Honoring Parents: The First Step to Gratitude and a Life of Faith

The most fundamental expression of gratitude in a person’s life is gratitude toward one’s parents, who brought him into the world. Indeed, the mitzvah of honoring parents is the foundation and starting point for developing the trait of gratitude.

A person can adopt two very different perspectives. He can behave like a good guest, or like a bad guest. He can recognize his parents’ kindness, look appreciatively at the many enormous acts of goodness they have done for him since the day he was born, and his heart will overflow with pure feelings of respect and gratitude toward them.

Alternatively, he can deny their kindness with various excuses: My parents brought me into the world for their own pleasure and benefit, because who does not want children? People even stand in long lines hoping to adopt. Is there any greater joy than raising a soft little baby? And if they already brought me into the world, surely it is their obligation to care for me and provide everything I need. With this mindset, he shakes off any sense of appreciation or responsibility.

Denying Kindness Leads to Denying God

The work Chayei Adam writes that those who claim they do not need to feel gratitude toward their father and mother because the parents acted for their own benefit should have their mouths silenced. Such people argue that once the child is born, God implanted in parents a natural instinct to raise their children, like animals and birds raise their young, and therefore children owe no gratitude.

He strongly rejects this view and explains that whoever speaks this way testifies about himself that he is like an animal, lacking the heart to understand. The Sages said that anyone who denies the kindness of another will ultimately deny the kindness of the Holy One, blessed be He. By their logic, they would also claim there is no obligation to honor or fear God, since we are His creation and it would be appropriate for Him to benefit His creations. He concludes that those who speak this way are denying in their hearts.

The Root of the Mitzvah According to Sefer HaChinuch

Sefer HaChinuch writes regarding the mitzvah of honoring parents that it is rooted in the idea that a person should recognize and repay kindness to those who have benefited him. He should not be crude, detached, or ungrateful, because this is a trait that is utterly repulsive to God and to people.

A person should take to heart that his father and mother are the reason he exists in the world, and therefore it is truly fitting that he give them honor and benefit to the best of his ability. They brought him into the world, and they struggled greatly for him when he was young.

When a person establishes this trait within himself, it will lead him to recognize the goodness of God, blessed be He, who is the ultimate cause of his existence and the existence of all his ancestors back to Adam, who brought him into the world, provided his needs all his life, formed him with a complete body, and gave him an intelligent soul. Without that soul, he would be like a horse or mule with no understanding. When he reflects on this, he will understand how much he must be careful in serving God.

It Is Not Something to Take for Granted

In truth, every person must reflect on how much he owes his parents.

If someone does a small favor for another person, such as giving them a ride home, of course they deserve thanks. If someone troubles themselves more and prepares a good meal, a person will be full of gratitude. If someone goes further and does an even greater kindness, such as helping them find a good job, a person already feels the need to buy a gift. If the kindness is ongoing, such as monthly support, that is a unique generosity that will be appreciated beyond measure.

Loving parents do far more than that, beyond measure. A mother endured the pain of pregnancy and childbirth for her child, which is immense. Parents worry, devote themselves, work to feed, give drink, bathe, and clothe their child. They invest in education, prepare meals, wash and iron laundry, run to appointments, well baby clinics, doctors, dentists, end of year school events, and spend endlessly.

Is all of this taken as obvious simply because they are parents?

A Parable About Appreciation

There was once a wealthy man who adopted a young orphaned boy. He raised him like a son, provided all his needs generously, and gave him immense goodness. The boy became accustomed to his comfortable situation and did not appreciate the kindness properly. At times he even belittled it and made excessive demands.

One day, a poor man arrived at the wealthy man’s home, going door to door. The wealthy man had compassion, brought him inside, gave him a good meal and a place to sleep. When the poor man left, the wealthy man gave him money and food for the road. The poor man did not stop thanking the homeowner. For every spoonful he ate, his mouth was full of blessings and praise. For every effort, for every small trouble, he expressed gratitude.

The wealthy man’s wife saw this and felt pain. Why does this poor man, who ate and slept here only one day, thank and praise us so much, while the orphan boy, for whom we struggle day and night, does not treat us with the respect we deserve?

Her husband said, “Do not worry. In a few days you will see a complete change.”

The wealthy man went to the boy and said, “You know you are not our biological son. When you were small, we took pity on you and brought you into our home. But now we are older, and thank God we see you are capable of managing on your own. Please pack your things, go on your way, and begin building your life by yourself.”

The boy was stunned. Shocked, he packed some belongings, took some provisions, and set out. He did not know where to go. He wandered, sat on a bench, ate a little, fell asleep. A cold wind struck him at night and he woke in fear and worry. He spent two, then three days like this, his heart full of sorrow and anxiety.

Then the wealthy man came to him and said, “My dear son, I see it is hard for you to manage alone. I have decided to bring you back into my home.”

The boy rejoiced greatly, returned to the wealthy man’s house, and his mouth did not stop praising his benefactors. For every spoonful he ate, his mouth was full of blessings and praise. For every action, for every effort, he expressed gratitude.

The wealthy man’s wife was amazed. How did this change happen?

That is how a person is. From childhood, he becomes used to receiving goodness from his parents. Everything feels obvious. Everything feels like it is owed to him. But in truth, this feeling is a great mistake.

Our Sages taught that when someone gives you kindness first, you should recognize their goodness even for the fact that they acted first. If your friend preceded you with lentils, you should precede him with meat, because he did kindness for you first. They also said that one who opens his door for his fellow becomes obligated to him.

If so, we can never fully repay parents, because this is not a one for one exchange. We owe them far more than what they gave first and what they did for us.

From here a person understands that even when caring for elderly parents requires greater physical and emotional effort than caring for young children, it does not exempt him from gratitude. Especially since honoring parents is not merely repayment for what they did for us. It is a decree of the King, and a commandment that must be fulfilled even without calculations of kindness against kindness. Even if parents did not give their child what they should have, the child still bears the obligation to honor them.

Personal Training Through Honoring Parents

Through the mitzvah of honoring parents, the Torah trains us to continuously practice this trait of gratitude. It gradually shakes us out of the natural mindset of “everything is owed to me,” the selfishness and pride rooted in us from childhood, and helps us develop a refined and pure sense of generosity of spirit and appreciative vision for the kindness all around us.

With this awareness, a husband will learn to appreciate his wife and recognize her goodness for all her efforts, for her toil in raising the children and managing the home, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and ironing. Nothing is obvious. Even if it is her responsibility, she deserves gratitude for fulfilling it.

Likewise, a wife will learn to recognize her husband’s goodness for the livelihood he brings, and for the shopping he does. Nothing is obvious. Even if it is his responsibility, he deserves gratitude for fulfilling it.

Then our hearts will overflow with endless praise and thanks to God, for every breath, for every day of life, for our wondrous body, for the privilege of serving Him and keeping His mitzvot, for all the gifts He has given us in His abundant goodness and kindness.

The World Was Created for Me

In the Talmud we find a unique and instructive example of a powerful perspective of gratitude to God for His kindness, in Berachot 58a.

The holy sage Ben Zoma lived in Jerusalem. When he saw the huge crowds ascending to the Temple Mount, he blessed and said, “Blessed is the Wise One of secrets,” for God created every person different in appearance and in mind, and He knows what is in each heart, “and blessed is He who created all these to serve me.”

How and why were they created to serve him?

Ben Zoma explained how much effort Adam needed to exert to obtain a piece of bread. He had to plow, sow, harvest, gather, thresh, winnow, select, grind, sift, knead, bake, and only then eat. Adam exerted much effort to obtain clothing: he had to shear wool, whiten it, comb it, spin it, weave it, and only then have a garment.

But I do not need to do all those tasks, because God sends me countless messengers, people of different trades, who do the work for me. One grows wheat, another runs the flour mill, another owns a bakery, another runs a grocery. One grows cotton, another flax. One owns a textile factory, another is a skilled tailor. One produces buttons and zippers, another manufactures weaving machines.

So I wake up in the morning, and without effort, I find bread to eat and clothing to wear, ready and prepared.

And it is not only them. For all of those trades to function, there are builders and stonecutters, woodcutters and water drawers, glaziers, carpenters, blacksmiths, and more. All of this just for “bread to eat and clothing to wear.” And what about the omelet, the vegetable salad, the olives and cheese. In short, fields and orchards, farms and ranches, chicken coops and dairies, incubators and milk plants. Thousands upon thousands of people are placed by God to serve me.

This is an unusual perspective of faith and gratitude. There is no randomness and nothing that is obvious. Everything is directed, planned, and happens through Divine providence, with intention and desire to benefit me.

This is not a naive fantasy of a person living in delusion that “everything is for me.” Our Sages said that God created the first human alone to teach that it is fitting to create an entire world for one individual. Therefore every person must say, “For me the world was created.” And of course, that obligates me to bring pleasure to my Creator.

If however a person feels that the world does not exist for him, and that he merely happened to fall into it, wandering like another creature among millions, this thought leads a person to disregard service of God. As the Sages said, a person should not say to himself that the world is chaos, so he will eat and drink and enjoy and then leave the world. If he does so, about him it is said, “The fool says in his heart, there is no God.”

Every person should walk with the sense that “for me the world was created.” Many workers labor to pave a road so it will be easier for me to travel, brilliant minds develop technology to assist me, people work to market a product I need, importers and exporters, seaports and airports, wholesalers and distributors, factories and industries, construction companies, the electric company and water company, and more. Everything, absolutely everything, God created for me and for my benefit, to give me the best conditions to serve Him.

It Is Good to Thank God

A person was invited to the king’s table. The king ordered that he be seated in the proper place, served dish after dish, drinks of different kinds, ensured pleasant air conditioning, enjoyable background music, and made sure he lacked nothing.

Another person, however, happened to wander into the king’s food storage room. He found excellent food and ate, found good drinks and drank, enjoyed the cool air that reached the storage room from the air conditioner, and the background music that could be heard through the window.

On the surface, he enjoyed the same food and the same conditions. But the difference is obvious. His body enjoyed it, but his soul did not. He lacked the special peace and inner joy that filled the heart of the first man, because the first experienced the personal attention of the king and the king’s intention to benefit him.

That is the difference between the believer who recognizes goodness and the one who denies it. The denier lives in a dark storage room, grabbing and eating, grabbing and drinking. Living on a distant planet among billions of stars. By chance, this planet, Earth, developed conditions suitable for human life, and somehow he manages to find what he needs.

But the believer, throughout life, lives as one invited to the king’s table, seeing the Divine intention to provide exactly what he needs.

Consider food, how perfectly it is suited to human needs, in its nutritional value, its variety, its appearance, colors, and forms. Each food exists in the most fitting measure. Water is abundant because we cannot live without it. Wheat, a staple, is also abundant. In contrast, meat and poultry, milk and eggs, fruits and vegetables, grains and legumes, spices and herbs, each exists in the quantity most fitting for balanced and healthy nutrition.

Oxygen, which we need to breathe, is simply in the air itself. There is no need to draw it from a well or fill it in containers.

There is no end to observing how the world was created with thought to benefit us and give to us. Even the structure of the human body shows this, without needing to be a scientist or doctor. For example, the nose is above the mouth so we avoid putting spoiled food into our mouths. The lips are more sensitive to heat so overly hot food will not enter the body. The eyes are recessed for protection in a fall. Eyebrows prevent sweat from dripping into them. Eyelids wash away dust and dirt, and so on, all endless precise design in every organ, for our benefit.

The person who denies goodness does not notice any of this. He does not sense Divine providence providing his needs, and does not think to ask who is giving him so much. He was born this way, grew up this way, it is nature, that is how the world works, everything is obvious. What is there to be amazed about?

The Torah educates us toward a mature and truthful outlook. We are taught not to remain in the instinctive state of grabbing and consuming, but rather, open your eyes, look around, give thanks for the goodness surrounding you, beginning with honor and gratitude to the parents who gave birth to you and raised you, and extending to deep and endless gratitude to the Creator for His kindness and gifts.