Community Rabbis Ask
question of a divorcee here in our community in philadelpia
i have guided a couple in family peace who have eventually unfortunately gotten divorced
recently the woman has opened up to me, the wife of the rabbai in a very open and painful way and with her permission i am contacting you.
i am baalat teshuva of 6 years outof which i have been in the midrasha for 4 years (college) i got married and got divorced 4 months after marriage
after a problem was detected in my husband. this was the underlying problem i was having doubts on before our wedding.after our wedding i was a substitute for a woman who was out on maternity leave and i finished the job before pesach/passover. i have left the house which we lived in together and moved to a rented appartement in jerusalem. i am more in my parents house though, since i feel i need comfort and familiartity.the way which i have been living my life was a very logical existence. i have always used my mind over my emotions this is before my wedding in college and even more so after my wedding. in the realm of being a wife i have done only that which is correct and reight and never that which i wanted, this was also so in preparation to my wedding- untill it all blew up. i feel thisis the reason y i have ignored the problems prior to my weddng because i did not emotionaly connect to my problems. this also caused me to become further from Hashem.
in college i felt i could not go down a level in my service to Hashem because all the girls so respected me and i felt like such a good person i didnt
want to go down , however now i am trying to get myself back together and chill a bit. i wake up late
without being stringent on the time one should say the shema. i do however pray twice a day like i always have . it is without soul though. it is not that i have had tremendous feelings which have dwindled down with time- only that from teh beggining i have felt it to be hard on me to pray but i didnt listen to my heart and i prayed the full prayer and now i am cutting down on it. on the other hand however i feel so strongly about Gd and i am very connected to Him and i very much defend Him in the face of others. i therefore dont understand y my heart is closed to prayer . my question is how do i proceed now? i have read here on the website of hidabroot that if someone were to ask me whom i like i am to answer Gd i felt a strong negativity to this something in me felt pushed down, and it is not that i am angry at Gd that i got divorced- on the contrary i am so thankful for now i have time to heal and become a better person. i feel angry at Gd that i cannot feel released and happy. i always feel like i am not doing good by Gd and that i am not doing enough to serve Him. many people feel bad about themself and then the y repent and they feel all good with themselves however i feel like there is always place for a better repentance.
i am sorry that that the question is so lengthy i feel however that only to rav zamir i can listen since i am having a very hard time with listening to rabbanim now since i feel like they havent put enough care to my case before my wedding and have just said that i am a regular bride afraid of marriage and change. and many great rabbais dont listen to other great rabbais so the thing is a confusion for me. please let me know if rabbai could be of any assistance,
To the questioner
sorry for the delay we couldnt relay your message to the rabbai or to one of the other rabbais i will try with the help of Gd to answer you.
it is very hard to hear everything that you have gone through. it is very good that you view this stage as an oppurtunity to start anew because it seems to be so. from what it seems in your message being married uses alot of mental and emotional energy for which u didnt have in a healthy balance we will therefore work on healing this imbalance.
ther rembam writes in his 4/8 chapter that there is a part of a per son called "rach levav"
and there he explains tht the way to work through a feeling and the way to change is not by extremes.
therefore if a person is missing from the emotional or physical/logical side it isnt prime.
and the way to change is to do actions that vie a bit towards the opposite side.
hopefully you will slowly be able to do actions that will slowly open your emotions
this will be very hard to begin with
וand it is therefore worthwhile for you to push yourself to work through this for it will even out your feelings and open up ur emotions
but not to do this too intensely- only once or twice in a day.
bec like rabbai yaacov emden and the gaon from vilna said it is not good to be extreme
it is therefor good what you do, for example to say shema once a day on time and slowly you will be able to work you way up.
and even if you only do it once a week it will work it s way through your conscience and you will change
and since you like to know what it is that you are doing i will explain to you that this is in essence the way the torah works doing mitzvos to get to the point of good.
and this is how it is all the mizvos slowly form us into better ppl
it is also so when a person sins, he gets pulled to the other end of not such good behavior but Gd is good and will accept his repentance should he do so.
howver it is hard for a person who was used to his ways to change just like it is hard for a smoker to quit
with you it is so with prayer since prayer is very hard for you. our sages have already said that prayer is done with all the heart it is a hard process of feeling and connceting our emotions.
eventually with time it will get easier and easier for you
and you will see that you will feel more balanced as time goes on and you continue to connect to Gd through prayer .
and withthat i will end and bless you that you trully be balanced and marry the man who is trully for you and merit to build a faithful home in Judaism.