Breaking Free from Relationship Norms: What Do You Really Want?

Who knows how much time we would save in life if we didn’t have to impress everyone.

Who knows how much money we would save, how many nerves we would spare.

And who knows if we would choose to live our lives the way they are if we were on a deserted island, without the eyes of neighbors / friends / family constantly judging us and ranking us in the hierarchy of the "accepted" and "normal" created somewhere between gossiping ladies and various media programs from citizens trying to dictate norms to the public.

Maybe we would no longer want to be so "enlightened," connecting instead to our Jewish survival instinct. We could, much more easily, identify enemy and friend, bad and good, light and darkness.

And yes, we could enjoy a bit of our relationship, without unnecessary peeking at everyone’s scrutinizing gazes when we arrive at an event dressed in the best Instagram fashion or the latest outrageous model costing two monthly paychecks for a dress, or during a simple and delicious meal in a modest and pleasant home without a renovated kitchen / bedroom / new furniture / decorative items / extensive LED lighting, under which we laid our lives under the wheels of mortgages and various repayments just to impress someone.

You, him, and simple pleasantness in the air. A smile, thoughts on something beyond material.

I didn’t come to educate the generation.

I just want to share a small insight from the world of counseling.

Almost every conversation I have with couples starts with a complaint like "a husband/wife isn’t supposed to act that way." The word "supposed" underlines what I’ve grown to dislike so much, that sometimes I can’t help but stop for a silly lecture that doesn’t penetrate anyone's ears, about how there are no rules or manuals in relationships, and every couple has their own way of living.

Why silly?

Because I can't change a person’s perception through lectures or "education." It doesn’t work.

Sometimes I also sin in trying to prove to the complainer that they’re also not a conventional person, and they have a way of behaving that doesn’t fit most people perfectly.

Sometimes it provokes thought, but in cases of rigid thinking patterns, I've succeeded in arousing heightened antagonism and almost lost the clients at that moment.

People don’t like being lectured, or being told they are wrong.

They come to counseling with a clear singular goal: to change their partner, and prove to them that the "professional advisor" thinks like them. The only problem is that there are two sides in a couple, and I will never be able to think like both of them.

So, as someone trying to learn from myself the lesson of "enough with the fluff," I try to get to the core of the matter without a brush with the word "lecture" or "education." I simply ask them to be simple people for a moment, and additionally, each one can say what’s on their heart, and what bothers them in their lives, without invoking the "supposed to be."

Then, similar to a home free of "supposed to be," simply one with a low basic mortgage we can afford, and similar to a simple but good outfit that we would joyfully allow ourselves if only the affluent sisters-in-law weren’t looking – concrete simple words come out, of people with hearts, spiced with human hurt and beats at 70 beats per minute (or in a mad case, 110...).

People start talking about what bothers them, even if it's not accepted, and even if the handbook for a happy marriage that the husband bought for a few bucks at the synagogue states otherwise.

They dare to think for themselves what they want and need, and maybe also feel.

Without pretenses, without invoking norms, and in a wonderfully pleasant simplicity to the ears.

"It’s important to me that..."

"I feel hurt when..."

"I feel that I would want more..."

And then I think that maybe I’ve managed to create something.

Without invoking the "absolute professionalism" to my side, without inflated titles and fancy names for different and strange theories that people sell in the market to attract couples struggling with relationship issues,

simply engaging the heart.

The human one, that feels,

the one that has had enough of external opinions imposing themselves on how our lives should be managed and look.

It’s not easy to be simple.

I didn’t say that...

Good luck to us all.

Pinchas Hirsch is a couples counselor M.F.C.