When Listening Isn’t Enough: A Common Relationship Trap

“We sat down to talk again. I’m sharing what happened today, but I feel like he’s not really listening to me. I try to explain myself, and he just doesn’t get it. Not only is he not listening, he doesn’t understand me.”

Does this sound familiar?

Many couples describe the same experience. They sit down to talk about a challenge or an important event. They want to share, but walk away feeling unheard.

One partner responds, “Of course I listened. I even told you what I think.”

Yet the lingering feeling is that something was missing. There was not enough understanding, not enough attentiveness.

Two Very Different Ways of Listening

There are two types of listening.

The first is knowledge listening. This type of listening focuses on gathering information. We listen in order to know what happened, what needs to be done, or how to respond.

Most of our daily interactions rely on this kind of listening. Even with close friends or family, we often listen just enough to prepare our reply.

For example:

Mom: “Yoni, how was your day at school?”
Yoni: “It was really fun. I played with friends, and the teacher didn’t come today.”
Mom: “Do you have homework?”

Nothing is wrong with this exchange. Information was shared, and the conversation moved on.

Emotional Listening

The second type is emotional listening, and it is much more demanding.

Emotional listening means staying with what the other person is sharing, without rushing to respond. It requires presence, curiosity, and restraint.

In emotional listening, the same conversation might sound like this:

Mom: “Yoni, how was your day at school?”
Yoni: “It was really fun. I played with friends, and the teacher didn’t come today.”
Mom: “What did you enjoy the most? What did you play? Which friends did you have the most fun with?”

The more you enter the speaker’s inner world, the more they feel seen, heard, and cared for.

Why Couples Struggle to Feel Heard

With a partner, emotional listening becomes more complex. Especially during conflict, both sides have thoughts, feelings, and opinions they want to express.

Still, before we want to be answered, advised, or corrected, we want to feel understood.

When emotional listening is missing, conversations quickly turn into parallel monologues instead of real dialogue.

The Power of Being Truly Heard

Emotional listening takes practice and openness. It asks us to pause our reactions and stay present with another person’s experience.

But when it happens, it creates something powerful. A sense of significance. Closeness. A deeper and more meaningful connection.

Yaakov Ohion is a couples counselor and an expert in relationship communication.