When One Needs Space: How Distance Is Felt as Rejection

“I’m tired of it. He’s just a big baby. Every time he tries to get close to me and I don’t engage, he pouts like a little kid. It’s unbelievable. He decides he needs air, grabs his running shoes, heads out, and ends up with a beer and the friends he runs with.”

“As if that weren’t enough, he also goes silent, distancing himself for a few days until he starts talking to me again. He’s acting like a child,” Tamar said, tears in her eyes.

“I don’t understand what the problem is. Instead of making a scene and drama like you, I just go for a run. I need it. It calms me down and brings me back to balance. Maybe you should learn from me how to be composed and reasonable, choosing to release energy in a mature way. You also forget to mention that I was trying to get closer to you, and you pushed me away. That’s insulting and painful. So why should I even get close to her at all? If she doesn’t want me, then I don’t want her. She’s not doing me any favors,” Doron responded angrily.

“I’m fed up with your ‘must’ attitude. Everything revolves around your needs. No matter what I do for you, it’s never enough. I’m just exhausted,” she shot back.

“I’m even more fed up,” Doron raised his voice.

“You’re both right,” I said. “You’re both right that you’re fed up. It’s neither possible nor wise to continue like this. Let’s try to understand some important points about how a couple perceives their relationship, according to Jewish psychological teachings.”

Container and Light

“Tamar, you are the ground. The growth power of the household lies within you. Just as in the biological realm, you develop the seed and nurture life within you. Doron comes to the relationship with energy and strength, and you are the container for the energies he brings into the home.”

“Because of your sensitivity, you actually serve as the regulatory system within this couple’s dynamic.”

“Doron, when you come to Tamar with energy and a desire to connect and encounter a barrier, you experience rejection. But this is not personal rejection. It reflects where the relationship currently stands.”

“This is actually her honest statement. She is open to receiving from you. Trying to force your way through a locked door does not work.”

“There must be gentleness and sensitivity. You need to see her and check whether she is emotionally available. You have to knock softly and ask for permission. It is like offering a cup of tea. There must be softness in your soul before connection can occur. It cannot go from zero to one hundred.”

“She feels that you are not giving to her, but rather trying to take from her.”

Giving Versus Taking

“The magic of true connection lies in the desire to give. Tamar needs to feel that you are coming from a place of giving toward her. She should not experience your desire for closeness as if she is merely an object.”

“You need to grow, develop, and elevate your perception, and learn to experience her as a subject.”

“Like all of us, the natural tendency is to focus on ourselves. When you, Doron, bring all your energy and Tamar pushes you away, you take it personally and feel hurt. You then choose to direct that energy away from the home.”

“There is a significant difference between you that must be understood.”

“Tamar, what you need in order to feel connected is almost the opposite of what Doron needs. Yet you both want the same thing: closeness and connection.”

Learning Each Other’s Language

“Tamar, your work in the relationship begins with understanding that Doron speaks a different emotional language. This is not against you. This is his way.”

“You both want real connection, not pleasing connection. And real connection requires truth and trust.”

“You, Doron, must learn to trust Tamar and the regulatory role she brings into the relationship. A true partnership requires connection on multiple levels, including emotional communication.”

“Tamar brings the truth of where she is emotionally so that you can later reach a deeper and more powerful connection.”

Standing Firm and Building Trust

“On the other hand, Tamar, you need to stand firmly in your place and insist on the truth. Connection must come from closeness and warmth. Incorporating these into daily life helps prevent the creation of gaps. This is a journey and a process.”

“Doron’s energy and longing are essential. They are the driving force of the relationship and must be channeled into the marriage and the home.”

“When you feel that energy is not being brought into the shared couple and family space, you must bravely speak up. And you, Doron, as trust slowly builds, will be able to bring all your light into a genuine connection.”

Responsibility and Partnership

“Hashem matched the two of you together, among other reasons, to help you confront and refine areas within yourselves. At the same time, a relationship must include pleasure and longing. A couple’s bond is a chosen bond. It is not meant for suffering, but for connection and joy.”

“It is not easy to face painful and dark places. Often, we prefer to ignore them and move on. But your connection is likely stable and deep enough now to move to the next stage, where truth leads rather than fear or appeasement.”

“Tamar, it is not easy to stand firm in front of someone you love, someone who has been your partner for many years. You feared being seen as ‘bad’ or ‘harsh,’ but that is not the truth. Being authentic is better than being good.”

“You feared that if you held your true place, he would leave you. That fear of abandonment needs correction.”

“But Doron, none of this can happen if you do not give Tamar your trust and understand that maintaining the household, laundry, dishes, and raising the children are shared responsibilities and shared energy.”

“You will stop feeling pressured once you truly recognize how much Tamar gives to you, the home, and the children.”

“I don’t understand,” Tamar said. “Why isn’t he expected to handle this on his own? This house is as much his as it is mine.”

“In terms of responsibility, it is actually even more his responsibility. When he married you, he committed to caring for your needs and the needs of the household. That means the weight of responsibility rests more heavily on him. But mentally, he is naturally inclined to invest his energy in areas that interest him more. That tendency is embedded in him.”

“It’s simply unbelievable. All men are the same,” Tamar said.

“That is not true. Every man stands on his own, shaped by his upbringing, his life experiences, and how much work he has done to refine his nature and prepare for marital connection.”

“We all need correction in different areas. It is natural that you both resist the process because it touches your vulnerabilities. To overcome that resistance, consistent reflection is required, learning to view the relationship through a couple’s lens rather than an individual one.”