When Support Is Demanded: Why Care Stops Feeling Real

This week, I want to share the story of a couple, Shimon and Naama. As always, identifying details have been changed.

One day, Shimon called me, clearly upset.

“Tomorrow my wife and I won’t be coming to the session. We’ve decided to end the process.”

“What happened?” I asked.

“It’s not important,” Shimon replied curtly. “We made our decision. That’s it.”

“Listen,” I said calmly, “it’s okay if you want to stop, but it’s important to have a proper closing session.”

After a brief pause, Shimon agreed.

When Support Feels Absent

The next day, they arrived at my office. The moment they walked in, I could feel the tension. Shimon looked angry and tightly wound.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“This week it hit me,” Shimon said sharply. “I know there’s something against me here. I don’t even understand why I’m coming at all.”

I felt a knot in my stomach. It was uncomfortable, but I reminded myself that this moment was not about defending myself.

“What do you feel toward me?” I asked.

“That you’re not supporting me,” he replied. “That you don’t really see my pain. Why should I even come to you?”

“How does that show up?” I asked.

“I can’t explain it,” Shimon said. “I just know that’s how I feel.”

The Familiar Pattern

“Do you feel the same way with your wife?” I asked gently. “That she doesn’t support you?”

“Don’t dodge the question,” Shimon snapped. “Instead of admitting you’re not doing your job, you’re shifting the conversation. Answer me.”

“Would it be okay,” I asked, “if we first explore what’s happening between you and your wife, and then return to this?”

After a moment, Shimon agreed.

He then described how deeply alone he feels in his marriage.

“I give her everything,” he said. “I’m dedicated to her. I try so hard. And she acts like she doesn’t owe me anything. Like I don’t even exist.”

“Do you feel she owes you support?” I asked.

“Of course,” Shimon replied immediately. “Why did we get married otherwise? I give her my soul, and she gives nothing back. She doesn’t dedicate herself, she doesn’t support me. I feel like I’m living alone.”

Where Obligation Begins

I asked him about his parents.

“They’re amazing,” he said. “They gave everything for me. And I give everything for them now. I would sacrifice myself for them.”

I then returned to the original tension between us.

“Do you think I’m obligated to support you?” I asked.

“Yes,” Shimon said. “Why would I come to you if not for that?”

“What would it feel like,” I asked, “if you knew I supported you because I had to? Would you want support that comes from obligation, or support that comes from genuine empathy?”

Shimon froze.

“There’s logic in what you’re saying,” he admitted. “But now I feel trapped. If you support me because you owe me, it’s meaningless. And if you don’t support me, I’m alone again. That’s unbearable.”

The Paradox of Demand

“This is the same paradox you’re living with your wife,” I said. “If you demand that she see you and support you, you may get something that looks like care, but it won’t be real. Is that what you want?”

“So what should I do?” Shimon asked desperately.

“I can’t tell you what to do,” I answered. “But I can point out the conflict. On one hand, you deeply want your wife’s support. On the other hand, you feel she owes it to you. And that cancels out the very thing you want. Because if she owes you, then her presence is no longer freely given.”

“You need to decide,” I continued. “Do you want to hold on to the belief that she owes you, and lose her genuine desire to be there for you? Or can you let go of that belief, allowing her, if and when she chooses, to give from a real place?”

Shimon sat quietly for a long moment.

“Of course I want real giving,” he said softly. “But it scares me.”

Letting Go Without Losing Yourself

“What scares you?” I asked.

“I feel that if I let go of this, I’m betraying my parents,” Shimon said. “I grew up believing they owed me and gave everything for me, and I owe them everything in return. If my wife doesn’t owe me, then maybe I don’t owe them either. And that feels like betrayal.”

This realization marked the beginning of a profound internal process for Shimon.

As he slowly builds a stronger sense of self, he begins to understand that he is not meant to erase himself for anyone. And from that place, he can also allow his wife not to erase herself for him.

Only then does real closeness become possible.

Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger is a counselor and founder of a school for training couples counselors.