Why You Need a Life Mentor: Rabbi Noach Weinberg on Learning From the Wise

Every expert began as an intern, and the same is true in the world of wisdom. Our learning should not only be from books, but we must find a spiritual mentor and learn from them.

With these words, Rabbi Noach Weinberg explains priceless pieces of guidance drawn from Pirkei Avot.

He explains that the tenth pathway for acquiring Torah wisdom is called “serving the sages,” meaning learning through close contact with wise people and assisting them. To illustrate the importance of a mentor, he offers a vivid parable.

The Interchange Parable

Imagine you are hired to build a major highway interchange. The employer supplies all the tools, materials, and workers, and offers an incredible salary of ten million dollars.

But there is one condition: you must be the sole engineer on the project.

The only problem is that you know nothing. Absolutely nothing about building interchanges. How could you possibly meet the challenge?

Rabbi Weinberg suggests two options.

Option One: Trial and Error

You might say: “I will visit many famous interchanges around the world. I will look at them and drive through them. Then I will start experimenting, maybe by placing a few supports along the existing road and seeing what happens.”

Rabbi Weinberg notes that this is obviously absurd. Even if you kept experimenting for fifty years, you would not discover basic engineering essentials like how deep the foundations must be or what the ideal asphalt composition is.

Option Two: Learn From Experts

The intelligent approach would be: “Give me a few years in engineering school. I will study seriously. I will hire experts for private tutoring. I will read every professional text about roads, bridges, and interchanges. Then I will come back and build it.”

The Question We Avoid Asking

No sane person would take on an important project without experience. Why then, do so many of us choose a profession, get married, and raise children without seeking guidance or training first?

Rabbi Weinberg observes that it is comfortable to hide behind slogans like: “You do not need lessons, you can play by ear” or “When we get to the bridge, we will cross it.”

When things go wrong, we stop, lick our wounds, and begin again from scratch. Is that a healthy way to live?

Life Is More Complex Than Any Engineering Project

Life, Rabbi Weinberg argues, is far more complicated than building even the most advanced interchange in the world. If you want to build a meaningful life, you need experienced people and serious preparation.

That is why our sages recommend the method called “serving the sages,” which means to learn from wise people, be around them, help them and watch how wisdom is lived, not only how it is taught.

You would never rely on trial and error in an operating room, so why leave your personal life to chance? If wisdom is the key to a life of meaning, it is worth pursuing with full effort.

If You Could Meet Your Younger Self

Human beings love independence and dislike admitting we need others. Many people prefer to learn from their own mistakes rather than from the experience of others.

But life is too short for that. Everyone will make mistakes sometimes, so why add extra mistakes that could have been avoided?

As the popular saying goes: an average person learns from mistakes, a truly wise person learns from the mistakes of others.

He adds a sharp example. Many young people travel the world after the army to “find themselves” or “learn about life.” But hoping to learn how to build a bridge by touring famous bridges is still not the same as understanding engineering.

If you are serious, make a plan and find someone who can teach you.

He suggests a practical exercise: Imagine you could go back ten years and speak to your younger self. If you shared an important life lesson, would you listen? Would it be wise to listen?

Speak with someone ten years older than you and ask, “Have you ever made a mistake, and what did you learn from it?” They have lived more than you. It makes sense to learn from that.

Your Parents Are Not “Outdated”

Rabbi Weinberg reminds us that the world gives us an enormous reservoir of wisdom and experience, including our parents. They are not simply “old fashioned.”

He quotes Mark Twain, who joked that when he left for college his father seemed foolish, and when he returned four years later he was amazed at how much his father had “grown wise.”

Rabbi Weinberg shares a striking analogy:  If the President of the United States walked into your home, you would stand, offer a drink, and do whatever you could to help. You would ask for advice and listen closely.

We should relate to a wise person with similar respect. Stand when they enter, help them, and notice what they need. Our sages taught that serving the sages can teach more than study alone, because it places us close to the reality of how wisdom operates under pressure.

Become a Student and an Apprentice

Rabbi Weinberg’s advice is to make yourself a student and an apprentice.

Stay near your teacher, accompany them to meetings and errands, notice their tone, their decisions, their patience, their boundaries, and their care for others. Books matter, but the best learning often comes from observing how an expert actually lives.

When you serve someone, you see them in difficult, tense, and awkward moments. That is where character is revealed. Watch carefully how the wise person reacts, speaks, and treats others. Stay alert, ask questions, and listen.

This is how you grow.

How to Find a Mentor

Rabbi Weinberg offers a practical method.

1. Write down key life categories you want guidance in, such as marriage and raising children.

2. Add broader topics.

3. Start asking people: “Are you experienced in this, or do you know someone who is?”

4. Keep your list with you so you are ready when you meet someone wise.

He also suggests questions to begin with:

What does it mean to be a good person?
How can I be good to others without being used?
How can I control anger?
How can I be a better child to my parents?
What makes a marriage succeed?
How can I be more patient with children?
What responsibility do I have to society?
What does God want from me?

Choose Carefully and Compare

Rabbi Weinberg says: do not settle for the “smartest person in your building.”

If you were buying an air conditioner, you would compare performance, durability, warranty, and service. Choosing a mentor is far more important than that.

Compare, and investigate.

Does this person live with integrity, consistency, and sincerity?
Do they practice what they teach in their private life?
Do their answers satisfy you?
Who are their teachers?
What community do they belong to?

He warns that some people use “wisdom” to exploit and control others. Such figures often detach from healthy community structures and gather inexperienced followers. Be careful, and check whether the person is respected within a stable, respectable community.

The Key Is Trust and Communication

A strong teacher student relationship requires trust and communication. Choose someone who understands you and your background. Above all, make sure they are accessible.

Even the best mentor in the world is not helpful if you cannot actually speak with them.

If you cannot find the ideal person, Rabbi Weinberg advises choosing a temporary mentor who can help you stabilize, clarify your thinking, and move forward.

Choose someone who pushes you to grow, challenges you, and encourages you to rise. Do not choose someone who lets you sit comfortably inside your old habits and assumptions. That is not growth.

Loyalty Is Part of Growth

Rabbi Weinberg adds a line of humor with a serious point.

Many people replace their mentor every time they hear something they do not like. That is a perfect method for never changing. If for every question you choose a teacher who already agrees with you, you can live to 120 with the same assumptions, the same blind spots, and the same wasted potential.

A good mentor, like a good doctor, may also refer you to another expert when needed. It is not necessary to agree with every word, and it is not recommended to follow blindly. And yet, you need to work hard to understand their perspective.

Ask questions, present your arguments, and listen carefully. Remain open to being persuaded if it is the truth.

Why We Need an Outside Perspective

We are not objective about ourselves. We bend reality in ways that feel comfortable, and we struggle to see ourselves clearly.

A mentor adds an external, more objective viewpoint. That is why the sages gave this advice. If you want to make the most of life, use the counsel of our sages: learn through serving the wise.

To learn about life, you need a guide. Independence is natural, but if it hardens into pride, it becomes an obstacle to growth.

So go out, and find yourself a teacher.

This article is adapted and rewritten from the book “48 Ways to Wisdom” by Rabbi Noach Weinberg.