From Survival to Choice: Reclaiming Desire in Relationships

“I wanted to talk to you about what you said, that everything follows desire,” Daphne began. “I just feel like I don’t have any desire. I’m trying to find it, but I can’t.

“Objectively, I know I should want this relationship. There isn’t a single logical reason not to. He’s a wonderful man and an amazing father. But I don’t truly feel the desire. Can you help me?”

“There are many ways to awaken desire,” I replied. “But in your case, it’s not about awakening desire. You already have all the tools needed to ignite it. That’s not the problem. Something else is blocking it.”

When Desire Is Not the Issue

“What is it?” she asked.

“I’m going to say something that might initially provoke resistance,” I said, “but let’s try to understand it together.

“I don’t think you are in a place of authentic choice in this relationship. When a person makes a real, free choice, they can direct all their emotional strength toward it. Right now, you’re not choosing.”

“Why am I not choosing?” she asked.

“Because you feel trapped,” I answered. “When I asked you why you’re not getting divorced—”

“Wait,” she interrupted. “Are you trying to convince me to get divorced?”

“On the contrary,” I said calmly. “I want you to choose your marriage from a genuine place. But first, tell me again what scares you about divorce.”

The Fear List

She took a breath and began listing.
“I’m afraid I’ll grow old alone. That no one will want me. That the kids will hate me or be hurt. That Reuven will be hurt. That he’ll hate me. That he’ll make my life miserable if I leave. What the family will say. What the neighbors will say. That I won’t manage financially.”

“All of those fears are natural,” I said. “Not only natural, but important. Fear is a healthy defense mechanism. It protects us from reckless and destructive decisions.

“But here’s the problem. These fears are no longer protecting you. They are controlling you.”

When Fear Replaces Choice

“That’s why you can’t choose freely,” I continued. “You’re essentially coerced into the relationship. You’re surviving inside it, not choosing it. And when a relationship is lived in survival mode, vitality cannot grow.”

“But everyone has fears like these,” she said. “It’s not just me.”

“That’s true,” I agreed. “The difference is whether fear exists in the background or whether it sits in the driver’s seat.

“I’ll give you an example. Fear of flying. When we don’t address it, we simply don’t fly. Coping doesn’t mean eliminating fear. It means allowing fear to exist without letting it decide for us.”

Shrinking Fear to Its Real Size

“You need to do the same here,” I explained. “You can’t magically erase your fears, but you can reduce them and return them to their true proportions.

“Take the fear of what people will say if you divorce. Today, divorce is so common that not being divorced almost makes you unusual. In every second or third home, someone has divorced, is divorcing, or will divorce. In many of the remaining homes, couples live in anger or emotional distance. Only a small percentage are truly happy and actively working on their relationship.”

“What do you feel happening to that fear now?” I asked.

“It feels smaller,” she said. “More realistic.”

“Exactly. Our fears are rarely proportional to reality. The work is to normalize them one by one and place them back into context.”

Choosing Again and Again

“When you do this systematically,” I said, “you can release the fear of divorce. Then you are finally able to choose.”

“So that’s it?” she asked. “I’ll be free and it will all disappear?”

“No,” I smiled. “This is lifelong work. We normalize fear again and again, and each time, we choose anew.”

The Boat and the Engine

“I’ll explain it another way,” I said. “Last summer, I was on vacation riding a small motorboat through narrow streams filled with vegetation.

“Every fifteen minutes, the engine slowed. We had to stop, reach into the water, and pull out the plants tangled in the motor.”

“I get it,” Daphne said. “The plants are my fears.”

“Exactly. They clog your emotional engine and prevent forward movement. When you remove them, your emotional energy flows again.

“Each time you feel stuck, your work is to clear the fears and choose Reuven anew.”

When Desire Can Finally Flow

“When you do that,” I concluded, “your emotional strengths can align with your choice. Desire can emerge naturally, not because you forced it, but because you are finally free.

“And from that place, you can build a relationship that is strong, healthy, and filled with joy.”

Wishing you much success.

Hannah Dayan
Couples and Emotional Counselor