The Power of Kaddish: Honoring Parents After Passing

Part of the mitzvah of honoring one’s father and mother after their passing includes saying Kaddish for the first twelve months. One must be careful not to miss even a single Kaddish.

There is no greater disgrace or lack of respect than a child who is not careful to say Kaddish for a father or mother. On the other hand, one who says Kaddish fulfills a Torah commandment of honoring parents, because through his Kaddish he brings them merit for Gan Eden and grants them great honor in the higher world.

Kaddish is included in the honor a child is obligated to give a parent after death — and in a sense it is even greater than the honor given during the parent’s lifetime. In life, a parent may sometimes forgo his honor, but Kaddish is not something that can be waived; every parent hopes for it, as though the child was explicitly commanded to do so. Therefore, saying Kaddish is considered a Torah positive commandment.

The Deceased Arranged a Minyan

Rabbi Mordechai Gifter, Rosh Yeshiva of Telz, related:

One of my students invited me to his wedding. Since the wedding was far from where I lived, the student sent plane tickets for me and for eight of his friends who were also invited. We set out early to arrive in time for the chuppah. But as we approached the airport, it became clear the plane could not land because of heavy fog. We continued flying until we reached a distant airport, far from the wedding.

Realizing we would not make it to the chuppah — and we would not even merit praying Minchah with a minyan, we prepared to pray Minchah individually in the airport. We asked a porter to show us a quiet place to pray. The porter agreed and led us to a side room. We stood to pray, and the porter remained at the doorway, watching the nine of us.

After we finished, the porter asked surprisingly: “Why didn’t you say Kaddish?” We answered that we were missing a tenth man for a minyan. He replied: “Am I not Jewish?!” And immediately he stepped in and said Kaddish.

Afterward, he told us emotionally: “Today is the yahrzeit of my father. Long ago I threw off Torah and mitzvot, and of course I don’t pray. Last night my father appeared to me in a dream and said, ‘Today is my yahrzeit, and I decree that you say Kaddish for me.’ I told him, ‘I don’t pray — and even if I wanted to say Kaddish, I can’t, because where I am there is no minyan of Jews.’ But my father said, ‘I will take care that you have a minyan, and you will say Kaddish.’”

“When I woke up, I told myself: ‘I’m not saying Kaddish.’ But now that I’ve seen how my father’s words came true, and how with Heavenly help, nine kosher Jews were brought here from far away, I couldn’t hold back from saying: ‘Yitgadal v’yitkadash sh’mei rabba!’”

Saying Kaddish brings great benefit for the elevation of the deceased’s soul, even if the person was a great tzaddik. Kaddish is not only to rescue the soul from Gehinom, as many people think; it also helps bring the soul into Gan Eden and elevate it from level to level there. (Arizal; Halichot Olam vol. 8, p. 108)

Rising From Level to Level

It is told about the holy Gaon Rabbi Yaakov Yitzchak Horowitz, known as the “Seer of Lublin,” that he had a fixed daily schedule to study esoteric Torah with his students from 9:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m., and he appointed a supervisor to ensure no one entered during those hours.

One day, at 10:00, an elderly woman arrived and begged to enter. The guard refused, saying the rabbi did not allow entry until 12:00. She persisted repeatedly, explaining it was hard for her to go home and return. The guard asked the rabbi, and the rabbi allowed her in.

She approached and asked, “Rabbi, do you recognize me?” He said no. She replied:

“About sixty years ago when you were born, your mother was ill and had no milk to nurse you. Your father searched for a righteous wet nurse who ate only kosher and never put anything into her mouth without a blessing. But he also had a difficult condition: if the baby needed to eat at night, she must not nurse while lying in bed — she must get up, wash hands, sit down, and feed him. No woman agreed, and only I agreed. I was happy to merit this great privilege, because I knew you would grow into a great Torah scholar.”

“Now I feel my time is near, and I came to ask the rabbi: please say Kaddish for me for a full year.”

The rabbi said: “Certainly. This is my gratitude to you,” and he blessed her.

A few days later she passed away. The rabbi attended her funeral and began saying Kaddish for her every day, word by word, with great intention. Before every blessing and before every shiur he would also say it should be for the elevation of her soul.

Thirty days passed. On the night of the thirtieth day, she appeared to him in a dream, dressed in white, her face shining like the sun, and said: “Rabbi, enough — enough! Stop saying Kaddish!”

He asked: “Why? Are the Kaddishim I said not good?”

She answered: “They are too good. Every time you say Kaddish, the ministering angels lift me in Gan Eden from level to level. I have already reached a place among great righteous women whose language I do not even understand. I don’t want you to continue. Only on the yahrzeit, say it again.”

From this we learn how exalted Kaddish is: when it is said properly, word by word, with correct pronunciation and understanding, it accomplishes tremendous things in Heaven and elevates the deceased higher and higher in the upper Gan Eden.

Even if a parent did not merit to keep Torah and mitzvot or to educate children in Torah, saying Kaddish still benefits them, by protecting them from punishment, and even helping lift them from Gehinom into Gan Eden (as described in stories brought later in the source text).

Which Kaddish to Say After Learning

After verses of Tehillim or other Biblical verses, one says Kaddish “Yehei Shlama.” After Torah learning such as Talmud, Midrash, halachah, or aggadah, one says Kaddish “Al Yisrael,” and beforehand it is good to recite the Mishnah: “Rabbi Chananya ben Akashya…”

The Kaddish said after learning is extremely lofty; one should be careful to say it with strong intention after a Torah shiur or a study session.

The Rambam writes that whenever ten or more Jews engage in Oral Torah — even Midrash or Aggadah, when they finish, one of them says Kaddish. Rashi writes that whenever the community says verses or Mishnah, they must say Kaddish afterward. The Chida cites a fearful story indicating that nothing protects against harmful forces like Kaddish after Tehillim, and therefore it is proper to establish daily Tehillim throughout the year with Kaddish for the elevation of a soul.

If there were not ten people during the learning or Tehillim, but by the time they finish there are ten, they may still say Kaddish — though it is good first to say “Rabbi Chananya…” or at least three verses. (Mishnah Berurah)

Saying Kaddish Even After the First Year

Because of the great value of Kaddish after Torah learning and Tehillim, it is a mitzvah and great spiritual elevation to say it even after the twelve months. There is a well-known account of Maran Rabbi Ovadia Yosef encouraging a Torah Scholar to continue doing so after the year, even if it led others to stand and say Kaddish as well.

The Pele Yoetz writes that even if one believes his father was completely righteous, he should still imagine he is bringing his father delicacies he loves, by saying Kaddish and giving charity for his soul — and should not miss even one day throughout his life.

Kaddish After Torah Reading

A mourner within twelve months should preferably say the Kaddish said at the conclusion of the Torah reading for the elevation of his parents’ souls. Even if he did not receive an aliyah, he may say it together with the person who did.

It is recorded about Maran Rabbi Ovadia Yosef that when he began saying Kaddish after the Torah reading, a mourner within twelve months joined him, and Maran encouraged him to continue.

If Someone Asked Not to Say Kaddish

If a person instructed that no one should say Kaddish for him, we do not listen, and we say Kaddish for him. (Yabia Omer)

The explanation given is that many people mistakenly think Kaddish only rescues from Gehinom, but according to the Arizal it also elevates in Gan Eden from level to level; if the deceased truly understood its benefit, he would not have objected.

If the Living Father Objects

If the mother passed away and the father objects to his son saying Kaddish, out of fear that it will “open the mouth of the Satan” and people will assume the father died, the son should listen and not say Kaddish, while increasing Torah learning (which is even more central). At the same time, he should try to influence the father through respected rabbis to remove his opposition, since Kaddish is actually a merit that brings blessing and longevity.

Saying Kaddish When One’s Parents Are Alive

If there is no mourner to say Kaddish in the prayers, someone else from the congregation may say it, provided he asks his parents’ permission, or reasonably assumes they do not mind. If he does not know whether they mind, he should not say it. (Rema; Mishnah Berurah)

Similarly, for Kaddish after learning, if there is no mourner, someone else may say it as long as it is not known that his parents object. If they do object, he should not say it.

Saying Kaddish Correctly and With Understanding

The Pele Yoetz writes that one must say Kaddish properly, word by word, without swallowing letters, with correct pronunciation, and try to understand the words. A rushed, sloppy Kaddish may not elevate the soul at all, and he fears it may even cause harm, God forbid (for example: mangling key words into different meanings).

He also warns that someone who says Kaddish must guard his speech, so he does not come to serve God with a “dirty and disgusting vessel.”

The Aruch HaShulchan writes that Kaddish requires intention and understanding, as without intention it is “nothing,” and it is better not to say it.

Hiring Someone to Say Kaddish

If a deceased person left no sons, only daughters, it is strongly recommended to hire a worthy person to say Kaddish throughout the year for the elevation of the soul.

Likewise, a son who lives in a place without a daily minyan may hire someone to say Kaddish in his place.

Some authorities write that this works even for honoring parents after death (since it is not a mitzvah that must be done only by the person himself), though ideally, if one can say it personally, it is preferable.

If someone is being paid to say Kaddish for another deceased person, and later his own father dies, he may continue saying Kaddish for both, and the payments continue, as Kaddish benefits both and does not diminish either one.

Multiple People Saying Kaddish Together

Sephardim customarily say Kaddish together. They should try to keep the same pace so one does not race ahead and another lag behind.

Many Ashkenazim also do this, though some communities still follow rules of precedence and have only one person say Kaddish.

If two or three people say Kaddish and one gets ahead of the others by more than about one second, the congregation should answer Amen after each one. If the gap is less than that, one Amen suffices for all.

Saying Kaddish Loudly

Kaddish should be said out loud. A person should not be lazy and whisper, relying on others to say it loudly. Even if his voice is naturally quiet, he should raise it as much as he can, as according to the effort, so is the reward. If his throat is sore or his voice is hoarse, he may be lenient.

Kaddish for Those With No One

There is enormous kindness in saying Kaddish for “lonely” deceased people who have no one to say it for them. It is an ancient custom that the city rabbi would say Kaddish “Al Yisrael” (before Hodu or Aleinu) for their souls.

It is recorded that Maran Rabbi Ovadia Yosef practiced this for many years: each morning he said Kaddish “Al Yisrael” before Hodu, and at the end of prayers he learned Rambam and said Kaddish “Al Yisrael.” He wrote: “It is very important to do so, and the custom of Israel is Torah.”

Kaddish Said by a Minor

A child who has reached the age of education (about five or six), and knows Whom we pray to, may say mourner’s Kaddish (Yehei Shlama and Al Yisrael) and the congregation answers Amen. For a Kaddish that includes “Borchu,” it is preferable that an adult say it with him.

A child younger than the age of education should not say Kaddish alone at all, only together with an adult.

Kaddish Said by a Daughter

If someone died leaving no sons, only a daughter, she may not say Kaddish in the synagogue. However, if ten gather in a home for Torah study or Tehillim, the daughter may say Kaddish afterward.

Kaddish Said by a Grandchild

Although grandchildren also have a mitzvah to say Kaddish for a grandfather or grandmother, the common custom is that they do so only if there are no sons who will say it. Still, grandchildren who wish to say Kaddish may do so with their parents’ agreement.

Kaddish Said by a Parent, Husband, or Sibling

• If a child (son or daughter) passes away, the father should say Kaddish, and this is preferable to the siblings saying it — though if the father wants the siblings to say it too, they may.

• If a wife passes away and the children are not saying Kaddish (or there are no children), the husband should try to say Kaddish for her for a year, and this is preferable to someone else.

• If someone passes away without children (or the children do not say Kaddish), the siblings should try to say Kaddish throughout the year.

• The custom is to say Kaddish even for a small child who died.

• A righteous convert may say Kaddish for his non-Jewish parents as an expression of gratitude for bringing him into the world, and it can help ease their judgment.

• A son may say Kaddish for a father who apostatized.