Finding Freedom Within Boundaries: A Deep Dive into Relationships

“I feel so lonely, and I’m so emotionally charged that I’m afraid to start talking,” Shlomit said quietly.
“If I start talking, everything will erupt. I’ll cry, I’ll shout, and I don’t even know what else might happen.”

“Maybe you’ll throw something at me too?” Chaim interrupted.

“Chaim, enough already,” she snapped.

“Are you talking about prisoner number 465?” he asked sarcastically.

“Do you understand what I’m saying?” Shlomit turned to me. “This house feels like a prison, and I’m the guard.”

“That’s honestly how it feels. Prisoners in Maasiyahu have more freedom than I do. All day long it’s ‘Don’t hang out with those friends, I can’t stand them,’ ‘When are you coming back from work?’ ‘Stop on the way and buy oil.’ Take this, go there, and it never ends. At least in prison they reduce your sentence for good behavior. Here it’s always more, more, more.”

Two People Trapped in Different Ways

“Chaim,” I said, “you deserve to live in a home where you feel free, where no one controls you like that. And you, Shlomit, deserve to live with a partner who understands you, without this unbearable loneliness.”

“But first, let’s try to understand where each of you feels helpless, trapped, and unable to break free.”

“Shlomit, it sounds like you are enslaved to your anger. It doesn’t allow you to choose life. And Chaim, you seem enslaved to fear. Your fear creates an endless pattern of pleasing.”

“Maybe it’s time for both of you to seek freedom,” I added.

“How can you even put us in the same sentence?” Shlomit protested. “It’s obvious who’s in the wrong here.”

“Let’s set blame aside for a moment,” I said. “Instead, let’s look at the conscious place from which each of you acts in this relationship. That’s where the root lies.”

The Illusion of Freedom

“People naturally long for freedom,” I continued. “Chaim, you’re seeking freedom from the demands and restrictions of the relationship. Shlomit, you’re seeking freedom from the emotions Chaim awakens in you.”

“But here is the great secret,” I said. “Freedom without boundaries is one of the greatest sources of human suffering.”

“Look at lottery winners. Look at celebrities who can buy and do anything they want. They have complete freedom, and yet many report depression and inner suffocation. How is that possible?”

“Look at children whose parents give them everything they want and allow them to express every emotion freely. Instead of peace, they become restless, anxious, and trapped.”

“This is false freedom. It is freedom without consciousness.”

Freedom Through Boundaries

“According to Kabbalah, emotions and insights are called ‘lights.’ In order to be expressed in a healthy way, they must be directed into a vessel that contains and limits them.”

“True freedom comes through boundaries that involve carrying responsibility and burden. This must be understood deeply so it isn’t distorted. Our sages say, ‘A servant of Hashem is truly free.’”

“Chaim, when you choose this relationship, not out of fear or interest, but because you choose it, you experience liberation. Any attempt to chase freedom directly is the greatest illusion.”

“But I want to be free,” Chaim objected. “Are you saying that to be free I need to be a servant? Isn’t that a contradiction?”

What the Soul Is Built For

“Our souls are built to contain opposites,” I explained. “On one hand, we live in limited bodies. On the other, the soul longs for infinity. There is an inherent inner tension.”

“The soul must be devoted to something. Every attempt to escape devotion leads to enslavement to something lower: ego, honor, desire, fear, anger.”

“To escape those tyrants, we must choose devotion to something higher.”

“Shlomit,” I continued, “you’ve been fighting your anger for a long time. Again and again it overpowers you.”

“Uncontained emotions are deeply damaging, emotionally and physically. Emotions must be guided, narrowed, and governed by thought.”

Choosing the Highest Vessel

“So how do I know what I should devote myself to?” Chaim asked.

“There’s a simple rule,” I said. “The narrower the vessel, the more limited your soul becomes. The widest vessel possible is devotion to Hashem, who is infinite.”

“All other forms of enslavement, anger, fear, shopping, food, desire, are intermediate and limiting. The Creator does not want you to be servants of servants.”

“The highest freedom is found in devotion to something infinite.”

“And now let’s bring this back to daily life. The broadest practical vessel for channeling immense emotional and spiritual forces is marriage. Our sages say that when a couple is worthy, the Divine Presence rests between them.”

“When I choose devotion to Hashem, I also choose devotion to the marriage and home built under His framework.”

From Burden to Choice

“Within this consciousness, peace emerges. My energies are focused, not scattered. I know where I am investing my strength.”

“The essential work after choosing is focus. Guarding the mind. Governing the heart. Moving from a narrow consciousness to a broad one.”

“Each time a person transforms burden into choice, freedom appears. And with it, joy.”

“I’ll be honest,” Chaim said. “This burden suffocates me.”

“Because you haven’t chosen it,” I replied. “When you connect to the meaning of bringing joy to your wife and protecting your children, the burden turns into pleasure, and the urge to escape disappears.”

“So is this what true freedom is?” Shlomit asked.

Redefining Independence

“The word ‘independence’ doesn’t appear in the Torah,” I said. “It’s a modern term. In the soul, absolute independence doesn’t exist.”

“The root of independence is ‘selfness,’ connection to a deep inner point. And that connection requires belonging.”

“Chaim, you will serve something regardless. The question is what. Imagined freedom, or something greater than you.”

“Choosing devotion to something higher is deeply liberating. Only then does marriage become a source of fulfillment rather than exhaustion.”

“And the same applies to parenting,” I added. “But that’s a conversation for another time.”