Overcoming Anger: Practical Strategies for Self-Control and Spiritual Growth

Often, a person feels deeply disappointed after moments of weakness when he falls into anger toward others. He may even become angry at himself: “Why did I do that? How could I behave this way?”

Most of us expect ourselves to live with values and to conduct ourselves on a high moral and spiritual level. Yet every person experiences setbacks and repeated failures. During an outburst of anger, a person is often swept away and unaware of how he is behaving. Only afterward, when the emotional fire cools, does regret arrive.

Almost everyone has felt this painful experience. We long to become more refined, more elevated, and to live lives of spiritual quality. The question is: Can we truly rise above anger and face challenges without collapsing when a test suddenly appears?

With God’s help, there is a path to success. Anger is not an inevitable disaster, but overcoming it requires sincere effort and the right guidance, as taught by our Sages.

How Serious Is Anger?

The Ramban, at the beginning of his famous letter, offers practical advice for gaining self control over anger. Because anger often arrives suddenly, a person must prepare defenses in advance. When an upsetting event happens a spouse, child, coworker, or stranger acts unjustly the person is already inflamed. At that moment, rational thinking is nearly impossible. The tools for confronting anger must be prepared before the test begins.

Before learning practical strategies, one must first recognize the importance of the goal. If a person tells himself, “So I got angry, what’s the big deal?” he will not change. Many people live with the attitude, “I’m just hot tempered, that’s how I was born.” The result is predictable: they remain angry, and both they and those around them suffer.

The Sages taught, “Whoever becomes angry, all forms of Gehenna rule over him” (Nedarim 22a). The greatest victim of anger is the angry person himself. He brings upon himself suffering and turmoil.

Modern research has also noted connections between long held resentment, bitterness, and serious illness. While not every illness is caused by emotional distress, it is widely understood today that the body and soul are deeply interconnected. Hope, joy, and emotional support can strengthen healing, while ongoing anger weakens a person internally.

The Loss of Spiritual Light Through Anger

Rabbi Chaim Vital writes in Sha’ar HaGilgulim about reincarnations of souls and the concept of spiritual “impregnation” (ibur), where a higher soul temporarily joins a person to assist him spiritually. Sometimes a person suddenly feels new strength, inspiration, and inner growth without understanding why.

However, anger can cause a person to lose this spiritual elevation. Rabbi Chaim Vital explains that when a person becomes angry, even briefly, a higher soul may depart and be replaced by a lower spiritual level. The Zohar interprets the verse “He tears his soul in his anger” (Iyov 18:4) to mean that anger uproots the soul’s purity.

The consequences are profound. A person may feel sudden spiritual decline, weakness, or loss of motivation without understanding the cause. Only sincere repentance can restore what was lost.

The Talmud teaches further that anger causes wisdom to depart from a scholar and prophecy from a prophet (Pesachim 66b). Anger is therefore not merely an emotional flaw but a spiritual danger.

Speak Gently at All Times

Having recognized the severity of anger, how can one distance himself from it?

The Ramban advises: “Always speak gently to every person at all times, and you will be saved from anger.” The key word is always. Regardless of mood, situation, or the person standing before you, cultivate gentle speech.

Even when correcting someone or refusing a request, speak calmly. Over time, this habit reshapes the personality. When anger begins to rise, the person who has trained himself to speak softly will feel the tension and pause before exploding.

Spiritual growth is gradual. At first, a person may still fall into anger but regret it afterward. Later he notices the mistake while it is happening. Eventually he stops himself in the middle of an outburst. With continued effort, anger weakens until it disappears altogether.

“God Told Him to Curse”: A New Way of Seeing Reality

One powerful tool against anger is adopting a deeper perspective on events. When Shimei ben Gera cursed King David, David said, “God told him to curse” (Shmuel II, 16:10). David understood that humiliation comes from Heaven, even if another person serves as the messenger.

The Sages taught, “A person does not stub his finger below unless it was decreed above” (Chullin 7a). Everything that happens whether pleasant or painful comes through Divine providence.

This perspective does not mean allowing others to harm us repeatedly. We must protect ourselves. Yet once an upsetting event has already occurred, we can choose whether to respond with anger or with faith that the event carries meaning and purpose.

When a person internalizes this outlook, anger loses its grip. Instead of rage, he turns inward, asking what lesson he must learn.

The Purpose of Hardship

Hardships awaken a person to self reflection and growth. The Rambam explains that when suffering arrives, one should not attribute it merely to coincidence; doing so leads to further hardship (Hilchot Ta’anit 1:3). God communicates through life’s events, guiding a person to refine his actions.

Without challenges, a person may rush through life unaware of his spiritual state. Difficult moments interrupt the routine and encourage deeper awareness. When a person recognizes this, he can even feel gratitude for the opportunity to grow. At that point, what reason remains to be angry at the human messenger through whom the hardship arrived?

“Anger Rests in the Bosom of Fools”

Shlomo HaMelech writes, “Anger rests in the bosom of fools.” The Maggid of Dubno explains this with a parable. A shopkeeper places frequently used items on low shelves within easy reach, while rarely used goods are stored high above. A wise person stores anger on the highest shelf, far from reach, using it only rarely and with great restraint. A foolish person keeps anger close to his heart, ready for immediate use.

The Rambam teaches that even when anger appears necessary for discipline, one should only display external anger while remaining calm inside (Hilchot De’ot 2:3). True wisdom is learning to distance oneself from genuine emotional rage.

Practical Strategies to Delay Anger

Mussar literature offers practical tools for those who struggle with a quick temper. During moments of calm, a person should decide on a specific action to perform before reacting in anger. One scholar even kept a special “anger garment.” Whenever he felt anger rising, he would first put on that garment. The short delay allowed his intellect to cool the emotional fire.

Other strategies include imposing a small self penalty after an outburst, or writing down teachings about anger and reviewing them regularly, as suggested in Pele Yoetz. Over time, these practices strengthen self control.