Choosing Your Partner Day: Love Without Control

The freedom to choose is not merely a democratic principle. It is the foundation of human life.

By virtue of being human, a person needs to feel a sense of control over their life. We decide what to do and when. We choose how to act and how to respond.

Even prisoners retain choice. Although they have no control over where they are, when they eat, or when they go outside, they still choose what to think, how to treat others, and how to behave.

Marriage introduces a significant shift. By entering into marriage, both bride and groom relinquish a meaningful degree of independence. From that point on, another person becomes an active partner in nearly every decision, large and small. Countless jokes have been made about this loss of freedom.

But there is another kind of loss of control, one I encountered during a conversation with Eran and Naava.

She Does Whatever She Wants

She does not care what I think, Eran complained. She just does whatever she wants.

At first, I imagined dramatic conflicts. Decisions imposed on him. Boundaries crossed.

To my surprise, his complaints focused on things that had nothing to do with him directly. The way she spoke with her friends, using slang. What she did in her free time, not praying or saying Tehillim. What she ate. Even the fact that she was gaining weight.

Naava could not understand why any of this mattered to him. She asked him to let her be and to focus on himself instead of monitoring her.

On the surface, she was absolutely right. Marriage does not turn a spouse into a child, and no one has the right to manage another adult’s life. That would be infuriating.

Still, I wanted to help Eran without lecturing him, which would only shut him down.

Understanding What Hurts

The first step in helping someone is understanding what truly hurts them.

Tell me, Eran, I asked, why does her behavior bother you so much? She is not infringing on your rights or interfering in your personal life. Why does it upset you when she speaks in slang?

There were many possible answers. Just because. When I ask her to stop and she does not, it feels disrespectful. Or even, it is hard for me to love a woman who behaves like that, and I want to love my wife.

But Eran surprised me.

He paused. He thought. For a long time. Almost forty seconds.

I feel like she is taking away my right to choose, he finally said.

The Loss of Choice Inside Commitment

At first, I did not understand. But he continued.

All my life, I had the right to choose who I was close to. If someone behaved in a way I could not accept, I could distance myself and move on. With Naava, I cannot do that. I am too attached to her. I love her. No matter what she does, she knows I will not leave.

He stopped, struggling to articulate what he had lost.

To choose every day to live with my wife, he finally said.

Eran expressed something very deep.

Sometimes, we feel as though we are no longer choosing at all. We enter a life track marriage, work, children and from that point on, the track runs on its own. We are no longer the ones running. We are just trying to navigate obstacles along the way.

Divorce feels impossible due to emotional, social, and practical constraints. Life paths once imagined are no longer available. Our reality now has shape and color, and we cannot undo it.

Yet Eran still wants to choose. Not the big life decisions, but the daily ones. To feel that he chooses to love, to connect, to stay, especially with the woman standing before him.

Her behavior, though not directed against him, was a painful reminder that he had no exit. No freedom. That he was bound forever.

Two Possible Responses

There are two ways to respond to Eran’s pain.

The first is to argue. To prove to him that he is choosing every day. To bring examples of people who changed their lives at eighty. To explain that his feeling is incorrect.

I chose not to do that.

I empathized too deeply. There are areas in my own life where I also feel a lack of control. Eran would have understood me.

So I chose the second path.

Choosing From Within

If you are seeking something from Naava and not finding it, I said, try asking whether you can give it to yourself.

Let her be. Even if today she behaves exactly as you wish and you feel that sense of choice, tomorrow she will do something else you do not like, and that feeling of being trapped will return.

He nodded.

Ask yourself whether you can choose the situation as it is. Can you choose to connect with a woman who is different from you, who sees the world differently, who follows social codes you would not imagine? Can you choose her with all of that?

What We Really Choose

Eran taught me something important.

We do not choose our reality. Even with effort, reality is shaped by people who do not act according to our needs or expectations.

But every day, we choose how to relate to that reality.

We choose whether to respect what is different and uncomfortable, or to impose our inner rules on others. Whether to see difference as a threat or as an invitation to grow.

And yes, whether to impose our beliefs on others under the guise of guidance, or to accept them as they are and learn something about ourselves.

A Quiet Resolution

At the end of the conversation, Naava told Eran that for the first time, she truly understood him. She promised to remind him that she was not against him, and that he was choosing every day to accept her as she is.

I believe that was the right direction.

What do you think?

Pinchas Hirsch
Couples Counselor M.F.C