is no longer love in their heart?

What if personal interests, resentment, or even anger have taken its place, while we continue to applaud a love that no longer exists?

This thought is not always conscious. Yet suddenly our behavior shifts. We become tense, irritable, and defensive, often before we realize that the source of the change is a distorted interpretation of our partner’s actions.

The Need for Emotional Proof

Throughout our lives, we need reassurance that the other side is invested in us. We need to know that when the moment comes, we can draw from a reserve of positive interpretations. Even when our instinct pushes us toward suspicion, we need evidence that trust is justified.

This idea connects to Dr. John Gottman’s concept of the “love bank.” According to this model, each couple has an emotional account. Acts of care, attention, and generosity are deposits. At times, one partner may withdraw when they need space, patience, or understanding.

Originally, this concept was used to describe stable, thriving relationships and to analyze happiness and relationship quality.

Here, I want to focus specifically on trust.

Deposits That Truly Matter

Emotional deposits are not technical transactions. We cannot withdraw simply because we deposited earlier. This is not a real bank account where a balance automatically entitles us to something in return.

Genuine deposits are acts that serve as emotional proof. They quiet the inner voice of doubt and help our partner feel safe.

If a deposit is made in a purely transactional way, such as “I stayed with the kids today, so tomorrow you owe me,” it does not achieve its purpose. Suspicion and frustration will remain.

Deposits must come from a sincere place of love. And if they are not genuine, it is better not to deposit at all.

When Trust Is Missing

But what if real doubts exist? What if deposits are not being made into your emotional account?

Do not deceive yourself into believing you are loved if you are not. Do not force trust where it does not exist. If doubts arise, speak about them. Ask questions. Bring everything into the open.

Blind trust is not healthy. Those who swallow their doubts and force themselves to trust often reach a breaking point, and when that explosion comes, there may be no return.

At the same time, approach the conversation gently.

Reduce accusations. Speak about yourself. Share that you need reassurance, that you want to feel love and safety, and that this will allow you to be more flexible and understanding.

Don’t Even Fully Trust Yourself

Do not assume that you love perfectly and that only the other person needs to change. That assumption is rarely accurate.

Approach the conversation with honesty and humility. You may be surprised to discover that your partner is also carrying justifications about your behavior and is not always succeeding either.

Trust is built when both sides are willing to look inward, speak openly, and listen with sincerity.

Good luck.

Pinchas Hirsch
Couples’ Counselor, M.F.C.