Marriage According to Rambam: The Torah Guide to Love, Respect, and Emotional Balance

In his monumental work Mishneh Torah, the Rambam surprises the superficial reader by not giving identical guidance to husband and wife. Instead, he places different expectations on the husband and wife. Someone who does not understand the deep psychological differences between the two may protest when reading the Rambam’s demands from the man, claiming that the man is being treated unfairly. Yet when reading the expectations placed upon the woman, the same person may protest in the opposite direction, arguing that the woman is being treated unfairly.

However, in light of the inner distinctions between their emotional and spiritual roles, the Rambam’s words, rooted in the teachings of the Sages in the Talmud, become clear and luminous. The Torah is a Torah of truth, and it teaches what each partner must give to the other according to their emotional needs, rather than reshaping reality merely to appear modern or appealing.

The Husband’s Responsibility: Love and Honor

The Rambam teaches that a husband must honor his wife more than himself and love her as himself (Rambam, Hilchot Ishut 15:19). Regarding love, it is enough that he love her as he loves his own body. Just as a person cares attentively for his own needs and responds quickly when discomfort arises, so must he be attentive to his wife’s emotional and practical needs.

He should not wait until she reaches emotional distress or cries out in pain before responding. Instead, he sees her as his other half, attentive to her needs as to his own, striving to make her happy and fulfilled. This is true love.

Regarding honor, the Rambam raises the standard even higher. In matters related to dignity such as respectful speech, clothing, emotional sensitivity, and expressions of appreciation, the husband must prioritize her even above himself. This is not discrimination against the man. Rather, it reflects the woman’s natural sensitivity and her deep emotional connection to honor and aesthetics.

For example, if the couple can afford only one new outfit for a holiday, the Rambam’s guidance that she should come first is not demeaning to the husband. Her emotional discomfort in such a situation may linger throughout the event, while his may fade quickly. The Torah therefore instructs according to psychological truth.

Similarly, a husband who jokes in a way that hurts his wife cannot justify himself by saying that his coworkers appreciate his humor. His wife is not like his friends; if she hints even once that something hurts her feelings, he must respect that boundary.

The Rambam further instructs that a husband should increase his wife’s honor through sincere praise, careful speech, and providing according to his financial ability. The Sages teach in the Talmud, “Honor your wives so that you will become wealthy” (Bava Metzia 59a), and also, “A person’s home is blessed only because of his wife” (based on Bereishit 12:16). A wife who feels valued becomes a source of blessing and abundance within the home.

The Wife’s Responsibility: Respect and Support

In contrast, the Rambam writes that the wife should conduct her actions according to her husband’s guidance and regard him with a sense of authority, as though he were a noble or a king (Hilchot Ishut 15). This does not mean that the husband must act like a ruler. Rather, she grants him the feeling of authority that aligns with his psychological makeup as the one responsible for the external struggle and protection of the home.

A wise woman understands that there is no humiliation in managing the household in a way that honors her husband’s sense of responsibility. In fact, when a husband feels respected in this way, he often relinquishes control and consults his wife, frequently deciding according to her wishes. When both partners live this way, they experience profound happiness.

By nature, the woman does not require the same sense of authority within the home, while the man deeply needs the feeling that his role is respected. This dynamic creates harmony rather than imbalance.

The Husband’s Emotional Role in the Home

The Rambam also demands that the husband not instill excessive fear in his home, that he speak gently, and that he avoid anger and sadness. As the emotional anchor of the family, his demeanor shapes the entire atmosphere. When he is calm, patient, and joyful, he brings life to his household.

If he walks around the house sad or irritable, even for reasons unrelated to the family, the home becomes heavy with tension. His mood has a profound effect because his wife naturally looks to him as a source of stability.

An angry or harsh husband creates an environment of fear. Family members withdraw, afraid to speak openly. The Sages warn that one who instills excessive fear in his home may ultimately stumble into serious transgressions (Gittin 6b), because others hide important information out of fear.

Why the Rambam Places These Demands Primarily on the Husband

Although both spouses benefit from being calm and emotionally balanced, the Rambam lists the obligation not to be sad or irritable specifically among the husband’s responsibilities. The reason lies in natural roles. The man, often engaged outside the home, can cope more easily with emotional turbulence. The woman, whose emotional vitality is deeply connected to the atmosphere of the home, is far more affected by his emotional state.

If she lives with a constantly sad husband, her vitality fades. If she lives with a harsh and angry husband, either she collapses emotionally or she feels compelled to fight back. In either case, the happiness of the home is lost.

The One Shared Requirement: Mutual Respect

There is one quality that the Rambam demands equally from both husband and wife: respect.

The husband must honor his wife more than himself. The wife must honor her husband greatly, even beyond what she believes is sufficient.

Respect is a fundamental emotional need for every person. When it is damaged, the stability of marriage itself can collapse. The Rambam’s differing language reflects psychological realities. Because women are often more sensitive to matters of dignity and appearance, the husband is instructed to prioritize her honor. Conversely, since a woman may sometimes underestimate her husband’s need for respect, she is instructed to honor him “exceedingly.”

The Wisdom of King Solomon

King Solomon offers a profound insight in Mishlei (27:15): “A constant dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike.” The analogy teaches a deep truth about a man’s emotional relationship to his home.

A person may endure heavy rain outside without complaint, understanding that rain is beneficial. But if water leaks inside the home, even in small drops, it becomes deeply disturbing. Similarly, a man can cope with conflict outside the home, but he longs for his house to be a place of calm refuge.