Gratitude in the Waiting: Finding Faith, Meaning, and Strength While Searching for a Life Partner

Recently, with great sadness, I was told about a close and beloved friend who was diagnosed with a terrible illness. This came after a series of similar pieces of news that arrived at different times over the past year.

And then it hit me.

Rediscovering What Exists

The awareness of what exists, something that had not disappeared but had simply faded within the great absence and the waiting for a life partner, suddenly dimmed and then reappeared. I found myself standing outside, gazing at the blanket of clouds spread out before me in a sky that was slightly less cloudy that day, and simply saying thank you.

Thank you. Thank you, Creator of the world. Thank you for deciding that this would be my story here in the world. Thank you that I am still searching, and how wonderful that I have not yet found. That I still have time to linger in prayer, to refine my desires, to whisper in Your ear what troubles me and what I could never live with, who I am and what my name is.

Thank you, Abba, for knowing me far better than I know or will ever know myself, and for knowing that at this exact point this is simply the happiest, best, most perfect, most precise, most correct, and least painful thing, that I should be alone. Because what is loneliness, after all, when it is with You? When it shares with You what it is experiencing, what is missing, who it is not yet?

The Process of Acceptance

What happens when you begin a process of acceptance? First of all, you become a kav to God.

Because within every difficult situation there is a choice whether to look at the bad or at what exists. True, you want a different reality. You want a reality that leads straight to marriage, that leads straight to salvation.

But what kind of reality would that have been if you had not gone through everything you have gone through until now? You have a choice, and it is expressed in how you decide to accept your package, or not to accept it. If you do not accept it, then everyone will be to blame for your situation, and your ear will grow tired just from hearing the next suggestion.

What happens when you begin a process of acceptance? First of all, you become a kav to God.

What Is a Kav?

A kav has two meanings. It is both an ancient unit of measure and a staff that helps one walk.

When you begin a genuine process of accepting everything that is missing in your life, you say thank you for everything. Even if you are not really there yet. Even if saying thank you comes with drops of blood seeping from your lips after biting them so hard. Even if, in those moments, you feel resentment in your heart over the fact that you are not yet married and do not yet have children.

Suddenly, slowly, walking becomes a little easier. Someone, or something, helps you carry your burden. You are no longer alone in your story. You never were, but now the kav becomes the one who bears the full weight, and all that remains for you is to keep walking.

Ancient Measures and Inner Work

The second meaning of kav is an ancient unit of measure. Here I hear a sentence that keeps echoing in my ears: inflation, pride, a sense of “my strength and the power of my hand” do not belong here. This is an ancient measure. It does not belong to someone who seeks renewal.

We do not aspire to be like stagnant water that spoils over time. We have no interest in returning to outdated traits. Rather, we seek to repair those traits and to build new vessels, a bit more refined, to contain them. Do you really want to store anger or resentment inside you? What will that do to your heart if you keep so many negative emotions there? What will it do to your faith if you insist on being right instead of seeking to be wise?

What will it do to you as a person, as a mother you may merit to become one day? Are these the values you want to pass on to your children, values of wallowing in negativity, of “they took from me” or “they hurt me”? If not, then this is the moment to lift your head, gather the broken pieces from the floor, take the staff in your hand, and keep walking. With a smile if you can. If not, that is also fine. But someone who does not smile is likely never to stop asking “why.”

They will understand nothing along their path, no matter how much people try to explain. They will walk through this world like someone blind, missing extraordinary sights that are waiting only for them.

Kav is also a prosthetic leg, a leg implanted in place of a natural one, God forbid. Do you want a prosthetic limb to become an integral part of your personality? Do you want something unnatural to lead you and navigate your path? If the answer is no, then begin returning to yourself.

Gratitude in What Is Missing

Are you missing a groom? Say thank you very much. Because alongside all the absence in your life, there are also illnesses that you do not have, and thank God for that.