One Word That Can Make or Break Communication

What should we do when we feel hurt, frustrated, disappointed, upset, angry, or any other unpleasant emotion toward someone close to us?

Just as we ourselves do not want to argue or fight, we can usually assume that the person close to us is also not looking for conflict and does not want to hurt us. And yet, we hurt and are hurt again and again.

One Small Word With Great Power

There is one tiny word that can either foster closeness in communication or completely destroy it. No other word in the language carries such double power. Strangely enough, it is one of the most commonly used words in everyday conversation. We use it hundreds of times a day without realizing how much influence it has over our relationships.

The word is “but.”

It sounds innocent. It allows us to place something positive and something negative in the same sentence. Yet “but” is anything but innocent. It is a highly manipulative word that enables us to express something hurtful while disguising it as care or understanding.

What Did I Really Say?

We may think we are simply expressing our feelings, but without noticing, we often use “but” to hurt.

For example:
“I understand how you feel, but I can’t accept that.”

Did you notice the subtle manipulation? On the surface, understanding is expressed. In reality, the message received is that the other person’s feelings do not truly matter.

How Sentence Structure Shapes Communication

The order of words in a sentence can determine whether communication builds connection or damages it.

A negative message might sound like this:
“Maybe you mean well, but what you’re doing isn’t helping me.”
In this sentence, the positive intention is immediately canceled.

A more constructive version would be:
“What you’re doing isn’t helping me, but I know you mean well.”
Here, appreciation remains intact.

Another negative example:
“I appreciate that you’re staying home on Shabbat even though your parents invited us, but it doesn’t mean much when you’re doing it reluctantly.”

A constructive alternative:
“I know you don’t want to stay home on Shabbat, but I appreciate that you’re doing it anyway.”

Are We Trying to Build or to Tear Down?

A destructive sentence usually begins with something positive and ends with something negative. A constructive sentence does the opposite.

Starting with praise and ending with criticism is like handing someone a gift and then immediately taking it back and replacing it with a slap. Starting with the difficulty and ending with appreciation is like giving a gift to someone who was expecting a slap.

In romantic relationships, communication is either the bridge that connects or the wall that divides. When conversations are not constructive, it is important to examine not only what is being said, but how it is being said.

Negative communication focuses only on what is bothering one partner. Positive communication addresses what matters to both. When seeking agreement, it helps to name shared desires, such as: “We both want our children to receive the best education possible.”

This brings both partners into a shared space of cooperation, not a space of who is right or smarter, but one of joint exploration aimed at achieving a mutual goal.

Focusing on shared desires and shaping messages carefully leads couples toward closeness and allows them to move forward together.

Avraham Sheharbani is a couple and family therapist, addiction counselor, and lecturer in family matters.