What It Really Means to Be a Queen: When Self-Love Takes Form

“Apparently, it just doesn’t work for me. I’ve gone through so many self love workshops, tried connecting with myself, even signed up for the popular workshop You Are the Queen, and nothing helps,” Esther complained.

“What were you expecting?” I asked her.

“To feel like a queen. It worked for my friends, but it just doesn’t work for me. Honestly, I think it’s because of Shuli. If he would just get it together and stop treating me like a servant, then I’m sure the workshops would work for me too. I just need to replace my husband,” she replied.

“Neither the workshops nor Shuli are the problem. External solutions, whether through reciting empowering phrases or fantasizing about changing partners, won’t help if there is no connection to an internal root consciousness."

“To understand why this isn’t working, I’ll try to explain the foundational emotional movements in both men and women, drawing from the world of Kabbalah and Chassidut.”

The Emotional Movements of Man and Woman

“The attribute associated with men is Chesed. This is an emotional movement of giving and outreach. It is his natural and dominant motion, pouring abundance and strength into the relationship."

“The attribute associated with women is Gevurah. This is an emotional movement of boundaries and structure. The woman is the receiver, and she forms the walls of the home. It is no coincidence that it is said, ‘a man’s wife is his home.’ Into the boundaries of the structure she creates, the man pours his strengths, and together, through the capabilities of both, the home is built.”

“So see, I was right. Shuli is to blame for everything going on. If he would change and pour all his strengths into me, then I would finally feel like a queen,” she said.

“Shuli may need to change too, but that is not your field. You cannot change anyone, and you cannot choose someone else’s choices for them. You need to take exclusive responsibility for your own space."

“The female attribute is Gevurah, and Gevurot means judgments and limits, which are necessary for the existence of the world. In order for created beings to exist, Hashem had to apply the attribute of Gevurah. Otherwise, there would be unlimited, infinite light without form. The moment Hashem confined His light, His Chesed, the world and all creatures were formed. You are the one creating the framework into which Shuli can choose to pour all his strengths.”

“But Shuli doesn’t know how to do this. He only thinks about himself and is preoccupied with himself. He doesn’t see me at all,” she complained.

“Esther, do you think being a queen means an easy life?” I asked her with a smile.

The Difficulty of Boundaries

“That is the challenge for many women. Setting boundaries is not rewarding. It feels like destroying the fun, like being ‘not a fun woman’ or ‘not laid back.’ When you stand firm in your identity and desires, Shuli may be forced to face a choice."

“The role of the woman is not easy. She must hold up the walls of the home when gusts of wind shake its stability. When you define expectations for your home and your relationship, Shuli may resist. In those moments, you might feel frightened and lose confidence that you are on the right path.”

“It really is hard for me,” she whispered.

“Your struggle is real, and it stems from a very deep identification with a character you believe you are, a character you think is you. When you were a child, those defense mechanisms protected you. Today, they have become rigid and irrelevant. They prevent you from flowing and rejuvenating into the abundant life that is waiting for you.”

“Yes,” she said quietly. “I really feel like I don’t believe my life can change.”

Reclaiming the True Self

“Before you work on developing trust in yourself, let’s first try to understand what ‘yourself’ actually is. When you identify with the girl who absorbed criticism, negative experiences, and trauma, you also remain limited in your range of movement."

“Notice this. It is essential to have compassion for that girl, but you, in your full potential, are not that girl. You are nourished and connected to a divine point that was planted in you at birth. This is the divine soul, connected to the crown of royalty, sustained by a deep connection to Hashem."

“Do you know what ‘A woman of Yirat Hashem, she shall be praised’ means? It refers to a woman who connects to the point of awe within herself and firmly holds the structure of a correct partnership. A praiseworthy woman is not afraid to take the monarchy. She insists that in her realm, the relationship demands loyalty, respect, and devotion. She knows she deserves this, and she insists on it."

“A woman connected to her crown remains steady and unchanging. When you lift your eyes and recognize that there is a crown above you, you align with the divine qualities within you. This alignment gives you strength to stand firm, because there is truth."

“‘Truth shall spring from the earth.’ One cannot question the might of the Name. Your mission in the world, and especially in your home, is to express divinity through you.”

“So you’re saying that by losing faith that change is possible, I am losing the template for my relationship?” she asked.

“Not only are you losing the shape of the template, but the opposite happens. The judgments that are meant to manifest in a corrected way for the home and relationship no longer find a place in the romantic space. Instead, a process resembling self attack begins. Rather than setting boundaries against someone who crosses them, anger is directed inward, into your soul. Internal destruction begins to form, similar to an autoimmune disease, but this time in the soul itself. You fill with rage, self hatred, and inner collapse."

“These judgments close you off from receiving. They block your channels of abundance. This movement must flow outward into the relationship, not inward against yourself.”

Choosing One’s Role

“Men often become confused and ask why they are expected to bring their strengths into the relationship while women are not. It is important to clarify this. A man brings his emotional strengths through a Chesed movement, a strong flow of giving energy. A woman brings her emotional strength through a Gevurah movement, establishing stable and resilient walls that can hold these strengths in an accurate and orderly way, and withstand fluctuations."

“Understand this. Shuli’s purpose is to pour his strengths. But Hashem created us as beings of choice. Each person chooses what to do within their holy sanctum."

“He, like you, must choose whether or not to fulfill his role. He has to choose this himself. You cannot choose for him, and you cannot force him to become who you want him to be. You are responsible for your space, and he is responsible for his.”