Why Conflict Isn’t the Problem: A Rabbinic Perspective on Relationships

This week I want to share something fascinating that unfolded during a group process between two friends. As always, identifying details have been changed.

I was explaining to the group the concept of conflict, what happens when two people think differently, feel differently, and want different things.

Conflicts, I explained, are not a flaw in relationships. They are an inseparable part of life, especially marriage. In fact, when a couple claims they never have conflicts, it raises a question. How can two distinct individuals, each with their own emotional and physical needs, live together without disagreement? Conflict is often a sign that there are truly two people present, neither erasing themselves nor overpowering the other.

Where Conflict Begins

To clarify the idea, I invited the group to think back to childhood. Was there anyone who never clashed with their parents? Anyone who never felt frustrated when they wanted something their parents would not allow? Almost certainly not.

At that point, one of the participants, let’s call him Nahum, spoke up with confidence.

“For twenty years I grew up with my parents, and everything was smooth. Whatever they said, I did. I never argued. I used to see other kids fighting with their parents, and I didn’t understand it. Parents know what’s right. Period.

“Even today, I’m thirty nine, married for nearly seventeen years, and life is sweet. I live by the principle of honoring my wife more than myself. Whatever she wants, I do immediately. She’s wise, she understands life, and I trust her completely. I don’t understand why conflicts are necessary at all. The Torah commands us to honor our wives, so where is there room for two opinions?”

When Calm Sounds Suspicious

At this point, another participant, Neria, responded sharply.

“Then why are you even studying couples counseling? Just tell every couple to listen to their wives, and problem solved.”

I stayed silent, letting the exchange develop.

“I actually believe that,” Nahum replied calmly. “Why complicate things?”

“So why are you here?” Neria pressed.

“To be honest,” Nahum said, “my wife suggested it. She thought it would enrich me.”

“And why?” Neria asked. “What’s missing, if everything is so perfect?”

“I don’t know,” Nahum admitted. “She’s a good woman, but she keeps saying something is missing.”

When Someone Else’s Story Touches a Nerve

At first glance, this dialogue seems to belong only to Nahum and his marriage. But there was something else happening beneath the surface.

Nahum’s words stirred something deep in Neria. Instead of speaking about his own inner world, Neria entered Nahum’s world, challenging, questioning, pressing. This often happens when someone else’s story touches a sensitive place inside us.

I paused the discussion and asked both of them whether they were willing to explore what this conversation awakened within themselves.

They agreed.

Neria and the Fear of Disagreement

As we explored further, it became clear that conflict touched Neria at a painful point of helplessness.

In the past, Neria was extremely accommodating. He could not tolerate disagreement. He feared that if conflict arose, his wife would dominate, and he would feel controlled and humiliated. So whenever a potential disagreement appeared, he immediately shifted topics. Emotionally, he numbed himself. He did not feel, did not know, did not protest.

What his wife said became sacred. The main thing was to avoid conflict.

But over time, Neria began a process of self connection. He started recognizing his own needs, desires, and aspirations. Naturally, he stopped backing down so quickly. Suddenly, there were two voices in the home, and with them, conflicts.

Now he stood at a crossroads. If conflict is not something to escape, what do you do with it?

The Fear Is Not Conflict Itself

This led us to a deeper insight.

Our real fear is not conflict but the fear of staying inside it.

When conflict arises, we usually respond in one of three ways. We accommodate. We control. Or we disconnect. Either I disappear, you disappear, or we retreat into separate worlds.

Why do we react so quickly? Because we are terrified of remaining present in the tension.

Yet the difficulty is not the disagreement itself. It is our fear of encountering ourselves within it.

As Neria continues developing his inner world, he will slowly find that conflict becomes less threatening. He will no longer need to flee from it.

Nahum and the Fear of Existing

Then we turned to Nahum.

Unlike Neria, Nahum had almost no sense of self at all. He even enrolled in this program because his wife wanted him to.

When we explored his childhood, everything became clear.

Nahum grew up amid a painful divorce. His parents’ home was filled with anger, tension, and unspoken hostility. Any word could ignite legal battles. Silence was safer than expression.

In that environment, Nahum learned a powerful survival strategy. Do not exist. Do not want. Do not need. A child without needs is a blessing in a chaotic home.

And so Nahum grew up minimizing himself. Calm was worth more than joy. Peace was worth more than desire.

Naturally, he carried this pattern into marriage. He devoted himself to pleasing his wife. But she was not satisfied. She wanted to feel a presence, a strength, a partner who existed, not someone who erased himself for the sake of quiet.

Two Paths, One Question

Nahum felt lost. He was doing everything “right.” So why was it not working?

As I often say, I do not provide answers. The deepest answers come from within.

I reflected back to both of them.

“Neria, you are learning to stand for yourself, and conflict scares you. Nahum, you are afraid to exist, and pleasing feels safer than presence. Each of you developed a defense to survive fear. And here, in this group, those defenses met.”

This meeting was not accidental. It opened a doorway for each of them to explore their inner world.

And that exploration, slow, honest, and courageous, is where real change begins.

Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger is a counselor and founder of a school for training couples counselors.