The Heart Is Already Split: Learning to Hold Love and Anger Together

Most of the time, we live in constant motion, without stopping to think.

And when we do stop to think, our thoughts are usually practical. How do we solve this problem? How do we move forward in the right way?

Rarely do we pause simply to feel the past.

Not in order to fix anything. Not to reach a conclusion. Just to look back and notice what stirs inside us.

Sometimes it happens unexpectedly. At a golden anniversary, when grandchildren prepare a presentation and a slideshow of life appears on the screen. Suddenly, years pass before your eyes, and something softens in the heart.

Why Looking Back Feels So Hard

This is why couples often resist when a counselor asks them to look back.

Why, they ask. Isn’t it enough that we are already arguing? Now we also need to revisit everything that was and feel bad about it?

If we look closely at this resistance, we discover something important. It is difficult to hold a full picture of the relationship when we are emotionally flooded.

There is a well known phenomenon called erasing positive files.

In the heat of anger, the person in front of us feels like the worst version of themselves. In that state, it is almost embarrassing to remember the love we once gave them, the moments of openness, the deep sharing that truly existed. Remembering how much good they once brought into our hearts unsettles us. It weakens the sharpness of our anger, and the facts no longer line up neatly with the story we are telling ourselves in the midst of the conflict.

“This is not the time,” we say.

And we are right.

Timing Matters

It is not the time when emotions are burning.

But after a few moments, or a few days, when things cool slightly, it becomes possible. And not only possible, but necessary.

This is not about bribing the heart into forgiveness. It is something much deeper.

It is like the splitting of the sea for the heart. A moment that allows us to return to reality itself, without unnecessary intensity, and without sacrificing what is most precious within our anger.

Your mind may feel torn in two, but your heart has been holding this split for a long time already.

The Heart Can Hold Contradictions

You love deeply.
You feel longing and closeness.
And at the same time, you feel hurt, anger, frustration, and fear.

The heart has space for all of it. It can divide itself into as many chambers as needed.

The mind, however, prefers simplicity. It wants to focus on one point at a time, one narrative, one truth.

But the mind can learn.

You can tell it that the heart is already divided. The mind will become curious. It will ask questions. It will investigate. And slowly, it will discover that love and anger coexist. That warmth and pain live side by side.

Then the picture becomes slightly fuller.

How full? That depends on how much you are willing to see.

Choosing Where to Stand

As you walk among the trees of memory, you may notice that on one side there is love, and on the other, burning anger.

You can choose where to stand.

You can draw warmth from the side of love instead of freezing in the cold fire of resentment. From that place, it becomes possible to speak about what hurts with respect, appreciation, and awareness of the miracle the other person has created within you.

Sometimes, you can even invite the other person to cross this sea with you.

When they believe you see only their faults, that you are blind to the good they brought, they will stay on the shore. They will retreat into silence, defensiveness, or victimhood, which can feel very safe when faced with someone burning with anger.

Your heart is already torn.

Acknowledge it.

And you may begin to see small miracles unfold.

Pinchas Hirsch
Couples Counselor, M.F.C.