You’re Right, But She’s Hurting: Why Facts Fail in Marriage

“I’m tired of hearing the same record again and again,” Shmuel complained.

“What does she play for you?” I asked.

“That’s it. There’s no choice. We have to get divorced. I’m desperate. You don’t care about anything in this house. You have a heart of stone. You’re thick skinned. You only care about yourself. How long can I keep expecting you to change when you always return to your insensitivity?” he listed, exhausted. “And it goes on and on.”

“And what do you say to her when she plays this record?” I asked.

“At first, I reacted. I told her she was wrong. I proved it again and again. Factually, scientifically, empirically, even halachically. I brought evidence and witnesses. I showed her, beyond any doubt, that she was mistaken."

“It never helped."

“Today, when I hear this record, it’s just noise. I’m tired of it. I stop reacting. I drop the curtain. I disconnect. I already know the script by heart. Nothing surprises me anymore,” Shmuel said.

Two Layers in Every Complaint

“In what Orna is saying to you, there are two layers,” I explained.

“The external layer is the factual content.
The internal layer is the emotional one, expressing an unmet emotional need."

“It’s like watching a movie in a foreign language. To truly understand it, you have to read the subtitles and listen to the music, not only watch the scene on the screen.”

“I don’t understand,” he said. “Can you give me an example?”

“When she says, ‘You don’t care about anything in this house,’ the factual claim is that you are not taking actions that show care."

“But emotionally, what she is saying is something very different: ‘I feel alone with the responsibility. I feel unseen. I feel unappreciated.’”

“And when she says that, what do you usually answer?” I asked.

“It infuriates me. How can she say I don’t care? Show me one husband among my friends who does even a tenth of what I do. I’ve proven her wrong a million times. You can’t argue with facts. It’s black on white.”

“True,” I said. “Factually, you may be right. Did it calm her down?”

“Not only does it not help,” he replied, “it makes her angrier.”

“That’s because the real issue is the inner layer,” I explained. “She’s not asking for a verdict. She’s asking for acknowledgment.”

What She Feels When You Prove Her Wrong

I turned to Orna. “When he responds like he’s in court and proves that you’re factually wrong, how do you feel?”

“It enrages me,” she said, anger mixed with sadness. “It’s frustrating and discouraging. He just doesn’t understand me.”

“Shmuel,” I said, “she is inviting you into a real encounter. It feels like a battle, but what she truly wants is closeness. The facts are only the vehicle for the emotion."

“When you defend yourself and explain how she is mistaken, she feels that you are dismissing her emotional world. She feels unseen. So she raises the emotional intensity, hoping that maybe this time you’ll finally understand."

“The irony is that the louder it gets, the more you shut down.”

“So teach me,” he said quietly. “I need something practical.”

The Gift Inside the Box

“Imagine she gives you a gift inside a box,” I said.
“The box is the facts. The gift inside is her emotional world."

“To reach the gift, ask yourself one simple question: What is she feeling?"

“Respond to the feeling, not to the facts. The facts are only the wrapping.

There is a deep secret here.

"When you defend yourself and argue about who is right and who is wrong, you are operating from ego, from a need to justify your place in the relationship. That is where disconnection is created.?

This is not a courtroom.

When she is hurting, she needs acknowledgment of where she is. When that happens, connection is formed. Only then can you discover her real emotional need."

“So what is her emotional need when she says I don’t care about anything in the house?” Shmuel asked.

“If she feels lonely and unappreciated,” I answered, “then what she needs is to feel loved, seen, and valued. And when you respond from that place, you finally give her what she was asking for all along.”