Rebuilding After Betrayal: The Belief That Keeps Love Frozen

“I just can’t,” Doron said in despair. “Maybe another husband could live with her after everything she’s done, but I can’t. Do you understand?”

“Even though you see she has completely changed?” I asked. “That she has repented wholeheartedly? She’s doing everything she can to repair what was broken and build a far better life together than before. And if I may whisper this to you, a life far better than anything you’d likely find today through divorce.”

“Yes, but I still can’t,” he said. “I’m trying so hard. I force myself to think positively about her. I push myself to stay with her through situations that are unbearable for me. I can’t even look at her sometimes. Every moment she’s near me feels heavy. I feel like she’s tainted.”

Why Stay If You Believe It Can’t Be Fixed?

“Then why are you still in the relationship?” I asked.

“That’s exactly what I don’t understand,” Doron replied bitterly. “I don’t know why I’ve stayed all these years when I don’t really believe it can be repaired. It makes me furious.”

“You’re angrier at yourself than at her,” I said.

“Yes,” he admitted quietly. “I should have left long ago. I’m angry at myself for being so spineless, always thinking about the kids and her, and putting myself last.”

Validating the Pain

“It’s very important for me to acknowledge your pain,” I said. “To validate it. What you’re feeling is truly difficult, almost unbearable.

Doron, almost anyone who has gone through something like this would feel exactly as you do, and many would have ended the relationship long ago. And yet you are still here. You are investing, torn inside, suffering, giving of yourself.

There is a reason for that. Deep down, you know this relationship is eternal.”

“What eternal?” he shot back. “It’s shattered to the core.”

“Yes,” I said. “It is shattered because it was built on a shaky foundation. Now it is being rebuilt on healthy, corrected foundations that can endure for generations.

The divine plan is precise.”

The Belief That Blocks Repair

“This repair process,” I continued, “collides with a very deep belief you hold. Do you know what it is?”

“Yes,” he said. “That there are wounds that can’t be forgiven or repaired.”

“Not only that,” I added. “You also don’t truly believe in the possibility of real return, of genuine change. And because you don’t believe it’s possible for yourself, you project that belief onto her.”

“That’s why I want to end the relationship,” Doron said.

“Before deciding that,” I replied, “we need to understand the two voices within you.

One voice is your true, good, divine desire. It seeks unity between your soul and your wife’s soul.

The other voice seeks separation. That voice is rooted in ego, in the rigid belief that forgiveness is impossible and that certain wounds can never be healed.”

When Belief Feels Like Identity

“I feel that my true self wants to end the relationship,” Doron said. “If I forgive this hurt, I erase myself. I give up everything I believe in. It feels like giving up who I am.”

“What is ‘yourself’?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he said honestly.

Ego, Identity, and the True Self

“This is complex, but essential,” I said.

Identifying with the divine soul is difficult because it is internal and subtle. The ego, tied to the body, is loud and obvious, so it’s easy to identify with.

That’s why we cling to substitutes for identity. Sports teams, public figures, social causes, opinions, fears, anger. We think these are who we are, but they are not.

These identities are replaceable.

You identify so strongly with this belief that letting go of it feels like losing yourself. But your true self exists beneath that belief.

In fact, only by releasing it can you discover who you really are, because that is where your connection to the Creator lies.

Letting Go Is Not Giving Up

“You have no idea how hard I’m trying to make this relationship work,” Doron said. “I don’t think anyone has tried harder.”

“That’s true,” I replied. “You’re working endlessly. But with this belief intact, even twenty years of effort won’t succeed.

You can stop exhausting yourself on every front and focus on one precise, delicate task. A kind of inner surgery that will free you from where you are stuck.”

“What should I do?” he asked.

Releasing the Belief

“Learn to let go,” I said. “Release the belief you’re holding so tightly. Understand that by releasing it, you are not abandoning yourself. You are reclaiming your life, in a far more refined form.

You are clinging to something you believe is a lifeline, but it is actually pulling you under.”

“How do I let go?” he asked.

“First, understand this: if something is possible in the world, it is possible for you.

Begin slowly to accept that there are other valid responses to relational crisis. That reality is not black and white. There are shades, depth, and complexity.

Your belief is blocking repair, even though the facts show you have every reason to build something extraordinary today. She is repenting. She is working consistently. She wants to fix the relationship. And deep down, you still want her. But something stronger than you is holding you back.

That something is a belief. And beliefs are not who you are.”

Beliefs Can Change

“Beliefs can be replaced,” I continued. “How you saw life yesterday is not how you see it today. Think about how your perspective was ten or twenty years ago.

You fear that changing this belief will leave you in an unbearable void.

But I believe your despair is actually your life’s invitation. An invitation to stop serving a false idol and to invest your energy in the place where it truly belongs.

You deserve to be fulfilled.”

“But I was fulfilled before she hurt me,” Doron said. “Why did she do it?”

“You’re right,” I answered. “On the surface, the relationship looked perfect. But there was no true unity.

Now, out of pain, growth can emerge. You deserve a deeper partnership, one built with someone willing to fight for you and repair what was broken.

The work now is to release the old belief, adopt a corrected one, and connect all your inner strength to it.”

Hannah Dayan
Couples and Emotional Counselor