עברית
Faith
What Should I Do When I Keep Failing to Keep the Covenant?
Question
Hello, I have been in the process of becoming religious for several years. In the past year, I have, thank God, strengthened myself and even keep Shabbat, diligently working to improve my character traits daily. Unfortunately, despite daily intense struggles against my yetzer (evil inclination), I fall into the covenant, though I make sure not to despair. I actually weep when this happens, especially since it occurs after a long period of observance. I study halacha and try to engage in Torah more and more, and accordingly, my basic understanding improves. However, I read in the Laws of Teshuva by the Rambam that one of the four barriers to repentance before Hashem is the knowledge of the sinner that he can return and be forgiven for that sin. After all, every Baal Teshuva knows this. Does this hinder teshuva? Every time I fall into sin, I feel, right before the act, a powerful urge that is difficult to control and a sort of internal persuasion that this is the last time and that it will be forgiven, etc. I actually convince myself and feel helpless... it is very difficult and frustrating. Does my knowledge in this sense count as exploiting the knowledge that it is possible to rectify? I am not willing to give up; my true happiness lies in observing mitzvot and delving into Torah. Thank you very much!
Answer
Greetings and blessings. By no means should you think that you are in the category of 'I have sinned and repent.' A person is created from coarse and heavy material, and overcoming the yetzer in matters of the covenant is very difficult, especially for one who is unmarried. A person who tries in every way to overcome the evil inclination and succeeds in doing so for a long duration is considered righteous, holy, and a keeper of the covenant. Even if after a long time the person falls due to overwhelming temptation, this does not diminish his status at all, especially since immediately he repents again for his actions and hopes that in the future he will not fall at all. One should endeavor to study Torah diligently and thoroughly, for then the yetzer has no power to cause the person to sin at all. As the Rambam says, and this is even greater: "Let a man turn his heart and thoughts to Torah and expand his wisdom, for thoughts of licentiousness do not overcome except in a heart devoid of wisdom. And with wisdom, what does it say? 'The hind of the lovers and the graceful doe, her breasts shall satisfy thee at all times; and thou shalt be refreshed always with her love.'" May Hashem give you the strength to continue striving to keep the covenant and merit promptly a proper match and complete deliverance from the yetzer. Blessings, Binyamin Shmueli
