When Pleasing Isn’t Love: Fear, Control, and the Loss of Self

“I just don’t understand why everything I do for you isn’t enough,” Odia complained. “I’m doing so much more than any other woman would do. Everyone in the family says how amazing I am. Roi, you’re so lucky. But you take it all for granted. You’re unappreciative and ungrateful.”

“Odia, I can’t quite explain it,” Roi replied. “I really do appreciate your effort and everything you do. But it feels like it comes from the wrong place. It doesn’t feel good to me.”

“What hurts you?” she asked, growing frustrated. “Is it hard for you to be happy? I agree with everything you say. I don’t argue. I do everything you want. What more do you want?”

“I don’t want you to agree with me on everything,” Roi said quietly. “I want you to bring your true self into the relationship.”

“Enough with these words,” she snapped. “I am bringing my true self. Why are you always suspicious of my intentions?”

When Pleasing Replaces Choice

“Wait, Odia,” I said. “This is an important point because it touches the core of your relationship.

What Roi is trying to express is that the things you do for him are not coming from true choice, but from fear.”

“What do I have to be afraid of?” she asked.

“Think for a moment,” I said. “What do you believe might happen if Roi isn’t happy in the relationship?”

She hesitated, then answered softly. “I think he might lose interest. Maybe he wouldn’t love me anymore. Maybe he’d want to leave.”

“That fear,” I explained, “prevents you from expressing a different opinion or standing behind your own reactions. You are afraid of his disappointment and his strong emotional responses, so you prefer to agree with him instead.”

“So you’re saying Roi controls me?” Odia asked.

“No,” I replied gently. “Roi doesn’t control you. Fear controls you. The fear of losing his love. The fear of facing his dissatisfaction.

Because of that fear, you are unable to act freely, from your own inner position. You depend on him to validate your worth and confirm that you are good enough.”

When Self Sacrifice Becomes Self Focus

“That’s why you’re not acting based on what you think or feel,” I continued, “but on what you believe Roi wants. And that actually keeps you focused on yourself.”

“What?” she protested. “I’m all about him, and you’re telling me I’m self centered?”

“When your motivation is to preserve your image and protect your sense of worth,” I explained, “your actions may look selfless, but they are driven by the need to maintain emotional security.

That is also why criticism feels so threatening. It risks collapsing the structure you’ve built.”

“But when you act מתוך ערך, from a value you truly believe in, criticism becomes easier to tolerate. You are no longer dependent on constant approval.”

Losing Your Voice

“There’s another reason you tend to please,” I added. “You’ve lost your backbone.

Because you understand Roi so deeply and absorb his opinions so completely, your own voice has faded.”

“When a person lacks clear positions and values of their own, it’s natural to rely on someone else to define them. That makes it difficult to assert yourself or take initiative.”

“How do I develop a backbone?” Odia asked quietly.

“By beginning to explore your own opinions,” I said. “Through independent thought, honest inquiry, and connection to your inner strength. Not in opposition to him, but as a separate, whole person.”

Learning to Tolerate Disappointment

“I just can’t stand seeing him disappointed,” Odia said, her eyes filling with tears. “It hurts me, even when I’m not thinking about myself at all.”

“That’s an important insight,” I replied. “Another reason you need to please is that you cannot tolerate disappointment.

When Roi is unhappy, whether justified or not, it’s unbearable for you.”

“But life includes frustration,” I continued. “Disappointment is part of growth. Trust that Roi can experience it and grow from it as well.

You don’t need to rescue him from every difficult emotion in order to love him.”