Comforting Mourners in Jewish Law: Meaning, Mitzvah, and Practical Guidance

Our Sages ask (Sotah 14a) about the verse: “After the Lord your God you shall walk.” Is it possible for a human being to walk after God, when it is already written, “For the Lord your God is a consuming fire”? 

Rather, the meaning is to walk after His attributes. Just as the Holy One, blessed be He, visits the sick, as it says, “The Lord appeared to him at the terebinths of Mamre” (God visited Avraham after his circumcision at the age of ninety-nine) — so too you should visit the sick. Just as He comforts mourners, as it says, “And it was after the death of Avraham that God blessed Yitzchak his son” — so too you should comfort mourners. Just as He buries the dead, as it says regarding Moshe, “And He buried him in the valley,” so too you should bury the dead.

A Torah Commandment or Rabbinic Law?

According to many halachic authorities, the obligations of visiting the sick, comforting mourners, and burying the dead are Torah commandments (among them: the author of Halachot Gedolot, Ramban, Rashbatz, the students of Rabbeinu Yonah, Ritva, Riaz, Yere’im, and others). Even those who maintain that these obligations are rabbinic agree that they are included in the Torah commandment of “Love your fellow as yourself.”

The Rambam writes (Laws of Mourning 14:1): “It is a positive commandment of rabbinic origin to visit the sick, comfort mourners, escort the dead, bring in the bride, accompany guests, and attend to all the needs of burial—carrying the bier on one’s shoulder, walking before it, eulogizing, digging, and burying. Likewise, to gladden the bride and groom and assist them in all their needs. These are acts of kindness performed with one’s body, for which there is no fixed measure. Even though all these mitzvot are rabbinic, they are included in the commandment ‘Love your fellow as yourself’: whatever you would want others to do for you, do for your fellow in Torah and mitzvot.”

Pirkei deRabbi Eliezer teaches that Shlomo HaMelech recognized how precious acts of kindness are before God. Therefore, he built two gates in the Temple: one for grooms, whom passersby would bless, and one for mourners, to whom they would say, “May He who dwells in this House comfort you,” so that all Israel would fulfill the mitzvah of kindness.

Educating Children

One who goes to fulfill the mitzvah of comforting mourners does well to take his children along, in order to educate them in acts of kindness. This also impresses upon them the truth that this is the end of all people, and that the primary purpose of coming into this world is to acquire Torah, mitzvot, and good deeds.

Seven Days and Nights

The mitzvah of comforting mourners applies by day and by night, throughout the seven days of mourning. It is especially important during the first three days, when the pain is greatest and the mourner is most in need of comfort.

Some sources note that there were places where people refrained from visiting during the first three days, but this practice was strongly rejected by leading authorities as contrary to both reason and Torah, since the mourner’s bitterness is greatest precisely then. Moreover, comforting mourners also benefits the soul of the deceased, and there is no reason to distinguish between the early days and the rest.

Setting Visiting Hours

Because mourners are obligated to study Torah — particularly the laws of mourning, it is appropriate to set fixed hours for receiving visitors, such as late morning and evening hours around the prayer services. This allows the mourners to study Torah properly and to rest. There is nothing greater than Torah study to protect the soul of the departed, especially during the first days when judgment is severe and the soul requires great assistance from its relatives.

Seating

Those who come to comfort sit on chairs or benches, not on the ground like the mourners. Although, strictly speaking, they could be required to sit on the ground, the accepted custom is otherwise, as mourners waive this honor.

The Mourner Speaks First

Comforters should not speak until the mourner initiates conversation. This is learned from Iyov’s friends, who sat silently until Iyov himself began to speak. The reason is to allow the mourner to express his pain first.

If the mourner is unable to speak due to intense grief or awe of the visitors, the comforters may gently begin words of consolation.

Reviving the Brokenhearted

The Chafetz Chaim writes that one should not suffice with a few formal words, but should try to speak to the mourner’s heart, revive the spirit of the lowly, and ease their pain with words of wisdom and faith — that God is compassionate and that all He does is for good. It is also proper to speak of the deceased’s good deeds in Torah, righteousness, and kindness. Comforting the poor is considered even more meritorious than comforting the wealthy.

Gentle Speech

One must be extremely careful not to rebuke or attribute tragedy to specific sins. The purpose of consolation is to calm and strengthen the mourners, not to distress them further. Words should be spoken gently, emphasizing the beauty of Torah and mitzvot and the great reward awaiting in the World to Come.

Caution in Speech

Comforters must not, God forbid, question or criticize God’s ways. Rather, they should encourage acceptance of God’s decree with love, just as one blesses God for good, so too for hardship. Iyov serves as the model: despite his immense loss, he blessed God and did not utter anything improper.

Shabbat

It is permitted to comfort mourners on Shabbat. Some say, “Shabbat is a time to refrain from mourning, and comfort is near,” while others speak as during the week. The main thing is to strengthen and encourage the mourners, without excessive discussion of the deceased.

Men and Women

Men and women should not sit together in the mourning house for reasons of modesty. When men comfort women, they should stand at the doorway and offer words of consolation.

When There Are No Mourners

If no relatives are present to observe mourning, ten people should gather in the house of the deceased during the seven days, so others may come to comfort them. This honors the deceased and benefits the soul, which remains connected to the home during this period.

By Phone or Letter

Ideally, one should go in person to comfort mourners. If this is not possible due to distance or great difficulty, one may console them by phone or letter. While this fulfills the mitzvah to some extent, in-person comfort is preferable, as it honors both the living and the deceased.

Visiting the Sick vs. Comforting Mourners

If one can do both, visiting the sick should come first, in order to pray for their recovery. If only one mitzvah can be fulfilled, comforting mourners takes precedence, as it is kindness toward both the living and the dead.

Non-Jewish Mourners

It is proper to comfort non-Jewish mourners as well, for the sake of peace.

After the Mourning Period

Within thirty days (or twelve months for parents), one may speak words of consolation. After that period, one should simply inquire after the person’s well-being and not reopen the pain by extended consolation.

Comforting mourners is an act of kindness for both the living and the dead. May we merit to fulfill this mitzvah with wisdom, sensitivity, and compassion, and may God soon comfort all mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.