Crown to Kingdom: Setting Boundaries Without Losing Yourself

“I don’t understand, how am I supposed to do this? I know I need to set boundaries in the relationship and not agree to let him go play tennis with friends when I need him here with me. But I just don’t get how to do this without being bossy or controlling. Because that’s the last thing I want to be,” Esther expressed in frustration.

“I agree with you. You don’t need to be a cop, you need to be a queen. And that means you have to connect the kingdom to the crown,” I responded.

“What does that mean, to connect the kingdom to the crown?” she asked.

“When you feel uncomfortable that other things are being prioritized over your relationship or family in Yaakov’s life, you’re probably sensing something true. This sensitivity is something you’ve been blessed with. Its purpose is to help refine your relationship structure into a healthy one.”

“In our previous conversation, I realized that I need to connect to the inner strength I possess, to firmly uphold our refined relationship structure and insist that Yaakov focuses his energies on our relationship. But the problem is, I’m not sure I’m really right about this,” she explained.

Understanding the Structure of the Soul

“First, we need to understand the structure of the soul,” I said.

Upper level: the intellectual level
Middle level: the emotional level
Lower level: the practical level

“Above these levels lies the crown. The crown is the navigator of the soul’s powers. It contains faith, pleasure, and will. Beneath these levels lies the kingdom, which is the manifestation of the soul’s powers in real life."

“A person who is truly in tune with themselves connects the crown to the kingdom. This connection is healthy and balanced only when all levels of the soul are aligned. When there is an imbalance and the levels are not properly connected, gaps form in the soul. This leads to disharmony, suffering, and stagnation. These feelings are Hashem’s way of signaling that we are not acting in accordance with the laws of creation.”

“Let’s try to illustrate this using the tennis tournament from last year.”

When Good Intentions Create Inner Conflict

“Yes, I really remember it,” she said. “I made an effort to cheer him on and encourage him to go to the tournament, even though I had just undergone surgery. Our daughter wasn’t feeling well and was throwing up nonstop, and that day there was a strike in the kindergartens. Despite all this, I made great efforts to let him go. But what’s wrong with me trying for him?”

“There’s no good or bad here,” I replied. “This is a process that needs to be understood honestly. How do you define a good relationship?”

“I believe there needs to be trust, respect, and selflessness toward one another. That we should give up for each other and genuinely care for one another,” she said.

“Excellent. That belief is your point of faith. From it, pleasure in the relationship can grow, along with motivation and desire to nurture and preserve togetherness. That belief is your crown. Now ask yourself, is Yaakov’s decision to go to the tournament while the home is in such turmoil aligned with the faith you just described?”

“I understand what you’re trying to tell me,” she replied.

“And how did you actually feel about it?” I asked.

“I felt very bad. At the same time, I tried to convince myself that this is what a good wife does. She makes an effort so her husband can enjoy himself. After all, this was important to him."

“Honestly, inside I was full of anger. I kept thinking, even if I tell him to go, is this really okay? Doesn’t he see me? I’m swollen from surgery, the house is a mess, and everything is falling apart. How can he do this?”

Aligning the Crown and the Kingdom

“That,” I said, “is the kingdom. It was an action you chose to perform in reality. But that action was completely disconnected from your true feelings, from your intellectual understanding, and from your faith about what a relationship should look like. There was no connection between the crown and the kingdom."

“A healthy and truthful connection aligns all the soul’s powers beneath the crown, in one clear and balanced line.

Crown: I believe relationships must be built on mutual selflessness.

Intellectual level: It is not reasonable for Yaakov to go to the tournament under these circumstances.

Emotional level: I would feel supported if Yaakov stayed with me during this difficult time at home.

Practical level: I will not cooperate with actions that contradict the values sustaining our home.

Kingdom: Yaakov stays home with you and helps you."

“Notice how, in this structure, every level supports the next. Everything is aligned. This is how harmony is restored, and this is how the laws of creation are upheld.”