Choosing Wisdom Over Being Right: A Guide for Couples

Often, couples, even those who view their relationship as strong and stable, experience conflicts. Disagreements, arguments, and at times even fights are a natural part of shared life. In essence, almost every conflict can be repaired. The difficulty arises when one partner is convinced that they acted correctly and feels justified, even after understanding how painful the situation became for both sides.

When Being Right Blocks Repair

One example of an unresolved conflict driven by the need to be right involves Tzvi and Penina, whose names have been changed.

They had made meaningful progress in their counseling process. Occasionally they arrived tense or distant, but during one particular session, they entered completely disconnected. I had never seen them like this before.

“I thought I was married to a woman who appreciates it when her husband does things for her,” Tzvi said when I asked how they were doing. “Especially something like this.”

Penina responded without even looking at him. “This is how you do something for me? After how you made me feel on Monday, I don’t think I’ll forget it anytime soon. Maybe ever.”

As we explored what had happened, something striking emerged. Tzvi was entirely convinced that his behavior had been exemplary. In his mind, his wife should have admired him for it. Instead, she reacted with deep pain and anger.

What went wrong?

The Moment That Changed Everything

The argument began around a sensitive topic from their past. As the discussion intensified, the tone shifted from respectful to sharp and hurtful. Tzvi felt the situation was spiraling out of control. Fearing it would escalate beyond repair, he decided to leave the house without saying a word.

His reasoning was logical. “If I stay for another ten seconds, this will explode.”

Was he right? Yes.
Was it wise? No.

Tzvi was correct in wanting to stop the argument before it caused irreversible damage. But the way he acted created a deeper wound. Penina was left alone in the heat of emotional turmoil. The feeling of abandonment she experienced was far worse than the argument itself.

While Tzvi assumed his wife would calm down in his absence, he returned to find her in a much more distressed state. Her thoughts had spiraled. In her experience, he had abandoned her at her most vulnerable moment, confirming her deepest fear that she did not truly matter to him.

What Could Have Been Done Differently

In moments like these, the key is not withdrawal, but communication.

Instead of leaving abruptly, Tzvi could have said something like:

“My wife, it hurts me to see us fight and damage our connection. I suggest that I step outside for a few minutes so we can both calm down, and then we continue this conversation from a better place. What do you think?”

Those few words could have preserved the sense of connection, even in the middle of conflict.

Choosing Connection Over Being Right

Many people are deeply hurt in relationships not because of what happened, but because one partner clings to being right as a principle they refuse to release. When the need to justify oneself takes precedence, dialogue shuts down and wounds remain open.

In emotionally charged situations, wisdom lies in stepping beyond the narrow frame of right and wrong. When we choose to protect the relationship instead of defending our position, we create space for healing.

The question is not who was right, but whether the bond matters enough to be handled with care.