Jewish Custom Regarding Engagement Rings

Greetings and blessing, In ancient times, during the era of the Torah, Mishnah, and Talmud, the communities of Israel practiced "kinyan erusin"—acquisition of betrothal—after the match was made. The engagement known to us today is not the same as the biblical and Mishnah-era betrothal. The halachic betrothal is what the Mishnah calls "kedushin," as stated at the beginning of Tractate Kiddushin: "A woman is acquired in three ways." The groom "acquired" his betrothed through one of these methods, thereby making her his betrothed. In those times, there was a gap of about twelve months between betrothal and marriage. Over time, most of the Jewish people followed their leaders in reserving kiddushin until the time of the chuppah (wedding canopy). In some communities, it was a severe prohibition to perform kiddushin earlier; some even annulled kiddushin performed not during the chuppah, as detailed in the responsa of the Radbaz Hadashos (vol. 2, siman 786): "In Jerusalem, there is an ancient agreement not to perform kiddushin except at the time of marriage." Likewise, the Gaon Rabbi Nissim Chaim Moshe Mizrachi, zt"l, in his book Edmat Kodesh (vol. 1, Even HaEzer siman 31) wrote that it is a universal ban to perform kiddushin only at the chuppah. This custom to perform kiddushin only at the chuppah is a takkanah (enactment) from the late Rishonim period and is mentioned as a common practice in the words of Rabbenu Yerucham (Toldot Adam vChavah, Netiv 22 part 1, daf 145 column 1): "In Syria, the entire community is accustomed to perform kiddushin and complete the marriage both at the chuppah." Also, in Terumat HaDeshen (end of siman 223): "Nowadays they are accustomed to perform kiddushin and marriage together at the time of the chuppah." And in Yam Shel Shlomo (Kiddushin chapter 2 siman 18): "In our generations, we have no custom at all to perform kiddushin except at the time of marriage and the chuppah." Later, this became an established enactment in many countries. In practice, what we do today—conducting "tenaim" (conditions) after the shidduch (match), called 'engagement' colloquially—is not betrothal at all, but mostly pertains to monetary laws that the parties stipulate between themselves. However, in some communities, great importance was attributed to this commitment, and some treated this agreement as more severe than the kiddushin and marriage themselves. As brought in the name of the Gra: "The reason fragile pottery is broken during the tenaim is to demonstrate it is like broken pottery, since once broken it has no remedy; thus it is forbidden to annul tenaim. At the chuppah, glass vessels are broken, which can be repaired by melting, as an enactment of separation through a get (divorce document)." Some warned it is proper to abolish the custom of calling those engaged "arussim," as emphasized by the Gaon Rabbi Naftali HaKohen Schwartz zt"l in a letter (printed in Kol Aryeh on matters of marriage, page 28): "What has recently infiltrated as a custom, when announcements are publicized in newspapers or notes and letters declare that so-and-so is 'engaged' upon linking tenaim of the marriage—this is incorrect. The term 'erusin' in Torah and Talmudic language, even after the closing of the Talmud and to our last generation, refers to kiddushin and not to the making of tenaim. Therefore, it is certainly not correct to initially say that the linking of tenaim alone constitutes erusin. Many young men, after studying in school and translating the term 'betrothed' literally, mistakenly think a betrothed girl has no kiddushin, only the linking of tenaim, as in our times, which is sufficient for the knowledgeable." The Rishonim dispute whether there is a concern that gifts from the groom to the bride before the chuppah might constitute kiddushin, which, if nullified later, would require a get. Practically, some communities are very careful that the groom does not give the bride any gifts until the chuppah, and all gifts to the bride are given only by the groom's parents, not by the groom himself. However, there are communities where the groom sends gifts to the bride as "savalonot" (expenses). Several practices have been established to remove any concern of kiddushin when giving these "savalonot," as the Maharich wrote (responsa siman 191), to create some declaration that the gift is not given for kiddushin. For example, the bride does not receive the "savalonot" directly from the groom's messenger but through another woman, indicating that she does not wish to receive them herself so there be no concern of kiddushin. It is preferable to follow what the Maharich wrote: to clarify verbally at the time of giving the gift that it is given only as a gift, not for erusin or kiddushin. Certainly, one must refrain from wearing the ring on the bride's finger, due both to the concern of appearances of kiddushin—even if explained that it is given as a gift—and due to the obligation to maintain negiah (physical contact) restrictions between the groom and bride until the chuppah and wedding. Blessings of success, Manashe Israel