עברית
Faith
Does the Sandak Have a Spiritual Influence on the Baby?
Question
My husband left home for the sake of a mistress, and we have been separated for nearly three years. He lives with her in a full relationship known to everyone. We have a first grandchild. Is it appropriate to give him the honor due to the sandak? In light of the low and dishonorable life he leads and the destruction of the home, does this affect the baby spiritually and his future? Thank you very much for your help.
Answer
Greetings, Indeed, the sandak does affect the soul of the child, and therefore one strives to choose a sandak who is better and righteous, though not at the cost of quarrels and disputes. Therefore, if you can resolve this peacefully, for example by honoring him with another form of respect at the brit milah, that is commendable. If you cannot appease him with any other honor, do not cause strife for this matter, as peace is of great importance, and allow him to be the sandak. However, you should strive to have a God-fearing man hold the baby's legs at the time of the circumcision, which completes the role of the sandak, and with Hashem's help, the child will suffer no spiritual loss.
Sources: The Rama in Yoreh De'ah (Siman 261, Section 1) writes that a person should strive to choose a mohel and sandak who are better and righteous. Later authorities (Responsa Rabbi Azriel Heildesheimer, Yoreh De'ah 111; Sefer Zochor HaBrit, Siman 9, Note 7) explain that "better" refers to interpersonal commandments, and "righteous" to mitzvot from man to Hashem. The Aruch HaShulchan in Hilchot Milah (Siman 127) writes that this is so Elijah will come and remain there. In Levim MiBavel (Siman 261, Section 1), the reason given is the sandak’s spiritual influence on the child. Sefer Otzar HaBrit Part 1 (p. 175, note 9) cites the holy Rabbi Simcha Moshe zt"l, who said that the choice of sandak is revealed in the circumcision itself. Sefer Derech Sicha Part 1 (p. 61) records Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky shlita's account of a man who came with two children—one appeared proper and the other completely non-Jewish—where the former’s sandak was the child's late father, and he did not wish to mention the sandak of the latter. The Chazon Ish insisted the sandak be a decent person. The advice to have a God-fearing man hold the baby's legs when no other option exists is written in Responsa Teshuvot VeHanhagot Part 4 (Siman 274, s.v. "v’chol ze").
Wishing you good news soon, with blessings for a mazal tov, Hillel Meirs
