Understanding Fear and Anxiety: Why They Develop and How to Overcome Them

I am 42 years old, married, and a mother of seven children. I suffer from “searching for fears.” Right now, it is fear of hell. This fear sometimes causes me insomnia, loss of appetite, and even difficulty breathing. In my opinion, the reason for these fears is that I search for fears against my will. Sometimes they are worries about my children’s marriages, sometimes social issues, and sometimes fears of strict people, and the like. Sometimes it is a search for transgressions I have done, or that I imagine I have done, or that I might do. I am convinced that this “searching for fears” is a problem of physical weakness or weakness of the nervous system.

I am trying to understand what my physical problem is and find a cure. I heard it might be connected to a thyroid problem. I would be very grateful if you would write about this.

Thank you,
Penina

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I am married, about 23 years old, and I am dealing with a rather “childish” problem: fear of cockroaches. The fear and anxiety reach the level of hysteria, helplessness, trembling, paleness, and it is hard for me to calm down after seeing a cockroach. Of course the fear is not logical, but it causes a lot of anxiety and therefore frustration. I would really appreciate your help.

Sincerely,
Tova

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Fear is a feeling that visits every person in certain situations: a mother worries about a child who is late coming home and becomes afraid something happened, a student is anxious about test results, a child is afraid of the dark, a lecturer feels anxious before beginning a talk, and anyone can feel anxious when the elevator they are in suddenly stops between floors.

In all of these situations, a similar feeling arises, although it differs in intensity and sometimes in quality. The experience is anxiety, restlessness, loss of control, and panic. The physical responses include increased heart rate, sweating in the hands and feet, rapid breathing, and a rise in blood pressure.

Why Fear Exists

Fear originally shows up to protect us. It serves as a warning signal that danger may exist and motivates us to respond appropriately: seeing a doctor when we do not feel well, preparing for a lecture or exam, not getting too close to a cliff edge, gathering detailed information before making a financial investment, and so on. These are helpful anxieties and they can raise our level of functioning.

When Anxiety Becomes Harmful

Anxiety becomes unhelpful when, instead of improving functioning, it becomes an obstacle. For example: a student becomes so anxious during an exam that he cannot write what he studied, or someone becomes so anxious at work that she hesitates endlessly and even stutters, blushes, and loses confidence.

Sometimes a habit of exaggerated fear develops after an intense frightening experience. If a person witnessed an accident or went through something terrifying, situations that remind him of it may trigger the same response. Unpleasant experiences that recur, such as repeated dizziness or feelings of weakness, can also create anxiety about their return. The same applies to intense fear of animals, and even fear of a cockroach.

How Irrational Fears Develop: Learning Theory

Learning theory explains irrational fears as a physiological and emotional response to a frightening event. If a person gets stuck in an elevator, for example, or witnesses a severe accident, physical reactions occur in that moment: increased heart rate, sweating, and muscle tension. The person experiences a strong fear response, which can later return in similar situations.

Fear Can “Spread” (Generalization)

Sometimes fear generalizes into broader areas. If a person learns to respond with fear to one specific event, he may respond similarly to related events. If he witnessed a bus accident, he may later fear not only buses but other vehicles, busy streets, and may even become afraid to leave home (agoraphobia). This is how a fear habit can form.

Medical Checks That May Be Worth Doing

Regarding you, Penina, it is definitely recommended to check thyroid function, because overactive thyroid activity can create or intensify anxiety. It is also recommended to check other hormonal functioning. Organic (physiological) anxiety tends to be ongoing, and learning does not necessarily influence it.

Still, it seems to me that you are not truly “searching for fears,” but rather that you have developed a fear habit that shifts from topic to topic and from issue to issue. A person may live with ongoing anxiety connected to specific situations, but sometimes the anxiety is more general and not tied to a single trigger, which is often referred to as generalized anxiety.

Obsessive Thoughts and Compulsive Behaviors

Regarding the disturbing thoughts about transgressions and similar topics, these are obsessive, intrusive thoughts that return against a person’s will, despite every effort to remove them. Such thoughts may revolve around illness, harming others, violating a social rule, or committing a sin.

There are also compulsive rituals which are repeated actions performed again and again. Even though a person knows they are unreasonable, he cannot stop himself. This would include repeated handwashing, repeated laundering, repeatedly checking whether the gas knob is closed, and so on.

Obsessive-compulsive difficulties appear with similar frequency in men and women, generally unlike phobias which are more common among women. These challenges usually appear between the ages of 16–40, but they can occur at any age. They are more common (though not always) among perfectionistic people who demand perfection from themselves and from others.

Treatment Options

Medication Support (When Suffering Is Severe)

In cases of severe generalized anxiety, or specific phobias and OCD-type symptoms, when suffering is significant, it may be worthwhile to use calming medication after consulting a doctor. This can reduce anxiety enough to make other treatment methods more effective. Certain Bach flower remedies may also ease anxiety for some people.

The Goal Is Not “No Fear”

It is important to remember that fear is a normal emotion and can be helpful in reasonable amounts. It can motivate us to take care of ourselves, prepare properly, and act responsibly. The goal is not a life without anxiety, but a life with manageable anxiety that helps rather than harms.

Some say what matters is not the fear itself, but what you do with it, and suggest turning anxiety from an “enemy” into an “ally.”

Sharing Fear Helps

One way to cope with fear is to share it with someone close: “If there is worry in a man’s heart, let him speak it.” Simply sharing with a trusted person can help you see things differently. Fear that stays buried inside can grow stronger and become disproportionate. When a person shares fears, they often discover they are not alone, and that fear is a human experience.

When You Need Professional Help

Some fears are paralyzing and require professional support. Still, it is important not to expect miracles, as though a professional will “solve” the problem for us. The main coping work is ultimately ours. Improvement is gradual and slow, often over weeks, and sometimes months.

Behavioral Therapy: Exposure

Modern fear treatment often focuses on behavioral therapy: teaching coping skills for anxiety-provoking situations until anxiety decreases to a reasonable level.

Gradual Exposure

One method is gradual exposure: slowly exposing the person to the feared trigger until they become accustomed to it. When a person confronts fear and stays exposed long enough, anxiety begins to drop.

How long is “long enough”? There is no single answer. For some people, a few minutes may be enough, especially if the phobia is new and motivation is high. In other cases, it may take longer. What matters is continuing until anxiety begins to decrease.

Why Avoidance Makes Fear Stronger

Avoiding a frightening situation may bring temporary relief, but it increases the likelihood of future avoidance. Over time, the fear grows stronger. That is why it is usually better to face feared situations than to avoid them.

Practical Exposure: A Journal System

In some treatments, the patient is asked to expose themselves daily to the feared situation and record actions and feelings in a journal, which they then bring to the therapist weekly. Each week, new goals are set.

For example, a person with agoraphobia might begin by stepping outside for a short time, then gradually walking farther, then eventually taking short rides on public transportation — thereby building tolerance step by step.

Different Styles of Exposure

Desensitization (Gradual, Often with Imagination)

Sometimes exposure is slow and gradual, referred to as desensitization. It can begin through imagination where the patient imagines approaching the feared situation for a few seconds while staying calm, often after relaxation breathing. They start with easier scenarios and gradually move toward harder ones. Then they practice in real life.

Flooding (Jumping In)

Another method is flooding: imagining (and later facing) the most difficult scenario quickly and for a long period, such as one to two hours, without breaks.

Paradoxical Intention

A related technique is paradoxical intention: the person tries to intensify the fear deliberately. For example, someone afraid of a heart attack may be told to try to increase their heartbeat as much as possible — often discovering, “I want to, but I can’t.” This can help break the fear cycle. It is also sometimes used for insomnia, by trying deliberately to stay awake, which reduces pressure and helps sleep come naturally.

Anxiety as a Signal

Gestalt theory views anxiety as a disturbance created when a person’s true needs are not met — such as the need for self-fulfillment. The more strengths, desires, and needs we have that are not being expressed, the more anxiety may grow. In this way, anxiety can serve as a signal urging us to pay attention to our inner self.

To anyone living with anxiety, the key question is whether you feel you can “live with the fear,” meaning: functioning well, using your strengths, and feeling a reasonable level of calm. If not, it is worth turning to a professional who can help you loosen the grip of overwhelming anxiety. We were not born to suffer. We harm ourselves and others when we accept suffering, get used to it, and prevent our inner strengths from emerging.

Through self-awareness, we can look inward, discover what is hidden within us, break through barriers, and give expression to our true inner powers.

May it be fulfilled in us: “He laughs at fear and is not dismayed.” (Iyov 39:22)

Henia Luberbaum is a clinical social worker and therapist, and director of a therapeutic center.