Entering the Other’s World: The Hidden Work of Marriage

“I can’t take any more of her outbursts. She just won’t calm down,” Assi said restlessly.

“How does he expect me to calm down? I feel like the entire household depends on me. I’m responsible for the chores, the kids, and even our relationship. It infuriates me that if I don’t push him, he truly doesn’t care about any of these things,” Rotem replied angrily.

“She’s always mad at me. Even when she’s calm, I can feel her anger. And worst of all, she never wants to hear my side of the story. I do everything she asks around the house, much more than other men I know,” Assi tried to explain.

“Do you hear what the problem is?” Rotem turned to me. “He always has an explanation for everything.”

“You have no idea how much I’m trying to get closer to her. But the moment I make one wrong move, she explodes and lets her anger dictate the entire day. If she just calmed down, our lives would be so much better,” Assi shot back.

“The problem,” I said, “is that neither of you is willing to give up your loneliness.”

“What?” they both asked in disbelief.

Two Realities Under One Roof

“You need to understand how this dynamic works in order to see where the struggle truly lies.

“In your relationship, each of you lives in your own reality. Assi, you experience your inner world as truth. From your perspective, you act for the household and try to connect. But Rotem is not inside your reality. She sees your actions through her own lens. She experiences your efforts as attempts to appease her, not as genuine care for the home or for her.

“When you try to get closer, she feels that you are focused only on yourself and that you don’t truly see where she stands.”

Anger as a Cry for Connection

“Through anger and distancing, Rotem is trying to pull you into her world. Her intensity is not cruelty. It is a cry that says: you are not with me.

“Naturally, when someone feels attacked, the last thing they want to do is enter the other person’s world, especially when that world feels full of accusations. So, as a form of self-defense, you retreat into your own reality and try to pull her into it instead.

“In your space, you feel protected from anger and emotional overload. Your attempts to explain yourself and prove your truth are actually attempts to force her into your reality. That is precisely what intensifies her anger.”

Why Explanations Hurt

“Why does that make her so angry?” Assi asked.

“You hurt her twice,” I explained. “First, she invited you into her world, and you rejected the invitation. Second, through your explanations, she felt that you were forcing her into your reality instead.”

“That explains why I feel so lonely all the time,” Rotem said quietly. “Now I understand what you meant when you spoke about loneliness.”

“And you,” I replied, “are also not willing to give up your reality. Otherwise, you wouldn’t become so upset.”

Meeting Without Forcing

“So how can we unite our two worlds?” Assi asked. “Are we destined to stay separate and lonely? Everyone wants to express their truth and not be left alone with it.”

“Assi,” I answered, “unity begins with your ability to uproot yourself from your reality and enter Rotem’s. This is your life’s work in this relationship.”

“I don’t understand. Why me? She should do it too,” he protested.

“If she does, it is a gift to you. Each person has their own work in the relationship. Joining another’s reality is work. Having someone join yours is a gift, an act of divine grace.”

Loneliness and Choice

“Rotem,” I continued, “try to loosen the belief that Assi must enter your reality. Hashem created the world with a law of free choice. No one can be forced to cross realities. If you want to stop feeling alone, you too are invited to step out of your own reality and enter his. Only then can a true meeting occur.”

“So does that mean I have to give up my truth?” she asked.

“No. It means you are willing to be alone with your truth. That courage is precisely what allows connection.

“Very often, because we fear being alone in our inner world, we force others to enter it. That force is violence. Sometimes it appears as anger, sometimes as emotional storms, sometimes as intellectual arguments. At its core, it is the same movement: fear of loneliness. That is the tragedy of the human soul.”

This Is Not Personal

“Rotem, you are deeply connected to a man who struggles to understand emotional distress. And you, Assi, are in great pain because she does not believe you and refuses to hear your explanations.

“You must understand that these tensions exist in every relationship. They are not the result of your personality, Rotem, nor your insensitivity, Assi. This is part of the human condition.”

Living in a Mindset of Gift

“So what is the solution?” they asked together.

“You need to adopt a mindset of gift. If a partner manages to connect with you, that is a heavenly gift, something lofty and rare.

“If you learn to truly meet one another, you will realize what a miracle connection is. It is not natural. It cannot be forced. It requires effort and choice.

“I suggest you begin practicing this with your children. When a child says, ‘Mom, I’m angry because you never care about me,’ don’t try to fix the emotion, and don’t defend yourself by proving how wonderful you are. Enter their truth. Be with them there, so they are not alone.

“That is how you truly meet emotional needs. Presence, not solutions, creates connection.”