When Masculinity Disappears: The Cost of Constant Pleasing

“When I don’t do what she wants, she complains. When I do everything she asks, she still finds something to criticize. What am I missing?” Abraham asked in frustration.

“I don’t feel like you’re a man,” Sarah said quietly. “I can’t even explain it clearly. I just feel that you’re behaving in a way that doesn’t feel masculine to me.”

“What does she want from me?” Abraham turned to me. “Should I start going out drinking beer or watching soccer games? I honestly don’t understand what she means.”

What Masculinity Really Means

“I don’t think the word ‘man’ is precise enough,” I said. “Let’s go a little deeper.”

“According to traditional Jewish wisdom, and also reflected in biological structure, a central movement of the male psyche is outward direction. Expansion, influence, impact, and conquest.”

“When you, Abraham, entered marriage, you made an unspoken commitment. You redirected those outward energies toward one woman and one home.”

“Sarah, by her nature as a woman, builds the home. She is the foundation where the deepest processes of connection take place. She gives herself fully from the beginning, not because she is trying, but because that is her natural inner movement. This is also why only a woman can give birth.”

“Men also have movements of self-sacrifice, but they tend to express them outwardly, often through personal projects, achievements, or goals that originate from a place of self focus.”

Self-Sacrifice as Masculinity

“In the broader meaning of marriage, a man commits to redirecting his emotional energy away from personal desire and toward the needs of the home and his wife. A man’s masculinity is expressed precisely through this self-sacrifice. Only in this way can a clear and unobstructed channel open between him, his wife, and the home they are building together.”

“It irritates me to hear this,” Abraham said sharply. “Who decided she’s always right?”

“Neither of you is automatically right,” I answered. “You both need to agree on the direction of your relationship. Think of it like a shared navigation system. If you don’t agree on the destination, every turn becomes a fight.”

“Abraham, there are two primary paths through which your self-sacrifice can be expressed.”

The First Path: Shared Desire

“The first path is shared desire. Because your wife is deeply invested in the home and the children, you are asked to trust her. To loosen your grip on your own preferences and allow her desires to become yours.”

“So what’s the problem?” Abraham asked. “I already do everything she wants.”

“That’s exactly the issue,” I replied. “You are pleasing her, not sharing her desire.”

“Pleasing is not self-sacrifice. Pleasing means doing something in order to gain something back, even if it’s only peace or approval.”

“To truly share desire, you must engage in honest inner work. You need to connect to what she wants from a place of trust. The more you trust her, the less effort this will require. It will begin to feel natural.”

“When you are merely pleasing, she feels it immediately. She senses that your actions are not coming from trust or devotion. And paradoxically, she experiences this as exploitation, even though you are the one doing everything.”

“She feels exploited?” Abraham protested. “I’m the one being taken advantage of.”

When Pleasing Turns Into Resentment

“Pleasing builds resentment,” I said. “You find yourself doing things against your will, feeling used, becoming angry. That anger creates distance, estrangement, and emotional separation between you.”

“So what are you saying?” he asked. “That I should blindly follow everything she wants? What if her desires lead us into financial trouble? Should I just go along with it?”

“When a woman acts from that place, it means she is disconnected from her healthy role in building the home and is driven by personal needs that require attention,” I explained. “This is where your second path of self-sacrifice comes in.”

The Second Path: Standing Firm

“Your role then is not to comply, but to guide her back. To stand firmly and help her reconnect to her natural and constructive place.”

“I’ve tried that,” Abraham said. “She yells, and then she won’t speak to me for two days. I can’t take it.”

“And this,” I answered, “is where your deepest self-sacrifice is revealed. To stand in front of her anger without collapsing, without withdrawing, without breaking.”

Restoring Direction and Joy

“When you learn to move correctly between these two paths, sharing desire and standing firm, your emotional energy becomes fully directed toward your wife and the home.”

“She will feel that you are truly present, truly expressed, and truly committed. And when that happens, joy can return to the home.”