Between Effort and Intimacy: Why Giving Doesn’t Always Unite

“She just needs to agree to listen to me, stop being stubborn, and everything will be fine,” Rami complained.

“But you want things that aren’t appropriate, and you’re not even paying attention to me,” Dana shot back angrily.

“You don’t even give me a chance. You dismiss me immediately,” Rami replied.

“Because it doesn’t fit. I know exactly what’s appropriate and what isn’t,” Dana responded.

“I’m tired of being your servant. I think I made a mistake in my choice. We’re not compatible at all,” Rami said, turning to me.

“I think you’re mistaken,” I answered, “but not about your choice. Rather, about your understanding of what a relationship is.”

What Was Signed in the Ketubah

“Do you know what you signed in the ketubah?” I asked. “If you look at it from a simple business perspective, it truly seems unfair. In the business world, no one would ever sign such a contract. You are obligated to care for her, support her, bind yourself to her. But what about her? Where are her commitments? Why isn’t marriage structured like two partners building a business together, each contributing equally?”

“It really isn’t clear how we men always fall into this trap,” Rami responded.

“The sages understood that marriage is not an external bond like a business partnership,” I explained. “It is a connection with depth and layers. They understood the emotional structure of men and women. The emotional movement of men is expansion, while the emotional movement of women is boundary, containment, and reality.”

Has Anything Really Changed?

“Yes, but today things are different,” Rami interrupted. “Men and women don’t function emotionally the way they used to.”

“That’s not true,” I replied. “Culture may distort these dynamics, but the foundational emotional structures remain rooted in the physical reality of male and female.”

“The Torah gives us a fundamental principle for marriage in the Book of Genesis: ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.’”

Becoming One Flesh

“‘A man shall leave his father and mother’ means the man must detach from the desires and longings he brings from his parents’ home into marriage.

“‘And be joined to his wife’ means he must embrace and internalize her desires until they become part of him.

“‘And they shall become one flesh’ means that when her desires are absorbed within him, there is no longer inner conflict, and true unity can be formed.”

“Rami, if you truly understand and identify with this, you can turn this relationship into a chosen one. In marriage, the one who is required to demonstrate self-sacrifice is the man, not the woman.”

“The woman, by the very nature of her engagement in marriage, already lives a life of self-sacrifice. This is why the sages said, ‘His home is his wife.’ Not a physical house, but an internal, existential home that gives the man emotional and spiritual grounding.”

“Women naturally invest their lives in relationships. They risk their lives to bear children. Men are not born with this instinct. They must acquire it through effort.”

“But Look How Much I Do”

“I don’t understand why you think I’m not committed,” Rami protested. “Do you know how much I do for this house? Show me other men like me.”

“To understand the kind of self-sacrifice required of a man,” I said, “we need to understand desire.”

“Desire is a powerful force that directs emotional energy. It can awaken vitality or trigger avoidance and fear. Unlike pleasure, which is rooted in the soul, desire has no independent existence. It simply directs emotional forces toward a chosen goal.”

Pleasing Is Not Self-Sacrifice

“So what you’re saying is that I should just do everything she wants, even if I don’t want to?” Rami asked angrily.

“Absolutely not,” I replied. “That would be appeasement, not self-sacrifice.”

“Appeasement means fulfilling another person’s desires to avoid conflict, anger, or pressure. It creates suppressed anger inside you, and Dana doesn’t want that either. She doesn’t want a submissive man who complies outwardly while wanting something else inwardly.”

“Dana wants your desire to come from within you. That is also what the Torah expects from a man.”

“Self-sacrifice is not giving up action. It is giving up desire. When you replace your desire with your wife’s desire, you demonstrate true self-sacrifice in that moment.”

Replacing Desire Without Erasing Yourself

“But how can I do that?” Rami asked. “It sounds unreasonable. If I’m being true to myself, I don’t want what Dana wants. I’m not willing to erase myself.”

“Desire is external to the soul,” I explained. “Unlike emotion, it can be replaced without pain. When desire is replaced, the previous desire leaves no trace.”

“You can see this with a child. He wants candy. You suggest playing soccer, and instantly the candy is forgotten. One desire replaced another.”

“To do this successfully, you need a stronger, higher desire that is deeply connected to you, and you must strengthen it constantly.”

The Greater Desire

“That greater desire is your wish to build a harmonious home, a family you’re proud of, and to reveal the Shechinah between you.”

“Next to that desire, the smaller, conflicting desires lose their power. Not because they are unimportant, but because they pale in comparison.”

“You must awaken this larger desire, understand why it matters, and let it guide your actions.”

“But What About Her Mistakes?”

“Are you serious?” Rami asked. “Do you know how many mistakes my wife makes? Am I supposed to follow those too?”

“Her mistakes,” I answered, “are expressions of distress. They stem from the fact that she does not feel your commitment to unity and self-sacrifice.”

“You are focused on the branches. The work must be done at the root.”

“When you internalize her desires and she senses that your emotional forces are aligned with her, she will give you the strength to lead the home. That is how your strengths can be corrected and fulfilled.”