עברית
Relationships
How Can I Know if My Partner Is the Right Match for Me?
Question
There is a recurring dream that troubles me a great deal. I dreamed it at home after having known my partner for about two months. I would greatly appreciate your response. The dream: My partner, his brother, I, and my friend arrive at my partner's house, a four-story building. The third floor is the cooking and kitchen floor, where his mother is cooking at that moment and is very pressed for time to finish. The fourth floor is a synagogue. My partner and his brother leave me and my friend with his mother and go up. After a short time, my friend and I decided to look for them, knowing that they are probably in the synagogue on the fourth floor. We went up to the fourth floor, where from the window we see men praying, and the entrance for women involves passing between windows with a small railing upon which one can walk to cross from one window to another to enter and pray in the synagogue. My friend went first and entered the synagogue, but I remained in the middle of the passage, afraid to cross from window to window lest I fall. I hung on an iron hook in the middle of the passage and prayed silently that my partner’s brother would hear me praying for help. And then I woke up from the dream. Second, I have been dreaming a lot about weddings lately, perhaps because I desire that greatly or because my partner and I have been discussing it. I do not know why these two dreams disturb me so much, though I fairly believe that these are dreams heralding good things, b"H. I would greatly appreciate your answer and hope I have come to the right place. P.S. Where can I find out if my partner and I are the right match?
Answer
Greetings and blessings, To begin with your last question, there is no magic formula to know if you and your partner are compatible. The path to this is by examining his personality and traits and observing how he behaves with his friends. I will share with you an article dealing with this matter. An experienced relationship counselor outlines five golden rules for assessing the chances of a successful and lasting marriage. Rabbi Dov Heller says that when deciding who will be our spouse, it is very important not to err. Yet, with divorce rates approaching fifty percent, it seems most of us err in searching for the suitable gentleman or lady. Ask most engaged couples why they are marrying and they will answer, "We are in love." In my opinion, this is mistake number one of couples who go out together. Choosing a life partner should not be based on love. This may sound strange, but it is the absolute truth. Love does not serve as a foundation for marriage. Love is a product of a good marriage. If all the other components are right, love will come. In other words, long-term relationships cannot be built on love alone. Much more is needed. Here are five questions we must ask ourselves in the true search for a life partner. Do we share a common life goal? Why is this important? To put it this way: twenty or thirty years of marriage is a long time. What do you intend to do together all that time? Trips, restaurants, and morning jogs - you must share something deeper and more meaningful. A common life purpose is required. Two things can happen in a marriage: One can grow together or each separately. Among fifty percent of couples, growth is separate. For a marriage to succeed, one must know what he or she wants in life — bottom line — to marry someone who wants exactly the same thing. Do I trust my partner enough to share feelings and thoughts? This question is the heart of your relationship. Feeling secure means being able to communicate openly with your partner. The foundation of good communication is trust — the trust that I will not be "punished" or hurt if I express my true thoughts and feelings. One of my colleagues describes a person who emotionally abuses others as someone you fear revealing your feelings and thoughts to. This question requires honesty. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you intend to marry. Is he or she a "benevolent person"? A true benevolent person is characterized by refinement and sensitivity. How do you know? Here are some suggestions. Is their personal growth stable? Does he or she have an interest in self-improvement? One of my teachers describes a "good" person as someone who always strives to be good and to do the right thing. Try to answer this question — how does he or she manage their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually, refinement is not a priority for a materialistic person. There are two types of people in this world. Those devoted to personal growth and those devoted to seeking comfort. When the goal is comfort, doing the right thing becomes secondary. Remember this before walking together to the chuppah. How does he or she treat other people? The essential key to the success of a relationship lies in the ability to give. Giving means providing pleasure to another. Check if the person enjoys making others happy or if he is self-centered. To know, see how your partner treats service workers such as waiters, security guards, taxi drivers, etc. How does he or she treat parents and siblings? Does he appreciate and value them? If he does not appreciate those who have done everything for him, do not expect he will appreciate you — after all, you will never be capable of doing as much for him! Does he gossip or speak ill of others? A person who gossips cannot love others. Whoever does not know how to treat others respectfully will not respect you either. Do I intend to change this person after marriage? Far too many people err by marrying with the intention of trying to improve their spouse after the wedding. As one of my colleagues says, "One can certainly expect a change after marriage... for the worse!" If you cannot accept the person as they are now, it means you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, a relationship is not necessarily a difficult or dangerous stage. The solution is to try to work more with the mind and less with the heart. Maximum objectivity towards your partner and asking the right questions that will help you answer key issues will illuminate your path to success. There is nothing like falling in love, but when you wake up one day with a ring on your finger, it is better to know that you did not get entangled due to lack of homework. Indeed, all dreams reflect your desire to marry on the one hand and your doubts on the other. Remember that everything is in the hands of the Creator, and do not fear excess worry. Trust in Hashem, the row in the synagogue, and pray to Him for your success. Blessings - Binyamin Shmueli
