Words You Can’t Take Back: Why “Let’s Forget It” Hurts More

This regret, after you’ve done what you’ve done.

This shame, when you can’t look her in the eyes.

That crushing feeling of worthlessness, when the world suddenly looks dark.

You don’t understand how it happened or why. All you want is to grab your head, retreat inward, and wait for her to forget.

You barely remember how it started. That morning you woke up in a fairly good mood. You were sitting together, talking about something you can’t quite recall. She said something. You replied. And from there it spiraled, until you found yourself saying words you’re now ashamed to even remember.

Why does this keep happening to you? Time after time, you lose control. This isn’t the first time you’ve ended up in this painful, embarrassing place. You’ve promised yourself countless times that from now on you’ll be more respectful, more self-controlled.

And it’s not always about harsh words. Sometimes the regret comes from not listening. From realizing, after the fact, that a moment was deeply significant for her, and you weren’t there. All of these situations leave you carrying the same heavy sense of shame.

You decide that today is the day. Enough. You’re turning over a new leaf.

You approach her and make what feels like the mistake of your life.

“Let’s forget everything. That wasn’t me. From now on, it’s a clean slate.”

Boom.

She doesn’t speak to you for two weeks after that sentence.

Conscience and Its Role

Conscience is a good thing. It’s a gift Hashem gave us, a compass that tells us when we’ve strayed from the right path and opens the door to repentance.

The challenge is learning how to manage conscience and guide what we do with it.

You don’t need to be a psychologist to understand that even when a person is angry and feels they’ve “lost control,” the words they speak are often words that have been weighing on their heart for some time.

The Gemara teaches that a person does not dream of an elephant passing through the eye of a needle. Our minds don’t invent feelings and thoughts out of nothing. The words that surface, even in anger, are connected to something real within us.

Yes, if we hadn’t been angry, we might have expressed ourselves more gently. We might have swallowed our pride and let things go. But at the core, in that moment of anger, we spoke from a kernel of truth that has been churning inside us.

Don’t Erase What Was Said

And then conscience arrives, and we ask ourselves: should we erase everything?

Do we really think the person standing in front of us didn’t understand what was happening? They heard us clearly. They were genuinely hurt. Words, once spoken, cannot be taken back.

The healthier path is not erasure.

The healthier path is to identify that kernel of truth from which the words emerged, give it proper space, and try to address it.

Yes, apologize for the crude phrasing. Of course, apologize for exaggerations and hurtful expressions. But don’t pretend nothing happened.

The Kernel Beneath the Anger

And what is that kernel?

Conscience doesn’t usually reveal it. Anger does.

Conscience tells us we went down the wrong path. Anger, however, can point us toward what needs attention. Anger is a symptom, not the core issue.

When you’re angry because of something she did or said, it feels as though the issue lies entirely in her action. But after you calm down, take a breath, maybe even sleep on it, you’ll often realize that your anger came from feelings her actions stirred within you.

Try this.

Instead of focusing on the act itself, focus on giving words to the feelings that arose from it.

“When you said or did that, it made me feel that I’m not important to you.”
“It made me feel dismissed.”
“It made me feel that we don’t see our roles in the same way.”

Whatever comes up honestly.

Don’t erase.

Erasing is dismissive. It invalidates the pain of the person standing across from you.

And it blocks the opportunity for real repair.

Good luck.

Pinchas Hirsch
Couple’s Counselor, M.F.C.