When Caring Turns Controlling: A Hidden Relationship Trap

This time, I will begin with an unusual encounter that took place during the holiday of Purim.

A Jewish man approached me and said sharply, “You should know that I have forbidden my wife to listen to your ideas. And you should also know that if you had lived in the time of Achashverosh, you would have found yourself hanging from a tree fifty cubits high.”

I listened, unsure whether he was joking or completely serious. Should I laugh, or should I be alarmed? Instead, I simply asked, “What do you mean, sir?”

A Purim Accusation

He continued without hesitation. “My wife and I listen to your teachings. Once, you told a story about a woman who was torn over whether to get a driver’s license. It was important to her husband, but her mother strongly opposed it. Instead of telling her one simple thing, ‘What is a righteous woman? She does the will of her husband,’ you started talking about her feelings, her inner voice, what she wants. You are teaching women to despise their husbands.”

Then he added, “Achashverosh sent letters declaring that every man should rule in his own home, and you are violating that command. He would have hanged you on the spot. And the Torah itself says, ‘and he shall rule over you.’ That is why my wife will no longer listen to you.” With that, he turned and walked away.

An interesting encounter, wouldn’t you say?

And with that, our story truly begins.

The Lesson of Distinction

At the time, I was teaching a class about the concept of distinction.

To introduce the topic, I gave the students an exercise. I asked them, “If I were a magician, what kind of magic would you want me to perform to improve your life?”

They reflected and began to share.

One said, “If only my wife would stop getting angry with the children all day, my life would change.”

Another said, “If you could magically make my wife stop being obsessed with cleanliness, I would finally be happy.”

A third spoke about his eldest son, who dominates the house, gets angry easily, fights with his siblings, and argues constantly with his parents. “If only you could change him, our lives would be much easier.”

Each answer followed the same pattern.

Afterward, I explained the idea of distinction. The more we understand that we can only manage ourselves, our choices, our emotions, and our actions, and that we have no control over others, the more peaceful our lives become.

I added that many couples come to counseling with a hidden goal. The woman wants me to change her husband, and the man wants me to change his wife.

“This Is Obvious”

At the end of the lesson, one student approached me and said, “I don’t understand what you taught us today. These things are obvious.”

Interestingly, this was the same student who had earlier wished for magic to change his wife. I chose not to respond.

The next day, I taught the same lesson to the women’s class and asked them the same question. If I were a magician, what kind of magic would make your life happier?

I was curious to hear the answer of that man’s wife.

She did not disappoint.

“If only you could change my husband so he would stop trying to change me,” she said.

She was right. He was trying to change her, and it hurt her deeply. But at the same time, she was entirely focused on changing him so that he would stop changing her.

This is precisely where the concept of distinction becomes essential.

The more we understand that we are responsible only for ourselves, the calmer and clearer life becomes.

Control and Pleasing

As I examined the dynamics between these couples, a clear pattern emerged.

In the relationship, the woman takes on the role of the controller, while the man becomes the pleaser.

She feels safe only when she is in control of her husband, her children, her neighbors, even her sisters in law. Control gives her a sense of security.

Her husband, on the other hand, protects himself through pleasing. When she is dissatisfied, he feels unwanted and unloved, and so he tries to calm her by yielding and complying.

Ironically, it is he who strengthens her controlling behavior. By managing her emotions, he controls her from below.

Returning to the concept of distinction, this is a complete emotional entanglement. Each partner tries to feel safe by managing the other.

A Practical Example

I gave the students a simple example involving parents and children.

A mother wants her children to put their clothes in the laundry basket instead of leaving them on the floor. The less distinct she is, the more she will argue, explain, plead, yell, and punish until they comply.

The more distinct she is, the more she focuses on managing herself.

She tells the children calmly that she only washes clothes that are placed in the laundry basket. Clothes left elsewhere will remain unwashed. Not out of anger or punishment, but because those are the house rules.

When a child goes to school wearing unwashed clothes, he learns responsibility. No arguments are needed.

In this way, everyone learns to take ownership of their actions.

Returning to the Purim Claim

This brings us back to the man who confronted me on Purim and quoted the verse, “and he shall rule over you.”

Notice carefully. The Torah does not say, “and you shall rule over her.” It does not command men to rule their wives.

Rather, it speaks to women and describes a trait, a tendency toward submission.

Understanding this distinction changes everything.

Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger is a counselor and the founder of a school for training marriage counselors.