The Name of the Groom and His Relationship to the Bride's Father

Greetings and blessings.

These are the instructions regarding matchmaking - as commanded by our Rabbi Yehuda the Pious in his will.
1. "A person should not marry his sister's daughter or his brother's daughter, and if he did, there may be hope, but there is doubt."
2. "A person should not marry a woman with the same name as his mother, or a man with the same name as his father-in-law, and if he marries her, one name should be changed; then there may be hope."
3. "Two people who have the same names should not mate together with their children, and it is doubtful if it affects his offspring or any person."
4. "Two brothers should not marry two sisters."
5. "Two brothers should not marry a woman and her daughter, nor should two sisters marry a father and his son."

And the esteemed Rabbi Chaim Palagi, of blessed memory, wrote in his book *Tochachat Chaim* (Parashat Bereishit, page 47) in these words: "Be very careful regarding the will of Rabbi Yehuda the Pious concerning marriages, to guard it well and to act accordingly." He warns there as well (Parashat Bamidbar, page 54, letter 5) and these are his words: "Do not be lenient with the will of Rabbi Yehuda the Pious in any regard, for many who died in the year 5632 and in the year 5637 were those who transgressed the wills."

The gravest of all the aforementioned prohibitions is having the same name as the bride and the mother-in-law. Many of the poskim did not insist on all the prohibitions except for this one.

The reasons for the will not to marry a woman with the same name as his mother include the bride and her mother-in-law:

1. The esteemed Rabbi Yitzchak Palagi, of blessed memory, wrote in his book Yafeh Leiv (Volume 4, Even HaEzer, Siman 62, section 11) clear words regarding this: "The secret is known and is simple, due to the appearance of the eye, as one may fall into the evil eye. And see in the book Brit Olam [by the esteemed Chida, of blessed memory] on the book of the Chassidim (Siman 597) because from there you learn that all the words of Rabbi Yehuda the Pious and his signs of warnings and wills are due to the evil eye, which may arise from what people say, and for this reason our sages established (Yerushalmi Berachot, Chapter 4, Halacha 2, prayer of Rabbi Yanai) to pray every day, 'And do not make us a topic of discussion for people,' as Rabbi Yaakov, the author of the Tur, wrote (Orach Chaim, Siman 131), look there; this applies even to good matters due to the evil eye etc., and the reason is all because of the evil eye mentioned in the ketubah and in the synagogue and in those who bless."

2. Some have written one reason for this matter, according to the laws of honoring one’s father and mother, which prohibits calling one's father or mother by their names, and also not to call other people who share names with one’s parents by their names [if it’s an uncommon name], as it is ruled in the Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De'ah (Siman 240, section 2). Therefore, if he marries a woman with the same name as his mother, he will be prevented from calling her by her name throughout his life, since her name is the same as his mother’s. Because it is difficult to be cautious about this, it is necessary to avoid marrying a woman whose name is the same as his mother’s. Similarly, this applies to not marry a woman whose father's name is the same as his; because his wife will not be able to call him - whose name is the same as her father’s - by his name, and certainly, she will not be able to endure that. This was written briefly by the esteemed Rabbi Yosef Chaim, of blessed memory, from Baghdad, in his book Ben Ish Chai (Laws of the First Year - Parashat Shoftim, section 28) that the reason is due to respect.

3. The esteemed Rabbi Eliyahu Klatsky, of blessed memory, wrote in his book Even HaRosh (Siman 31) that when a woman calls her husband by his name, her father may think she called him, and this is an insult to him. Those who are present may suspect she is disrespecting her father by calling him by his name.

In light of this reason, the book Devar Eliyahu (Siman 37) written that if the groom accepts upon himself the prohibition not to call his wife [whose name is the same as his mother’s] by her name throughout his life, it is permissible. This was similarly written by the Shut Rabbi Eliyahu Gutmacher, of blessed memory (Even HaEzer, Siman 6) that if one marries a woman whose name is the same as his mother’s, or his name is the same as her father’s, they should be informed that they should not call each other by their names in front of their parents, and he concluded that he acted leniently in the marriage of his son whose name was the same as his father-in-law’s, and informed his daughter-in-law not to call her husband by his name while her father is present.

4. The esteemed Rabbi Shimon Palak, of blessed memory, Av Beit Din of Yamaring, elaborated in his book Sham Mishimon (Even HaEzer, Siman 6) with reasons according to Kabbalah, and he said: "It can be said the reason for this matter according to what the Kabbalists wrote that the essence of the life force and soul that exists in a person is in his name, as it is written (Genesis 2:19): 'Whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name.' And see in the Dibrei Chaim (Ma'aseh Bereshit, letter 20) and the words are ancient; there is no place here to elaborate. According to this, if we see two people whose names are the same, we must say their souls derive from one root, and thus, it is as if they are one person, and therefore, it is proper to be cautious that they should not marry one another, as this seems to violate the relationship of brotherhood or between a mother and daughter, etc.," and see further what he provided as more of a reason in Kabbalah.

In contrast to the above, there are poskim who lean to be lenient regarding all matters related to this will for the reason mentioned in the Gemara (Pesachim 161b) regarding the prevention of "couples" regarding food and drink and other things due to the fear of demon harm. Even so, the Gemara concludes: "In the Western lands, they do not care about marriage... the rule of the matter is that any that is particular should care about this, but one who does not care is not to be cautious about it," thus, we can learn regarding the warnings of Rabbi Yehuda the Pious to separate from danger; this is only relevant to one who is particular, but one who does not care need not worry about it, and as the esteemed Chatam Sofer, of blessed memory, wrote in his responsa (Even HaEzer, Siman 116): "Regarding someone who wishes to attach himself to a decent family but fears what people say about the boy’s name in relation to the father-in-law and the name of his mother being the same as that of the bride's mother, my beloved, one who does not care should not worry about it, particularly when there is a merit of Torah that even for minor faults he is atoned for through Torah and acts of kindness, all the more so here."

Similarly, it seems the view of the esteemed Rabbi Shlomo Ganzfried, of blessed memory, who wrote in his book Kitzur Shulchan Aruch (Siman 138, section 8) in a brief language: "And one who is particular should be careful not to marry a woman whose name is the same as his mother’s." And it seems that for one who does not care, he need not be concerned, and this is also indicated by what the esteemed Rabbi Raphael Miledula, of blessed memory, wrote in his book Chupat Chatanim (Laws of Matchmaking) that in matters of matchmaking one who does not care is not to be cautious about it, but if there is a doubt in his heart, he should separate.

In this latter generation, the esteemed Rabbi David Shperber, of blessed memory, Av Beit Din of Barshov, ruled to be lenient in his book Shut Afarsakta D'aniya (Vol. 3, Even HaEzer, Siman 263) and he said: "In Chatam Sofer (Even HaEzer, Vol. 1, Siman 116), he wrote regarding the equality of names, that in matters of matchmaking, one who does not care need not be cautious about it, especially in times of trouble such as today, which are full of challenges in various colors, and there is not a day that does not bear more curses than the previous day, in the morning, you say, etc., and who knows what tomorrow will bring, it may be said that in this situation, Rabbi Yehuda the Pious would not want to be strict to reduce procreation among Israel, and similar to what the Tosafot (Kiddushin 41a, s.v. Asur) wrote regarding the matter explained in the Gemara (there) that it is prohibited for a man to betroth his daughter when she is a minor. This was their wording: 'Now that we usually betroth our daughters even when they are minors, it is because every day the exile is becoming more severe upon us, and if one has the means to grant dowry to his daughter now, perhaps in the future he will not have the means, and thus his daughter may remain forever as a captive.'

Some permit it if the groom has already reached the age of twenty. Others permit it with a name change, or by adding a name. It is necessary to consult with a great one in Israel.

Wishing you success - Menashe Israel