Breaking Free from Relationship Norms: What Do You Really Want?

Who knows how much time we would save in life if we did not feel the need to impress everyone.

Who knows how much money we would save, how many nerves we would spare.

And who knows whether we would choose to live the same way if we were on a deserted island, without the constant gaze of neighbors, friends, and family judging us and ranking us according to what is considered accepted or normal. These standards are often shaped somewhere between casual gossip and media voices eager to dictate how life should look.

Perhaps we would no longer feel compelled to be so enlightened. Maybe we would reconnect with something far more basic, our Jewish instinct for survival. We might more easily distinguish between enemy and friend, good and bad, light and darkness.

And yes, we might finally enjoy our relationships without constantly checking who is watching. Without worrying about arriving at an event dressed in the most Instagram-worthy outfit, or wearing a dress that costs two monthly salaries just to keep up appearances. Without the pressure of hosting a meal in a perfectly renovated kitchen, with new furniture, decorative items, and elaborate lighting, all financed by mortgages and repayments taken on for the sake of impressing someone else.

Just you, the person you love, and a quiet sense of ease in the air. A smile. A thought that goes beyond material things.

I Did Not Come to Educate

I did not come to educate a generation.

I only want to share a small insight from the world of counseling.

Almost every conversation I have with couples begins with a sentence like, “A husband isn’t supposed to act this way,” or “A wife shouldn’t behave like that.” The word supposed is one I have grown to dislike deeply. It implies that there is some universal manual for relationships, a fixed rulebook that everyone must follow.

Sometimes I catch myself stopping the conversation to give a short lecture about how there are no manuals for relationships and that every couple has its own way of living.

Why do I call it a silly lecture?

Because lectures do not change perception. They rarely enter anyone’s heart.

Why Lectures Fail

At times, I even fall into the trap of trying to show the complaining partner that they too are not exactly conventional, that their own behavior would not fit neatly into anyone else’s rulebook. Occasionally this sparks reflection, but when thinking is rigid, it usually creates resistance. More than once, I have almost lost clients in that moment.

People do not come to counseling to be told they are wrong.

They come with one clear goal: to change their partner. They want proof that the professional advisor agrees with them. The problem is simple. There are two people in the room, and I cannot fully side with both.

Letting Go of “Supposed To”

So I try, again and again, to strip things down.

I ask them to set aside the word supposed. I invite them to be simple for a moment. Each person is asked to speak about what truly bothers them, what hurts them, what feels heavy in their life, without referencing norms or expectations.

Something shifts.

Just like a home without a crushing mortgage we cannot afford, or a simple, good outfit we might happily wear if we were not being watched, the words that emerge are different. They are concrete. Human. Honest.

Words spoken by people with hearts, carrying real hurt, with pulses beating steadily, sometimes calmly, sometimes faster.

When the Heart Finally Speaks

People begin to say things like:

“It’s important to me that…”

“I feel hurt when…”

“I wish there were more…”

They speak even if it does not align with what is considered acceptable. Even if the marriage guidebook someone bought cheaply at the synagogue suggests otherwise.

They dare to think for themselves. To feel for themselves. To speak without pretending.

And in those moments, I sometimes feel that something real has been created.

Not through grand theories, not through impressive titles or fashionable terminology sold in the marketplace of relationship advice.

Just by engaging the heart.

The human heart. The one that feels. The one that is tired of outside voices dictating how life should look and how relationships should be managed.

It is not easy to be simple.

I never said it was.

Good luck to us all.

Pinchas Hirsch
Couples Counselor M.F.C.