How to Control Anger According to Jewish Wisdom: Practical Steps for Inner Calm

Anger is one of the most difficult character traits to correct. When anger flares, it disrupts clear thinking and, in that moment, locks the gates of sound judgment — until the angry person may lose self-control and do harmful things without thinking, even though he truly does not want them.

Still, a person who genuinely wants to change from a resentful, angry temperament into a calm and peaceful one, and who understands that this will require mental effort and practical training, can absolutely transform his behavioral patterns and become a completely different person. Such change will bring deep personal satisfaction, healthy order and peace in private life, and will be welcomed by friends and acquaintances who will now enjoy being in his company. Above all, he will become a more refined person at the core of his character.

Two Stages in Working on Anger

The work of repairing anger is divided into two stages:

Stage One: Study and Awareness

In this stage, the person expands his understanding of how severe anger is and how much damage it causes, until he comes to truly hate this negative trait and longs to be rid of it. He also learns healthy ways to view disappointments, frustrations, and life challenges that trigger anger, along with practical advice for how to respond when anger begins to arise.

Stage Two: Daily Practice

The second stage is practical training in daily life, with the awareness that failures are expected and that there will be many falls along the way. But if a person remains consistent, he will eventually reach the goal: he will change from an angry temperament into a balanced and thoughtful person, responding calmly and wisely to whatever comes his way.

The Damage Anger Does to Body and Soul

A person should first reflect on the harm anger causes physically and emotionally. As is well known, in the heat of anger the body undergoes physiological changes that can sometimes cause irreversible damage, and in extreme cases even death. The immune system is also weakened in a person who regularly becomes angry, and the body’s cells struggle to handle health challenges.

The Sages described this condition sharply: “Anyone who becomes angry—every kind of Gehenna rules over him” (Nedarim 22a). Their meaning is that suffering can pursue a person both in this world and in the next.

Anger can also cause a person to harm his family and loved ones without sensing the severity of what he is doing. And any attempt to calm him will often fail, because in that moment he has lost clarity. The same sugya in Nedarim teaches: “Anyone who becomes angry—even the Divine Presence is not important in his eyes,” bringing the verse: “The wicked, in the height of his anger, does not seek [God]… God is absent from all his thoughts” (Tehillim 10:4; cited in Nedarim 22a).

Anger Damages Memory and Clear Thinking

Chazal teach that anger does not stay “outside” the mind — it damages it. The Gemara states that the angry person forgets his learning and increases foolishness (Nedarim 22a). It supports this with: “For anger rests in the bosom of fools” (Kohelet 7:9) and “A fool spreads folly” (Mishlei 13:16).

This matches what many people notice in real life: someone who is used to anger often becomes less organized in thought and less accurate in decision-making.

Anger Leads to Many Transgressions

The Sages also state that anger pulls a person into so many transgressions, that one can say: “It is known that his sins are greater than his merits” (Nedarim 22a). This is learned from the verse: “A man of anger stirs up strife, and a man of wrath abounds in transgression” (Mishlei 29:22).

Kabbalistic sources speak even more sharply about the spiritual cost of anger. The Arizal teaches that sometimes, after a person becomes angry, a higher spiritual soul-level can depart and a lower one can enter in its place — changing his spiritual standing. This is brought in Sha’ar HaGilgulim, Introduction 5, recorded by Rabbi Chaim Vital.

That teaching goes even further and warns that this kind of inner spiritual replacement can affect what was prepared for the person in life (Sha’ar HaGilgulim, Introduction 5).

The Real Target of Anger’s Damage

Many angry people feel that their anger mainly “hurts others.” But the deeper truth is that the primary victim is the angry person himself.

A person who holds onto bitterness may feel he is punishing the one who harmed him. Yet he often does not realize that the resentment is eating away at him from inside both emotionally and physically. This is why reflection on the damage of anger is so important as this can create real disgust for anger and a strong desire to uproot it completely.

Three Foundations to Prevent Anger

To change from an angry temperament into a calm and balanced one, a person must internalize three foundations connected to the frustrations that trigger anger.

1. Nothing Happens Without a Decree From Above

A person should reflect on the teaching: “No one stubs his finger below unless it was decreed upon him from above” (Chullin 7b). If so, there is no point being angry at the “messenger.” Instead, I should do self-examination: what must I repair so that such suffering does not return?

And if someone took something I thought I deserved, that itself proves it was not truly meant for me, since “No person can touch what is prepared for his fellow, even by a hair’s breadth” (Yoma 38b).

2. Humility Reduces Anger

A person should think: “Who am I, and what is my life?” Why do I assume I deserve honor and the fulfillment of my wishes, until I feel personally insulted when things do not go my way?

He should reflect deeply on the Mishnah: “Know from where you came and where you are going… From a putrid drop… to a place of dust, worms, and decay” (Avot 3:1). The more a person lowers arrogance, the less fuel there is for anger.

3. Worldly Matters Are Temporary

A person must internalize that honor, money, and possessions are fleeting. Therefore, it makes no sense to experience intense grief over disappointments in temporary things, and it makes no sense to be angry at the person connected to such disappointment.

As the Pele Yoetz writes: “Honor and disgrace, and all matters of this world, are vanity of vanities—deceptive illusion” (Pele Yoetz, entry “Ka’as”). Since the soul is eternal, a person should not allow temporary concerns to damage him permanently through anger.

Falls Do Not Mean Failure

Even after internalizing these principles, a person may still find himself becoming angry against his will. Sometimes it will be a painful fall, even after he was sure he would never erupt again.

But this is the nature of spiritual work: “The righteous falls seven times and rises” (Mishlei 24:16). He falls, yet he is still called righteous because he does not give up, and he rises again.

Because anger flares suddenly, a person often has no time to think in the moment. That is why one must use “strategies” in this battle, as it is written: “With strategies you shall wage war” (Mishlei 24:6).

Practical Tactics for Overcoming Anger

Do Something Before Speaking in Anger

Accept upon yourself a fixed action to do before any angry response — pour a drink and sip it, fold a towel, step into another room, and so on. The goal is to create a time gap for reflection.

Look Away From the Person You Are Angry At

When anger begins rising toward someone, avert your gaze. This approach is brought in classic mussar works such as Orchot Tzaddikim, Sha’ar HaKa’as, and also cited in Pele Yoetz (entry “Ka’as”).

Fine Yourself

Decide in advance that if you fall into serious anger, you will impose a penalty that you can handle but will not enjoy: avoid a favorite food for a week, donate a set amount to charity, wear an old garment you dislike, etc. If one fine does not work, choose a more meaningful one, without causing despair.

Train Yourself to Always Speak Gently

The Ramban writes in his famous letter that a person should always speak gently, and that this is a primary protection against anger (Iggeret HaRamban).

Gather Sources, Write Them, and Review Them

The Pele Yoetz explicitly advises writing and collecting the teachings of Chazal about anger, then reviewing them daily, because that constant awareness can build real fear of anger and prevent relapse (Pele Yoetz, entry “Ka’as”).

The Rambam’s Key Method: Show Anger Without Feeling It

Many people feel trapped: “If I don’t get angry, how will anyone take me seriously — my child, spouse, employee, student?” The Rambam answers this directly.

He rules that anger is an extremely bad trait and a person should distance himself from it to the opposite extreme, and even when there is educational need, one should appear angry externally while remaining inwardly calm and settled (Rambam, Mishneh Torah, Sefer Mada, Hilchot De’ot 2:3).

The Rambam strengthens this using Chazal: “Anyone who becomes angry is as though he worships idolatry” (Shabbat 105b), and that anger causes wisdom or prophecy to depart (Pesachim 66b). He concludes with the praise of those who endure insult without insulting back, about whom Scripture says: “Those who love Him are like the sun going forth in its strength” (Shoftim 5:31).

The Greater Reward of One Who Conquers Anger