When Flaws Open Doors: The Journey from Perfection to Growth

When a couple like Leah and Asher comes to see me, I can usually sense that we are in for a challenging session.

They are a lovely couple, married for over twenty years.

There is a good atmosphere between them. Asher looks at Leah with loving eyes, showering her with compliments. When I ask why they came, Leah answers quietly, “Nothing specific happened. I just feel lonely and sad. I’m married, but I feel like I don’t really have a friend. He doesn’t understand what I want from him, he doesn’t feel me, and he never initiates anything.

“Everyone who knows him says, ‘What a gem of a husband you have. You’re so lucky.’ So why don’t I feel that? Why do I feel so alone?”

I turn to him. “And you, Asher, would you like to share what bothers you in this relationship?”

Asher smiles. “Nothing bothers me about her, really. To me, she’s perfect. Everything is fine. I don’t even understand why we’re here for therapy. Our marriage is good.”

The Pleasant Surface

Indeed, throughout the sessions, the atmosphere in the room is pleasant.

Asher is genuinely charming. He laughs easily, offers support, and creates a comfortable, friendly environment. For a while, even I struggled to pinpoint the problem. Eventually, it became clear. His charm, kindness, smiles, and compliments are not just personality traits. They are his defense mechanism.

This is why it is so difficult for Leah to confront him about her needs. Whenever she tries to express dissatisfaction, he responds with a joke or a compliment, and suddenly it becomes almost impossible to hold him accountable.

Yet Leah senses the truth. All the goodness he shows feels superficial. It lacks depth and inner presence.

The real goodness within him is buried so deeply that what remains is an illusion of connection, to the point that even he no longer recognizes it. And that is exactly how Leah feels. No matter how much she cries or how frustrated she becomes, she cannot reach him.

I say to him, “Asher, I see that you really love her. You compliment her, you buy her flowers. So why do you think she comes to you with complaints? Why is she so sad and desperate?”

He answers honestly, “I really don’t know. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I do everything she wants. I don’t understand why we even need this therapy.”

What Happens Beneath the Surface

There are two problems here.

The first is that everything important is happening beneath the surface. Leah feels that he is not truly with her, yet outwardly he performs acts of care and affection. From the outside, it looks like love. So why does she still feel alone?

Because she senses the inner place from which he operates. A place of appeasement. Asher is mainly occupied with himself and with the things he enjoys. Only when Leah asks for something or becomes upset does he turn toward her and try to please her. His actions are external, aimed at restoring calm so he can continue living as he chooses.

He does not truly see her. He does not intentionally look at her.

The second problem is more serious. It is the problem of choice.

Leah must first choose him as her husband. She must insist on the good within him and believe that, deep down, he wants to turn toward her. When she stops insisting and stops fighting for this belief, she effectively gives up on him. At that point, the problem only deepens.

I cannot guide Asher through change if Leah does not understand her role and her power in the process.

Insisting on the Good

Leah needs to fight for the good in him, not with anger or resentment, but with faith and genuine compassion, which is the heart of love. This means being persistent and steady in her belief that the goodness currently hidden within him can be revealed and strengthened.

Sometimes, a crisis is unavoidable. In truth, this relationship has been in crisis for a long time. It is simply a hidden crisis, beneath the surface.

Sometimes, something must break in order to build a real connection.

I turned to Asher and said, “Asher, it’s time for you to start being a real husband.”

He looked shocked. “What do you mean? I buy her what she asks for. What am I not doing for her? How can you say that?”

“I think you respond to her needs in a way that redirects the focus back to yourself,” I explained. “She is not truly at the top of your priority list. You lack genuine devotion to your wife. She needs to come before you.”

Asher suddenly looked miserable.

“What do I need to do? What am I doing wrong?” he asked, confused.

“It’s not a question of what you are doing wrong,” I said. “It’s a question of the mental place from which you are operating. You are reacting, not choosing. You are not fully present in the relationship. You are not choosing Leah as your wife.”

In despair, he said, “I don’t understand why I need this therapy. I’m fine. I hardly fight with her. I do everything for her. What needs to change?”

“You need devotion,” I replied. “You need genuine interest. You need to truly get to know her. What does she love? What does she need? What does she require from you?

“You must shift from worrying about your own needs to placing her at the top of your priorities, before yourself. That is the transformation. Becoming a partnered person requires sacrifice. It is difficult, but it is the way. You must choose.”

The Power of Belief

Then I turned to Leah.

“And from you, Leah, I ask one thing. Understand that change begins with belief. If you believe in the good, the good can be revealed. No matter how hidden it seems, no matter how far it feels from what you see now, you must believe in Asher. Believe that he can become a devoted husband, worthy of your love, provided that he chooses you and commits to the relationship.

“Right now, the one holding him back is you. Stop saying, ‘He can’t.’ He can. If he chooses to, he can become everything you long for. You must give him real trust.

“Understand this. It is always better to have a husband with flaws who is willing to change and grow than a ‘perfect’ husband who is stuck in place.”

Blessings and success,

Hannah Dayan